Gerard,
I really hope you're right. I've been praying that it is some kind of transformation in process in my life for a long time now. That is the only way I manage to live with the pain that emerges from time.

I get professional help, and she says the same thing: Circumstances in my life at this point have triggered early childhood memories and traumas, and the fear and anger I feel now, really belongs to a five-year old girl who has experienced a total loss of safety.

I kind of lost my mother back then, when she found a new man and left me out of it all. I didn't even get to go to the wedding ceremony at the city hall, that pretty much says it all. He was only 19 at the time, and I still can't understand why she didn't bother to think twice about finding me a new father, rather than a much younger boyfriend.

Well, I have been reliving this experience of beeing put aside and replaced in my current relationship, as my boyfriend had a hard time handling me and chose to turn his back at me and focus only on other people and activities that didn't include me. He also had an interest in chatting with other girls, while he didn't really talk to me at all.

I had a really though time and he didn't support me, and I'm still struggling to accept it, although he finally realized it was wrong and not what he wanted, and is now doing all he can to repair our relationship. The problem is me keeping it all alive and constantly reminding myself of what happened, and of how he let me down. I think it's so hard to forgive and move on, because I felt the same shock when he suddenly wasn't there, as I did when my mother lost interest in me.
These feelings came up again now a couple of days ago, and it's been really hard. I keep on telling myself it is a cleansing that needs to be done, but it's been going on for so many years now, it's sometimes hard to believe it is a higher purpose to it. I feel that I see my past, and I see that to free myself of it is what needs to be done, but I just can't find the strength and trust in myself to do it.

But thank you for your words it gives strenght to my faith as I'm walking blindfolded into the shaddows..

I have this other part of myself telling me to keep on going, and it's been easier to hear lately too. So it seems like there is something good growing behind it all..

Inanna

Age & Gender & Location {Required}: 29 Norway

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