The dream:

I am out in the woods with my boyfriend and our daughter and the children from her kindergarden. My boyfriend is supposed to keep an eye at our daughter, but suddenly she is out of sight. He starts looking for her and at first I'm not really worried.

Next I'm further away from rest of the group and I'm trying to reach my boyfriend on the cell phone, to find out if he has found our little girl, but my mobile is now broken into two pieces, and I can't figure out which part has the battery in it.

I'm starting to realize that our daughter has been gone for two hours now, if he hasn't foud her yet. Still I'm almost convinced that he has found her, but suddenly (can't remember how) I get the shocking message: She is still not found! I shout out to the people from the kindergarden: "Are people looking for her??" cause i think they are all just standing there, not taking it seriously.

It starts to come clear to me that she is really gone, out there somewhere on her own, and she is afraid and alone, and when the night comes she will be terrified and cold, and I won't be there to comfort her. I stumble my way up a hill, crying, and then I get the idea that she maybe has fallen into the river and is gone forever.

I fall down on the ground, it's almost at the top of the hill, it is sunshine, and below me is the forest and a waterfall. I cry and moan, I'm filled with an undescribeable, desperate grief, and my voice crying out echoes between the steep stone walls by the waterfall below me. It's the worst feeling I've ever experienced, and I see nothing more to live for, and when I think of my future I see myself locked up in a mental institution.

I wake up, but when I fall asleep again, I'm on the deck of a boat with my daughter and my boyfriend. It's in the night and the deck is high above the water. I'm desperate to keep my daughter away from the fence, cause she is small enough to fall through it and down in the water. I say to them both that if she falls, I'm going to jump afer her.

These dreams really scared me, and very intense emotions were involved. I feel that my reaction in the first dream was just the way I would react in real life.

Hoping you have some thoughts to share..

Inanna

Age & Gender & Location {Required}: 29 Norway

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Inanna,
I know we have discussed your own 'childish attitudes' as an adult, but the one other constant theme to your dreams seems to be the mother/daughter relationship {which we also have discussed in other posted dreams}. In this dream there is the fear of losing your daughter. It could be the daughter in your dream is you. Unconsciously there may be the fear of being alone {she is afraid and alone, and when the night comes she will be terrified and cold, and I won't be there to comfort her}. If you put yourself in the place of your daughter, could the 'I won't be there to comfort her' apply to your mother? Was the relationship so unforgiving that unconsciously you are holding onto those past experiences and they are trying to take control of your life?

The paragraph about being locked in a mental institution seems to be addressing a mental state of depression. Are you experiencing feelings of depression? If so, and we know about your 'childish attitudes', can we trace the origins to these emotions to your own childhood? This may be buttressed with the inclusion of mistrust in the dream toward your boyfriend in the dream. Perhaps your won father wasn't helpful during your childhood, as well as real feelings of mistrust toward your actual boyfriend {which may or may not be exaggerated due to unconscious stimuli from childhood}.

What was unconscious may be coming to consciousness {It's in the night and the deck is high above the water}. The line if she falls, I'm going to jump after her". You may feel you are beginning to, or have the capacity, of becoming like your mother. This may be purely unconscious and you could never act toward your daughter as your mother may have acted toward you. Unless of course there is so much internal conflict you are unaware of your actions.

Does this fit? Let me know your thoughts and perhaps we will be able to sort this out.

Gerard

Age & Gender & Location {Required}: 58 Murfreesboro, Tn

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Yes, I felt lost and lonely as a child, and my mother never gave me the comfort I needed. She left me out in the woods emotionally. I'm just realizing how deeply wounded I was and how much this hurts even today.

Of course I'm very afraid of beeing left alone again, and this is influencing my relationship with my boyfriend very much. It also produces a great fear of doing harm to my daughter emotionally. I just want to do everything right by her, so she'll never feel the same loneliness and fear I did.

Thinking about all this, makes me tired and somewhat depressed, and I feel that I sometimes lack the patience and energy to cope with the daily life. I try my best to protect my daughter from my inner conflicts, but my feelings are so strong and overwhelming and I sometimes feel so lost and alone. Then, I don't feel capable of giving her the feeling of safety she needs. How can I give what I don't have? This makes me so sad. And it makes me afraid of doing the same mistake my mother did. I really hate it when I see myself acting like her, even if I think I'm not really doing that. She never worked to solve her inner conflicts, but I really do.

My real father disappeared out of my life when I was three, and my steph father has never been a father figure, as he was too young.

It's tiring all this dreaming... But I hope I'm going somewhere..

Inanna

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Inanna,
I went back to our discussion {Your posts No Fear} about your childhood and Pippi Longstocking movies. Then I went to Wikipedia to get a quick review of the Pippi's story. How well do you identify with her story {on film} and how close do you feel her life resembles yours? Her temperament toward adults is something you probably identified with as a child.

You stated in another post you feel "you believe strongly that I'm on the path of confronting my shadow side" {your post Re: Down below and high up above}. Could it be your shadow is in fact that 'need' to confront the anger you feel toward your parents is instead being directed at yourself? Pippi was doing what you could not do. Could it be the close association you felt for her as a child is actually a deeper connection which has yet to be been resolved into adulthood? That could be your shadow, those experiences you reject as not being proper treatment of a child, the lack of proper love and acceptance.

Of course now that you have begun to understand the process you have been going through {your self-analyzing}, what do you do next to resolve this shadow issue? Is your participation in the Individuation Process not enough to overcome the depressed feelings you are experiencing? Are this feelings of despair an intermittent thing or is it constant? Have you undergone any counseling for depression?
If it isn't a constant then you may be an the end of a cycle of 'death and rebirth'. When you get to that final realization of what your shadow is, then the forces of 'darkness {a last attempt by the ego not to confront the shadow} will throw all manners of 'terrors' at you. You may be at that point of Campbell's Monomyth that he called Initiation. Some of the aspects of that stage of the process seems to fit you.

Apotheosis
The heroine's ego is disintegrated in a breakthrough expansion of consciousness. Quite frequently the hero's idea of reality is changed; the heroine may find an ability to do new things or to see a larger point of view, allowing the heroine to sacrifice herself {psychologically}.

But before the heroine gains this new knowledge she must endure

The Road of Trials
Once past the threshold, the hero encounters a dream landscape of ambiguous and fluid forms. The hero is challenged to survive a succession of obstacles and, in so doing, amplifies his consciousness. The hero is helped covertly by the supernatural helper or may discover a benign power supporting him in his passage.

These may apply if your depression isn't/hasn't been a constant and most days you are able to cope and see the positive while enduring the emotional pain. This formula that Campbell sets forth is a universal experience that nature has provided to help the psyche balance what needs balance. And of course a part of Jung's Individuation Process of realizations.

The title of your post probably reveal a lot as to where you are. Despair.
But another post was titled Down below and high up above .Up and down feelings perhaps?


If there is a constant state of depression then please seek counseling. Just be able to talk to someone is therapeutic. A mild medication may help tremendously, until you are able to cope on your own.

Gerard

Age & Gender & Location {Required}: 58 Murfreesboro, Tn

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Gerard,
I've looked into the link about the monomyth and it made perfect sence to me.

The hero caracther has been close to my heart, ever since I was a child. There was Pippi, but also strong male heroes. Imagine a seven year old girl coming home from school and putting on one of the Rocky films to watch the hero eventually win the fight he was bound to lose.. maybe this was a symtom of the longing for a strong masculine figure in my life, but I remember I was really feeling the urge to BE that hero to.

I've always loved the stories about the other hidden worlds, and remember searching for actual gateways out in the garden when I was little. It's only because I now believe these worlds are to be foud by serching inside that I've stopped doing that...

When I was 22 i stumbeled upon the myth of Inanna. We had a substitute lecturer in drama class, and she was working on translations on some of the texts about Inanna. It was "The wedding" and "The Descent". I was stunned, and felt that the texts were talking directly to me. I went up to her after the lecture asking if I could have a copy. She first said she couldn't do that as she was still working om them, but then she noticed my necklace, a heartshaped Paua shell, and then she said: Wow, I used to sell necklaces just like that when I lived in New Zealand. She then decided to give me a copy after all.
The funny thing is that I hadn't wore that necklace for a long time, until I put it on that morning. It was a gift from my grandmother.

Further on I started to have dreams that predicted furure events very precicely, and when I met my boyfriend, everything was happening in this mystical magical world, full of symbols and syncronisity.

Then,gradually, this feeling of connectedness with everything started to fade away, and the real world became more real, and that started a series of inner conflicts. I just want everything to be filled with divine meaning again, and I struggle to accept the everyday world. I want those visions and dreams and that certainty back.

But back to your question. I'm not depressed all the time, it's not at all constant. Most of the time I cope well and sometimes I feel great too, but still most of the time I have this longing and confusion going on in the back of my head, not knowing what to believe in, what to trust in. And I have days when I feel this despair. The feeling of having lost it all.

It means so much to me that you are taking the time to reflect with me. It's not something I can get advice on elswhere. Thank you.

Still going strong!

Inanna

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Inanna,
It is good to know you are not in a state of depression. But can you pin down the reasons why you stopped 'having that magical world, full of symbols and synchronicity?" You state it began when you met your boyfriend. Is that just a co-incidence? Or does that aspect of your life intercede with the 'magical world'. Perhaps reality has interceded instead. Is that a good thing? Was that magical world a a part of your 'childishness' state? Perhaps there is a medium where the two can co-exist. Would that be acceptable, or even possible? The magical world may be a part of your childhood world. Unresolved issues.
Is that all bad though? If it helps you be more be creative, and alive, then perhaps beyond it being a possible refuge from reality of your childhood it holds some resolution to those childhood issues.

Gerard

Age & Gender & Location {Required}: 58 Murfreesboro, Tn

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I think I'll have to explain what made the meeting with my boyfriend so special. It was a dream that brought us together.

I was standing at the foot of a mountain in the night, in front of a winding stair, going uphill. I walked up the stairs and on both sides there were golden lanterns in hanging in the trees.
Behind me, following me, was a dark figure, like a totally black shaddow, and it had a very negative energy, NOT wanting me to go up there. But I didn't care, I knew something important was waiting for me, and I kept on going. The shaddow followed me very reluctantly.

At the top, there was a beautiful small temple, and I went in and sat down on a high stool. The shaddow stood behind me, and I could feel the negative energy growing into pure anger. The room vas very bright, the light seemed to come from above, and there were carpets on the floor. In front of me there sat a thin, naked man, he was some sort of Guru and he smiled at me and said: "I knew it"

Then, suddenly I was back at the foot of the mountain, it was early morning, and my boyfriend, who I hardly knew at all then, was standing in front of me. He grabbed my arm and looked me straight into the eyes and said: "Isn't it time to wake up now?"
I woke up, wrote the dream down and forgot about it.

Later that day I went with some friends to a place to play pool. I had never been there before. Inside there was a stair with golden lanterns on both sides leading up to the pool room, which looked exactly like the temple room in the dream. One of my friends was really negative and mad because he didn't like my other friend, I think there was some jeaoulusy going on between them. He stood behind me, I sat on this high stool in the exact position as in the dream. And as in the dream I could feel his anger growing. I didn't care, I just wanted to have fun with my other friend. After a while, my angry friend left without explanation.

Later that night, my other friend and I went for a drive, and when we saw the northern lights in the sky, he decided that we should drive up to a mountain nearby to get a good view. We did, and went out of the car, and in the sky was this green bridge, a perfect bond dividing the sky in two. I suddenly felt like declearing a wish, and I said out loud what I wished for. It had never felt so clear to me what I really wanted: True love. The extreeme. Someone who could see me, and love me exactly like I was.

The following day I was out with some other friends, including my boyfriend. We were playing this game where each of us picked subjects to talk about in turn. When it was my turn, I said we were going to talk about different types of light. My boyfreind replied emmidiately: The northern lights! I then said: I saw that yesterday! And then came the reply that really first came clear to me when I later read the dream again and recognized the events: "I knew it! I knew that you saw it."

It was the same place and events, and it was the same words. The details were many and very accurate. This was the start of our relationship.

So we were ment to be, I know.
following this we got to know eachother, and for me it felt like he was reading my mind, like everything I had believed to be reality was just a veil covering the true world. I felt like evrything was speaking to me, and we were communicating without words. I felt like I was chosen, like the whole reality was changing, and I was evolving into another type of conciousness.
So when did the trouble start? When we became quite ordinary people after all, maybe. When I discovered that most of the magic was going on in my mind, and not in his. When he turned out to be just a boy, not some kind of superhuman who had come to rescue me... The worlds collided. I have no doubt that the dreams and some of the events were truly precognitive and telepathic, but if it was really true, then why do we have to have these ordinary fights and weaknesses?

You're right about some of this beeing part of a childish fantasy world. But I feel I need this world to exist in order to stay creative and inspired. I need to feel chosen and special, that I have something to say, something to teach. Is that just the ego trying to hold on to me, or what?

Something is telling me to delete this reply. "It's too personal, it's too much, it is not to be shared" Wonder what that is? Is it the shaddow?

I take the chance, hoping you can get something out of it..

Inanna

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Inanna,
I'll take a look at your dream in the morning. It should be interesting to discover more about your 'enchantment' and how your love affair came about. I will add a few comments to carry over.

If you wish to have it deleted I will gladly do so. I can understand not wanting too much about your private self. But your story as we have discussed {and illustrated through the Pippi Longstocking story}, and you have so kindly shared, is a wonderful story, and a story so many will identify with. Much of the shared emotional experiences that attract others also had to do with childhood. And your story illustrates just how those unresolved childhood issues can become unconscious motivators later in life. Too often negative and destructive. Unless they are acknowledged and resolved. Then they can become an asset because of the wisdom of the experience.

It isn't uncommon for visitors to open up here at the Forum. Most seem to be searching and since dreams expose the true self, being yourself is a natural inclination. If you leave knowing more about yourself then my mission has been a success.

You have a story that is much like your fairytale {metaphor and symbol as is in the myths}, Pippi Longstocking's journey and your identification with it. Heroes and heroines are our own super natural selves and you find one that fits your story, you begin to identify the patterns in your life and become award of what is unconsciously motivating you and your behavior. And although there must a translation of the fairytale into metaphor so the patterns can be identified for the conscious mind to understand {and start the healing process}, the unconscious, intuitive recognition are almost instantaneous. The psyche recognizes the relationship of the story without knowing anymore than what is mentally acknowledged at that moment. These are Jung's archetypes, and illustrate the universal patterns of behavior.

"I need to feel chosen and special, that I have something to say, something to teach. Is that just the ego trying to hold on to me, or what?"

It is not really ego by itself, it is in part an unconscious motivation for fulfillment. What you are seeking is what you never properly received as a child. That 'special' attention you never received.
And as your life evolves those unresolved conflicts either lay dormant until a later time in life {often mid-life} or expose themselves in some unbalanced behavior or an addition to something that isn't healthy, or both.

The need to fell chosen too can be traced to childhood. Time builds on to it and if not careful the ego can start to take advantage {ego is weak and undisciplined, what the body wants the body/mind gets}. That is what you have to be conscious of, not letting the ego take control.

My thinking is assigned from Joseph Campbell, and from the psychology of Carl Jung. It is the creative Self that provide that balance, fills that void, gets the attention you seek {it becomes a spiritual because you want to share from the soul} the inner attention that never came in childhood. Campbell calls it 'following your bliss', that thing that the soul loves doing most, and it is creative, and spiritual.

Both Campbell and Jung warn us of that ego self and the emotions. And the social dragon that keeps you from your 'bliss'. In human nature as in all of nature there are the cycles. Up and down, depressed and then confident, emotional yet always yielding to objectivity and discovering new things. That's the journey, slaying all the personal dragons, overcoming all obstacles with some discipline and the soul's 'helping hands, discovering and living that creative identity that will soon overshadow all else.

But I get the sense you know that already. Maybe it is just getting there that is the problem.

Gerard

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Inanna,
The first dream seems to be addressing your shadow, those negative aspects that follow you through life. Consciously you do not want to 'awaken' to this shadow self. Unconsciously you are seeking ways to expose this shadow side.

But you continue to return to where you began in this attempt to expose what it is that negatively affects your life. There may be a need to use more discipline and force in confronting your shadow side {your boyfriend symbolizing masculine aspects of discipline and acceptance}.

The waking scenes that correspond to your dream may be projections of your psyche that lead to synchronistic events. Although dreams do not often predict future events, for some there are instances of future experiences that are
synchronistic. Especialy those who possess psychic energies above the norm. The first part of your explanation seems to fit that possibility.

But the night time experience looks to be an event that is similar to what you dreamed but is in reality a projection of your desire for 'love' {substituting that desired love never received in childhood}. Is it possible you were trying/wishing to magnify the experience to fit your needs/desires.

The 'following day' experience also seems to be as much a wish fulfillment of the dream as it is a super natural event. And it just happens to be something coincidental to what your bf had in mind. Thus your attraction to him {which you state has grown stale}.

I sense the attraction as real but it does not fulfill that lost childhood. Plus he probably has limits in his ability to access that higher nature {yours is more developed} and thus the attraction has its limits. On one hand you have these creative skills that manifest your metaphysical abilities but on the other hand there are those childhood issues that need resolution. Your bf is limited to help in the first and a substitute for the second.

Where do you see the relationship going? Is the staleness something that can be rectified? Or is it you need more from a relationship, someone who meets your level of psyche? It also probably has to do with the 'inner' conflicts. Your bf can not solve these issues, it is something you have to do. And how does he fit with your creative Self? I think we know that aspect is capable of taking your negative experiences and turning them into positive ones. Does he fit with that growing creative Self, does the relationship add to that most important aspect?

A negative response doesn't necessarily mean you need to dissolve the relationship. It may mean you need to consult with your bf to let him know there is a staleness. And you have inner needs that go beyond the relationship.

Gerard

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