Dream from May 3, 2008

Note: The dream I describe below seems to have a lot of similarities and connections to a dream I recently posted. For a description of my earlier dream, see Crossing a River.

In my latest dream, I initially find myself walking around wearing pants and shoes, but no shirt. I feel underdressed and conspicuous. I'm walking through the doorway of the main lobby at my current workplace. I immediately start looking around for a shirt. The dream then morphs, and I now find myself walking into an apartment. It feels like I'm back in college and it's been very long time since I've been back to my apartment. It’s like I’d been attending classes for the past several weeks, but I hadn't yet come back to my apartment. It's a strange feeling, as if I'd been gone, and I hadn’t been totally honest about where I'd been...

Similar to many of my recent dreams, I have roommates. When I enter the apartment, it’s late and dark, and I’m carrying some items with me. One of my roommates is sleeping, and I’m trying to be quiet. I have a "white noise" sound machine and I'm quietly trying to set it up so I won't disturb my roommates. I eventually lie down in bed and I'm just about to go to sleep. At that point, a group of people come into the apartment. There’s a lot of noise and activity. I close my bedroom door and notice that there's a note for me tacked to the wall near the door. It's a long note and it's folded up several times. I assume it's from an old friend of mine who came by and left it while I was gone. I sit down on the bed and start to read it. But right then a woman opens my bedroom door and comes in. She looks at me -- it's dark, but she seems to recognize me. "Hi there, Sweetie," she says. She gives me a hug and sits down next to me on my bed. We both fall back onto the bed in a half embrace (one of my arms is wrapped around her -- it's a very innocent embrace). It seems strange to me that she trusts me so much. She appears to be a pal of mine, but I don't recognize her. However, I go along with the situation. She showed no hesitancy in coming into my room and lying down with me, which I don't mind at all because she's really cute. We start talking, making idle conversation. "So, how have you been?" she asks."What are you up to?" "Oh, I don't know” I say, “I'm just lying here having a nice conversation." We continue to chat, and few minutes later another woman comes into the room lays down on the bed on the other side of me.

At some point, somebody either turns on the light or it's morning. I look around and I realize that my bedroom is a complete mess. The first thing I notice is the carpet. It's actually made out of grass. There are certain patches where the grass is overgrown; it’s apparent that it hasn't been tended to in a long time. The grass is uneven - some areas have grown a lot, others haven't. In fact, there are several patches of dirt, as well. It's an eerie, icky feeling – like things haven't been kept up or cleaned up in a long time. The grass is ugly – it looks like crabgrass. It’s obvious that I've been gone for a long time. As I continue to look around, I notice that I’m now actually in my childhood bedroom. I see a fish bowl on a shelf above a desk. I think to myself, "There's no way that any fish that are still alive in that fishbowl. I've been gone so long and nobody has been around to clean the bowl or feed the fish." The fishbowl water is a little cloudy, but as I look closer, I notice that there are quite a few fish that are still alive. The fish bowl appears to have some kind of automatic self-feeder connected to it. I see a few dead fish in the bowl, but most of them are alive.

As I continue to look around the room, I notice that my bed is unmade and that there are several clothes thrown around. But the women I’m with don't seem at all concerned about the mess. One of them said something about it, but she seemed to shrug it off. I'm amazed by this, because the carpet is making me nauseous. I keep looking at the carpet. What kind of carpet would be made out of crabgrass?

After a few minutes, several more people come into the bedroom. One of them tells me that the group wants to go out and get something to eat. I had been thinking exactly the same thing -- it’s late at night, and I'd missed dinner. Somebody asks me where I want to go. "Do you want pizza or pasta or what?" "I don't have a clue," I say. "Whatever you want." Somebody says "Well, we first need to find you something to wear." Apparently, I don't have a lot of clothes with me. We eventually find some gray sweat shorts and a T-shirt for me to wear. All of us head out to the kitchen, and I notice that there are several more people inside the apartment. I notice a guy carelessly flipping around a sharp butcher knife. He bends it and playfully flicks it at me, and hits me in the neck. It doesn't hurt me, but I playfully act as if it did. I then remember that I have a nice, expensive knife set that I'd kept in a box in a drawer in the kitchen. I wonder what happened to the knives. I tell everybody to hold on for a minute. I look around and see the knife box in a nearby open drawer. The box appears to have been tampered since I last used it. I open up the box and the knives are messed up. At first, I think that one of the knives is missing or broken, and I start to get really mad. "I knew it," I scream out loud. "I knew this would happen. I knew somebody was going to mess with my stuff." But then I see a guy in the room carrying the missing knife. I see that it's not broken. I then start feeling bad that I overreacted so much -- even though it's a nice knife set and I didn't give anybody permission to use it. I put the box away.

Next, I notice some people preparing chicken for a meal. But I know that we're not going to eating there. I walk through the kitchen, and start to leave. One of the women in the group approaches me. "So this is what you are going to wear?" she asks. I apologetically explain to her, "Well these are actually the only clothes I have." She doesn’t seem satisfied. "Well those shorts look kind of dirty," she says. I look down at what I'm wearing, and notice that I look very geeky. I'm wearing gray sweat shorts with dark shoes and dark socks. Nothing matches. I tell the group. "Hey, let's go back to my room. I think I have some more clothes somewhere in there." As I go back to my room, I have to duck as go through the door frame. It’s extremely low, and I have to crawl along the floor to get to my bedroom. I then realize that I don't actually have any more clothes to wear in my closet, but I might have some in my car.

Overall, the feelings in the dream were very haunting – as if I was returning to a particular place from which I'd been gone a long time. It felt as if there had been either a summer break or winter break from school, and classes had restarted and been going on for at least three weeks. Yet I still hadn't returned to my apartment. This is somewhat similar to my current reality, since I’d recently gone on vacation and returned about three weeks earlier. During my vacation, I’d done quite a bit of reading and self-reflecting. But after returning, I immediately got caught up in events at work, and haven’t had much time to return to working on my personal stuff.

My interpretations:

It’s interesting that my dream starts and ends with me looking for clothes to wear. At the beginning, I’m looking for a shirt. At the end, I’m looking for pants. In both cases, I feel underdressed and out of place. My understanding is that clothes in dreams can sometimes represent how we see ourselves, or present ourselves, to the world. In my case, self-respect has definitely been an ongoing issue. In general, I’ve often felt inadequate or out of place around other people, particularly in social situations. I also understand that dirty clothes can represent dirty feelings about myself. There’s probably a lot there for me to examine…
Entering an apartment seems to be reflective of me going back to a time when I lived in an apartment – when I was college and for several years afterward. I guess that there are some feelings are memories from that time that are still haunting me. The white noise maker is actually something that I currently use when I sleep to block out the noise (I’m an extremely light sleeper). The note on my bedroom door must be some kind of message I’m trying to communicate to myself (?)

I’m assuming that the woman who enters my bedroom is my anima. She is extremely friendly, trusting, and supportive of me – much to my surprise. I think she probably represents a part of me that is often missing in my real life. I’m often very self-critical and unsympathetic toward myself.

The crabgrass carpet and the messy bedroom seem to signify dirty aspects of myself, or thoughts of myself (self-image), that I’ve developed over the years. Yet my anima still seems supportive of me. The other people who later enter my bedroom must also represent different parts of me.

The fish in the fish bowl might possibly represent some deeply embedded parts of me that I’ve held back from expressing or acknowledging over the years. I haven’t been feeding them, yet -- to my amazement -- they are still alive.

I guess that the guy flicking the knife at me must be a part of me that is teasing me and trying to be disruptive. I’m not sure what the knife set represents. I’m guessing that I see it as some valuable, useful (and expensive) part of me that I want to take care of. I get upset that some other part of me has “messed with my stuff (mojo).” But, I’m embarrassed when I realize that nothing was actually broken or stolen. Very confounding.
Near the end of the dream, I’m about to go out and get some dinner, but I’m underdressed, and my clothes are dirty. Again, it must reflect the way I perceive myself when I go out in public.

At this point, I’m trying to tie together the messages of these recent dreams I’ve posted. I understand that there are a lot of bad feelings I have about myself that go back to my childhood and came up again later when I was a young adult.

I think that some of the childhood roots of my current self image came from trying to please and calm my controlling, depressive, excessively worry-filled mother. I recall that my thoughts, as a kid, were often, “What would my mom think about me doing this? Will this upset her?” As result, I think I never established much self-confidence. I also recall, somehow, learning the virtues of humbleness (also from my mom). However, I took that idea to some twisted extremes such as “If being humble is good, then feeling good about myself must be bad. Therefore, feeling bad about myself must be REALLY good.”

There are many other childhood-related aspects that I’ve explored in depth during nearly 10 years of counseling. The problem is that while I realize today the damaging effects of those thoughts and feelings (low self-esteem, etc.), I still can’t seem to consistently shake them off. When things start going wrong, I reactively beat myself up. I still don’t have a strong sense of self confidence – especially in stressful situations. So, at this point, it’s frustrating that I keep reverting back to my old self. Even more frustrating is the fact that I continue to have serious problems sleeping at night. I know it’s all related. The question is, at what point will all my inner work / dream work result in me finally getting a good night’s sleep? Maybe the anima in my dream is offering me some kind of support and guidance? Maybe I need to make an effort to find and listen to the nurturing, supportive part of myself that helps me establish a healthy level of self-esteem?

Any insights you might have would be much appreciated!!

Age & Gender & Location {Required}: 46

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Steve,
I will provide an interpretation to this dream and address both dreams later today or in the morning {Sunday}. I have a busy day ahead of me and the time needed to properly address this is limited this morning.
Thanks,

Gerard

Age & Gender & Location {Required}: 58 Murfreesboro, Tn

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A couple of follow-up notes...

Since I posted this dream, I've come to realize that there are still a lot of unresolved childhood emotions that I haven't completely come to terms with. I mentioned earlier that "some of the childhood roots of my current self image issues came from trying to please and calm my controlling, depressive, excessively worry-filled mother."

Well, there's actually a lot more to it. When I was 9 years old, my mom attempted suicide. At the time, I didn't know what had happened. My mom simply disappeared for several weeks and my relatives were very hush-hush about it. All I knew was that something "very bad" had happened. Many years later, I found out that my mom's suicide attempt came about because she felt "she hadn't been a good enough mother."

Anyway, this recent series of dreams has clearly indicated to me that I need to go back and more closely examine my past. Several months ago, I bought a book called "The Narcissistic Family." Well, this weekend, I finally felt compelled to read it. Needles to say, I was amazed at how closely my situation matches many of the conditions described in the book. I now know I still have a lot of work to do...

Also, I think the knife set in this dream probably represents my need to further "cut through" and examine the emotional residue (crabgrass) of growing up around depression, suicide, etc. In some ways, it still feels like "something sad that happened when I was a kid." But in hindsight, it must have been devastating to my psychological development and well-being. I guess I need to come to full terms with all that... dreams never let you forget, do they?

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Steve,
I haven't forgotten your dream. My computer is down and I am having to use an old lap top that sometimes works fine and other times doesn't. Will try to give time in the morning.

Gerard

Age & Gender & Location {Required}: 58 Murfreesboro, Tn

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Hi Gerard,

No problem at all on the delay... I really appreciate the fact that you're willing to respond to everybody's dreams. My dreams are certainly long enough!

Thanks again. :-)

Steve

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Steve,
Your last post is an indication you are on the right path in resolving these emotional issues from childhood that still plague you in your adult life. Whether you realize it or not you are participating in your own 'Individuation, a self psychology that can help you better understand and resolve these issues. I have undergone the same process, lasting 15 years. In the end I am that true person I wish to be {although social duty remains an obstacle} and on a path that fits with that true self {dreams and my web sites}.

A few comments on your last dream.
Without a shirt and looking for one. This may represent '{looking for your true identity', those things that complete who you are. I see this dream as addressing those issues about who you really are and as you stated 'a need to further "cut through" and examine the emotional residue'. This is in search of that real identity.

"as if I was returning to a particular place from which I'd been gone a long time". Of course this is revisiting that past with all the emotional residue. Through your process of self examination you are 'learning' more about yourself and these emotions. But much like myself you have encountered 'social duty' as a drag and the vacation from those requirements are a hindrance to your 'soul' work.

There are many positive aspects to understanding your own dreams and you seem to be doing a wonderful job in doing that. It is soul work, working with your dreams. Sorting out the emotional issues in your life are what dreams help to do.

But what else is there with working with the soul? Discovering your true self, the emotional issues being a part of that, is but a part of the whole. The true self seeks a way to express itself, and until you reach that point of discovery, even with the resolution of past childhood issues {"as best as they can be resolved}, the true expression of Self is in other aspects of the psyche. I look at your pin name to help resolve that issue: sdswriter, with an emphasis on writer.
The creative Self is the ultimate true self. Jung states when exploring the psyche and realizing the truths about oneself, there is that realization that the creative self is the center, and the balance and harmony we seek in life is centered in the creative/spiritual aspect {creativity being a spiritual endeavor...giving of oneself so others benefit from that giving}.

I am impressed with your ability to 'see' into your dreams. If you have time perhaps interpreting others dreams will add to the 'gnosis' that comes with the deeper understanding of the soul. I can always use the help in the sometimes numerous requests at the Dream Forum. You do seem to have a talent for 'seeing'. As all good writers should.

Gerard

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Hi Gerard,

Thanks for all your insight and advice! It’s great how you put everything into perspective for me. Like you, I’m a big fan of Jung, so it’s uplifting to know that I’m somewhere on the “individuation path” – even though it’s a bit rocky and uneven most of the time.

It makes sense that my dreams reflect my search for my true identity. I know I’m not finding it at work -- although I still have to eat and pay the bills. The missing shirt in my dream could quite possibly represent that lack of true identity I’m finding at work. It also makes sense that the leftover “emotional residue” is obscuring my true self. I find it very difficult to focus on emotions; they are hard to pin down and examine – especially from lingering, unresolved issues. My dreams seem to be pointing out that I still have a lot of work to do there…

I have to admit that I haven’t had quite as much success with some of my other dreams. These recent dreams seem to have more clarity and poignancy than others. Maybe I’m finally now ready to face up to some of these lingering issues…

It’s also helpful to know that working through the emotional issues is just part of the process. My “creative self” does pop up from time to time, and it’s encouraging to realize that creativity is the key to unlocking deeper parts of me and restoring my inner balance.

I’ll certainly consider your offer to help out with interpreting others’ dreams, as well – thanks for the offer. :-) I have to admit, though, that I’m still quite new to all this, and I might not have as much success with other people’s dreams. Actually, I think I was helped by the fact that I put some effort into writing my dreams out as clearly as possible, which I tend to do when I post something in public. In the process, I was able to better focus my attention on the content of the dreams and allow the symbolism sink in. I actually do enjoy the challenge of seeing, or reading into, symbols and metaphor -- it’s kind of cool to decipher the mysteries of the soul. As you gathered, I am a writer, and one of my major interests is in learning to apply Jung’s ideas to my writing.

Anyway, I’m thinking it might be good if I follow up with you via email. Perhaps we can find some mutual ground to work on that could benefit both of us...

Thanks again for all your help, Gerard. Your interest and efforts in dreamwork do indeed help others. I’m proof of that…

Steve

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Steve,
Your e-mail will be welcomed. I believe you are far more advanced in Jungian psyche than you may realize. It doesnt require a masters degree to understand the psyche. I'm living proof of that. If it comes natural, and it does for me, Jungian philosophy will speak to that inherent 'gnosis' that is unconsciously recognized by the psyche. Average minds that possess advanced knowledge {and we all have access to that-all that is needed is to waken those inherent senses}. Often it is the case of discovering inherent senses when working with self analysis. Such is the power and persuasion of the 'individuation process'.

Gerard

Age & Gender & Location {Required}: 58 Murfreesboro, Tn

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