I just woke up from a dream where I was sobbing becuase a non-compassionate Police man/State Trooper pulls me over and gives me a ticket for an improper U-turn. I couldn't afford the ticket.

Two things that might have led up to this dream... (1) May's post about "first dreams" left me thinking of the dream that shattered my fantasy world of having a "perfect" mom. In the dream, my mother is driving a big yellow school bus (which was also true in real life). I get out of school and try to get on her bus. She tells me that she is not my mother, and that - maybe - the woman parked behind her was my mother. In desperation, I kept trying to say, "Mom, it's me, remember me." She was unmoved. I went searching for the bus parked behind. This one too looked just like my Mom, but she said the same thing. I went to the next bus only to feel the same desperation and frustration. I woke up crying and with a nauseous feeling that lasted for two weeks every time I thought of the dream. In real life, I was 25 and pregnant with my first baby (a planned pregnancy and past the morning sickness), married for 5 years, just graduated from college, and my parents had been dead for 11 years. (Sadly, I did not keep a dream journal then, and would not start one for another 5 years.)

(2) The second reason why this dream grabbed me tonight was because I was thinking of a recent post where the person talks about forgetting through amnesia. I too tried to forget, and it worked for some time. It was good to live in the fantasy because my psyche could not handle dealing with the reality - NOT YET. This is why I tried to ignore my dreams for so long. BUT, when the mind/Self is ready, there seems to be no turning back. It comes with flashbacks, night terrors, etc. whether you like it or not. Until you turn towards the abyss, or the darkness in the forrest, or dive in, they persist.

There is no turning back... My mother was a neglectful mother who never wanted me. She never protected me from the real life nightmares, and she also created them. But, I know that I am my best mother, which helps me be a mother to my children.

There is a time where adolescent girls forget. Sometimes it is necessary for survival. If there is no one there to validate our reality, it seems fair to create a different story or go crazy. But, when the time is right, we are called to go on this journey of self discovery - alone. At that point, we can't ignore anymore (no U-turns for me). Well, we can try to numb using different types of addictions: drugs, drinking, t.v., shopping, busyness, etc. Or, we can continue to create the fantasy and suffer the consequences of depression, anxiety, psychosis, etc.

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Hi Martha

Its never ceases to amaze me how other things that we come accross in our lives triggers in us memories or reflects similar stories of what is happening for us right now, a mere coincidence, or divine pointing? The bus dream sounds like it had quite an emotional impact on your life, bringing forth many of your feelings of abandonment and rejection.

Your most recent dream the one you awoke from this morning seems to have also had some impact on you, just to give you some possible avenues to explore as to what this dream is about, it is good to look at the dream in a way that shows the dream is about the dreamer and the inner dynamics that are at play within.

Males tend to represent our own mind, or beliefs attitudes, actions and behaviours, The male policeman likley reflects some attitude or belief that carrys some level of authority within, and may also point to the fact that you have believed that this belief is one that has protected you and served you in the past.

Authorities tend to represent outer stuctures, such as group ideas and societys norms and codes in which we live by and to which we give our power too by believing that in someway these external structures of authority are best able to serve our needs, however this relationship to authority can place us in a position of victim hood, likly the feelings you felt in your dream that is your day to day feeling thinking self, where you feel victimised in some way.

It may be that the belief you have internalised is representaive of a group of beliefs that has come from some externalised structure in your life, what comes to mind now as to give an example, is to never turn back 'uturn' but to keep moving forward, chin up keep looking to the future for if you turn back you will lose your energy and get stuck in the past 'fined'.

It is this sort of conflict that your dream suggests has arisen in your energies that in some way you hold a belief that you think will protect and serve you in some way which is to not turn back to your past however this belief leaves you at the mercy of how you real feel and that is you want to go back and find some sort of resolution possibly or healing, which is what reading mays dream triggered in you, that is an old dream that you had while pregnant about the abandonment issues with your mother. this is your turning back, but on some level you are in conflict with this by your the belief of your internalised authority waht ever this is that you should keep moving forward forget about the past, its a non compassionate approach to how you really feel inside and leaves you feeling upset. This is taking your energy you being fined.
Does any of this make sense to you? These are only my views so please take from them what you will
If you have any questions feel free to ask Best to you Marce

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Marce,
When I read your words, the image of the double edge sword comes up for me. Yes, you make perfect sense, and once again I tread lightly. Things could be either-or and both.

There are truths to your words/insights... there is much healing in looking at the past. I don't deny that anymore, however, how much is too much? How much do I just accept and have to make peace with? (In my past dreams, I go back -- making U-Turns -- to find horrific crashes with bleeding and dead bodies... not last night though.)

After many years of life and healing work, I am more at peace. I accept my past and try to move forward. When dreams bring painful memories, I welcome them, but I am also a Mom and wife, and a home-school teacher to my children. So, Yes, I do have to put things into perspective and posibly on hold for a better time, but in dealing with my past and trying to make peace with it, I find that I don't resort to old coping mechanisms anymore. At times though, a fear comes from somewhere that says, "don't go there, that's like opening Pandora's box."

However, I also know how to surrender and allow God to bring me what She/He knows I can handle. This is why I am not afraid to be triggered in reading these posts. Actually, I know this is what it does for me. When I came across this website, my dreams increased in frequency and quality... whatever it takes for growth and individuation. Right?

I hope you hear my appreciation for your kind words of wisdom and insights. I will continue to think of what you said. I know I have been harsh on myself in the past to let things go and get over in NOW, so I have to pay attention.

I hope this wasn't too long and that I cleared up anything that needed clearing.
Martha

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Not too long at all
Thank you for your feed back
Many blessings Marce

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Hi Martha
After leaving the computer something more came to me and even though for sure I dont know where this going I thought it may or may not be useful to continue with a little more exploration, Even this could be playing devils advocate in some way,

The second time I read your initial post I understood why my reply was a double edge sword for you, I had not initially digested the latter half of your second post -

"This is why I tried to ignore my dreams for so long. BUT, when the mind/Self is ready, there seems TO BE NO TURNING BACK. It comes with flashbacks, night terrors, etc. whether you like it or not. Until you turn towards the abyss, or the darkness in the forrest, or dive in, they persist.

THERE IS NO TURNING BACK... My mother was a neglectful mother who never wanted me. She never protected me from the real life nightmares, and she also created them. But, I know that I am my best mother, which helps me be a mother to my children.

But, when the time is right, we are called to go on this journey of self discovery alone. At that point, we can't ignore anymore (NO MORE U TURNS FOR ME). "

And Ive capitilised what it was that stood out for me on reading the second time around, As I understand these phrases you have used concsiously to describe what your dream was speaking to you, sorry I missed that, but im wandering if the energy in these statements is showing you the belief that you hold that in some way will protect and serve you, here as you write your self YOU CANT TURN BACK, not as in not turning back to the past but in turning away from your healing journey, This is your belief, im just wandering if when you read Mays dream it brought up feelings from the past that were uncomfortable for you, and in response somewhere you said to yourself there is no turning back, its a belief that stops you going in the other direction, but a forceful one, or authorative one, which lacks a sense of compassion towards oneself and to the feelings that came up for you at this point, reflected by your day to day feeling self in the dream.

Its a tough row to hoe believing you have to go it alone on your journey, no one there to help you, and it must feel quite an abandoment in itself to turn your self back around and go back into the abyss with out any light, I fully undestand where your coming from, the want to 'turn around' in self, the response to reading mays dream, but your belief here that you believe is serving you does not actually seem to be for your highest good either, that belief that there is no turning back.

At this point your dream suggests that the feelings to attend to in your self are the feelings that have come up for you in the dream, which are possibly ones that were felt after the conflict that was generated after reading mays dream and not actually the feelings that stem from your relationship with your mother but the feelings of when is enough enough.
However your response in self is to exercise that internal authority You cant turn back, this is not really helping you either, the dream hihlights to maybe become ware of how this attitude is impacting on your day to day well being.

How much do you do, when is enough enough? you asked good question, im not really sure and for people whom ive spoke to and have been on this healing journey for some time , are still working through the layers of hurt and injustice that come up time and again, Our souls will continue to grow and evolve from these lessons, and from my own experience it seems we revisit each lesson in a different way, the healing becoming deeper each time until there is a deep knowing of the souls one has incarnated with and a deep forgivness has taken place for all deeds done on this physical plane. Until we can see the true light even in those who have hurt us most, will we be free and our lessons learnt, to love unconditionally so to say, which I get the impression you have been working towards in self

Im writing this also because I Didnt get a sense that there was complete closure on this for you, your reading Mays dream it seems has brought something else up for reflection and healing and its hinting possibly at your time now to explore further.

Best to you Marce

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Just a little bit more which I wanted to edit or add too what I wrote

Its a tough row to hoe believing you have to go it alone on your journey, no one there to help you, and it must feel quite an abandoment in itself to turn your self back around and go back into the abyss with out any light, I fully undestand where your coming from, the want to 'turn around' in self, the response to reading mays dream, but your belief here that you believe is serving you does not actually seem to be for your highest good either, that belief that there is no turning back.

Im just wandering if it is here that it is this pattern that is being mirrored similarley from your past, that is abandoment in self to your own healing is this really the pain for you right now, the feelings that you awoke with in the dream, In life when we have been through some situation or crises of being rejected we set up similar pattern in relationship to our self, im just wandering if you have continued this pattern of rejection of your self in your own energies in relation to your belief of what it means to heal to move forward in the same way you did in your childhood

If this is the case then i is possible that the policeman is tied to the debilitaed feeling self in some way where it has served you through your childhood to have this attitude in self not to turn back but an attitude which is ultimatly abandoning you in some way, in the same way your mother abandoned you to your journey through your childhood, you have taken this pattern on in your self through continuing this rejection on a deeper level abndning your own self in your healing journey

Just something I wanted to elaborate on whether it has any bearing on where you are im unsure.

Marce

Okay -- Okay -- STOP! Just kidding.

Here are some comments:
- I like having a devil's advocate.
- Yes, May's dream brought up some feelings, but I know that these feelings will always be there for me. I mean if your own mother can't love you - who can?
- Yes, I have been hard and uncompassionate towards myself, but I am better than I used to be.
- About the closure... No, I thought there was closure for me - Thanks for opening up a can of worms! I'm just kidding. I appreciate the challenge to further grow and question.
- For going it alone - I am definitely not ready to give that one up quite yet. "Just me and God" the way it's always been. Safe.
- And yes, there has been a pattern of hating parts of myself even to the point of abusing self either through actions or words, but I thought I was doing so much better. I'll have to think about that one some more.
Marce, now go do something fun
Martha

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No more hounding I pomise, its the eternal rescuer in me

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Have You Posted Before? Date of Last Post {Use Search and Your Post Name to Help Find Last Post} m