Hi, I tried to send this dream message before but I'm not sure it was successful. And I've been re-thinking it anyway in terms of the temptation to always see evil as something outside of ourselves.

Here's the dream again.

I'm in a modern, hi-rise apartment with high ceilings and almost floor to ceiling windows. I'm sitting on the sofa facing the wall of windows, with my little dog, Penny, sitting beside me and an assasin in a similar hi-rise building some distance away is standing at a window with a telescopic rifle and shooting at me. I move away from the direct line of fire and call for official law-enforcement help, in the midst of my confusion. A harsh looking, severely dressed middle-aged woman arrives with a team of anonymous people in response to the call. She stands in the middle of the room. The assissin is still firing but neither she nor any of the others are taking any action. The assassin is completely detached and emotionless. He is just like a human machine doing business. I'm somewhat scared but not terrified, having moved off to a safer angle of the windows and I'm also very curious to understand what's going on and so am observing. I realize that at some point, I got shot in the neck. The bullet is still there but it is a small caliber bullet and there is no blood. I'm concerned about protecting Penny. She is a sweet, innocent thing and though she knows something unusual is going, she is not aware of the danger and is waving her tail happily beside me, looking up expectantly at me. She seems to think that everything is okay because I'm there. I notice that there are tattered and yellowed Venetian blinds that have rarely if ever been used at the top of the windows. Since no one is acting, as a minimum, I crouch down to safely reach the cords and lower the blinds of the windows beside me. I wonder why the woman and her team aren't either evacuating the apartment or taking me to safety. Although I want to understand what is happening, I realize that the people I called are neither taking action nor helping me to figure out or explain to me what is going on. I look over at the door and think--that's it, I'm out of here. I'll just leave the drama to them as though I will be out of its sphere. But as I am about to leave, the woman's head whips around and she panics in a menacing way. She screams for me to be stopped and it as if her mask has dropped. I realize she is the mastermind of the hit.

Being chased by the woman and the assassin, I run to a huge nature park, looking for a place to hide. I'm now really scared and trying to buy myself time There seems to be a time element as though the real good law enforcement people on their tail now that the woman has been exposed. From behind a tree, I look out at a beautiful gleaming monument, sitting atop a large mound or small hill in the middle of a beautiful, verdant, well-manicured lawn. I consider hiding inside of it, thinkng there must be an entry and chambers to it. But as I am weighing the possibilities of getting trapped inside of it with no further options, I notice a construction site off to the right. Big machines are digging up the earth, preparing the ground for something. I decide that is where I am going to hide because I know the woman and the assissin would never believe I would be willing to hide in such an unlikely, muddy, dirty place. In the next scene of the dream though, I find myself in the midst of a group of children, laughing and playing in a children's play area of the park. I worry about my presence there endangering them. In the next scene, I am crouched down, hiding in a shed in the play area. The woman and the assassin have been caught but a third threat has emerged. An executive type man, wearing a business suit with a sense of his being with the FBI is secretly part of the conspiracy. He's the final threat and he is searching for me peering through a long window of the shed for me. There is a clown and a few children in the shed as well. The clown is tall and stands with his back to the open door, blocking the view of me in from the door. The sun is brightly shining through the door. I am crouched down behind the window ledge which is full of books. The books block the man's view of me but then the books start to disappear little by little until there are only a few left and I know the man will see me and catch me as soon as he looks this way again. But then the man gets caught and the dreams ends.

I'm pondering the dream in terms of childhood issues and while there is some resonance there of betrayal by people who were supposed to help and a long held fear of other people's envy, I keep being drawn to also seeing the dream in a larger panorama of spiritual search.

Thanks for any help.

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it seems that you are struggling with the archetype of a helpless victim - which you have already outgrown. you see yourself as an object of multiple ongoing conspiracies - and devotedly relying on the hlpe of others or just running awya and hiding. obvioyusly, the dream is trying to tell you that htis won't do - you have plenty of intelligence (you can see through all that is happening) and personal strength (you can see what needs to be done) --- but you have blocked your ability to stand up for yourself and fight back with your own resources or even fists. your dream seems to urge you to MAKE A DECISION to stand up for yourself, grow into a "lioness" and do your own fighting. hiding in freshly dug earth means:returning to "earthly" ideas, to ground level of who you are, and identifying yourself with Mother Earth, finding her within. the assasin tries to kill in you something you no longer need but hold onto. stop running away - face the killer - your own intellect is toxic, but you already have the healing answers at your disposal.

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Something is needing/ready to be revealed about yourself. So many windows from floor to ceiling, the dream seems to be dealing with a lot, perhaps emotional issues, perhaps personality, or perhaps all the aspects about who you are. But there is an assassin, something that is trying to prevent you from these realizations. This could represent something internal or an actual person or experience, or both. There is confusion about the issue{s}. Moving away from the direct fire may suggest you are avoiding some aspects of these issues. You seek higher counsel in these matters {which may represent a real person or seeking help by posting your dream}.


The assassin may be your own emotional being.


The middle aged woman is probably addressing current aspects {you are middle aged}. Being in the middle of the room also may be addressing middle age issues. Perhaps there is a discernible pattern being formed. Could these emotional issues be centered on mid life issues?


The detached and 'emotionless' assassin could be a description of you. You are going about your life feeling there is no purpose or meaning. Once again you are avoiding confronting many of these issues. Being shot in the neck may suggest a need to penetrate those unconscious aspects to conscious understanding {the neck connects the conscious and unconscious}. There are wounds in your life and perhaps you try to make them seem so little as not to confront them.


Penny may represent that thing in life that you truly care for. In a world that is void of meaning you seek that one thing to cling to.Penny is not only the waking life love of your life but she also represents that inner aspect that needs your love. Internally you are seeking understanding and acceptance of who you are {having to do with meaning in life}. You have begun to inspect {a natural aspect of the mid -life thing} yourself internally {going inward as it is often called}. But you are afraid to be exposed to the deeper aspects and keep those parts hidden within you {this is getting to the roots of your true identity}. You want to understand these aspects and how they affect who you are {again, the deeper issues to causation to who you are}. And you want to better understand yourself in this phase of your life. You are not engaging those deeper issues, afraid they will 'assassinate' what balance you have in life. You are avoiding the 'drama' within your life, the deeper emotional issues. But that won't do, you must unmask those inner issues and confront them before you can deterime what is the 'mastermind' of all that is within you, and outside you.


This is the common path of the mid life journey. Seeking meaning in life, making sense of the changes within you and outside you.


I suggest you read up on Jung's Individuation Process if you have not already done so. This involves an internal look at yourself, a self examination of your life and the need to confront all those emotional issues you have avoided up until now. When you do begin to make that examination the true healing begins internally. Externally you begin to discover true meaning in your life. Often that discovery is associated with the creative aspects which provides meaning for you personally.


From the Power of Myth
Joseph Campbell: People say that what we're all seeking is a meaning for life. I think that what we're seeking is an experience of being alive, so that our life experiences on the purely physical plane will have resonances within our own innermost being and reality, so that we actually feel the rapture of being alive. That's what it's all finally about, and that's what these clues help us to find within ourselves.

gerard/Jerry

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Gertrude,

Thank you so much for giving thought to this on my behalf. It is much appreciated. And your insights valuable, pointing to a thread of exploration that I hadn't considered, that of protecting something "needing to die" and casting myself in the role of helpless victim.

The latter is something I certainly would have felt as a child in terms of physical violence at home and certainly sexual trespass that I thought the authorities that were supposed to help, i.e "take action"--a neighbour policeman, the family doctor and neighbours-- instead thought best to cover up and not further burden my parents with and I guess handle quietly in a way unknown to me.

I myself was curious as to why confrontation wasn't an option since in truth, I am a very powerful, strong person albeit not necessarily in the physical sense. I have a feeling that in the dream I tried to imagine or envision being caught to prepare myself as it seemed the only possible outcome from being caught would devolve into a physical struggle. But my mind would not let me go that route. I seem to recollect in the dream that I thought that if it turns violent I haven't got a shot--that I would be physically overwhelmed so my only hope was to avoid physical confrontation. But even stronger than that thought was an intuition, almost like a message, that I was proscribed from physical violence, that I was not allowed to engage in it or participate at that level. As though my resolution or success would have to rely on something else.

I am going to pause here, Gertrude. You have given me great advice in your feedback and I want to quietly pursue several of your comments further. Thank you.
Julie

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julie,
It does seem there is that real person who can be described as an 'assassin' in your waking life. The childhood experiences of physical violence, the individual{s} who 'assasinated' your childhood.

As for your being a fit with the 'helpless victim' archetype, perhaps these noted patterns will help in that determination {from Root Chakra Archetypes}:

Experiences the world at the mercy of outside forces that work against it

Seldom has awareness or sense of responsibility for its circumstances

Is always in a helpless state

Totally reliant on partner, companion, family, organization, etc.

Is disconnected from their inner core of feelings

Mind is stuck in a frozen state of fear, terror or desperation

Experiences no sense of empowerment

Add this description and you have a pretty good idea of the victim archetype:

The Victim Archetype will lead us into situations where we feel bullied and put down, used or taken advantage of and, it is never our fault. We might feel the world owes us and so we keep waiting to be rescued. Until we have had enough of feeling helpless, stand up and be counted, learn to speak out and make sure that our needs are met and turn victim into victory.

Some examples in film of the victim archetype are Hillary Swank in Boys Don't Cry; Jodie Foster in The Accused; Meryl Streep in Sophie's Choice; Glenn Close in Reversal of Fortune.

In myth these are examples of the 'victim' archetypes:

Isaac (son of Abraham whom God orders Abraham to sacrifice); Heracles (seized by Busiris, mythical king of Egypt who sacrificed all strangers to the gods to avert famine, Heracles avoided being victimized by using his great strength to break his chains and slay Busiris).

To determine your archetype I suggest you visit the site of Carolyn Myss, Determining Your Archetypes

---

Your pronouncement of being a strong willed person seems to be contary to some of the listed items above. Perhaps there are aspects of the 'victim' that may fit but is it the whole you? Are there better patterns that may fit? The victim archetype has a lot of negatives suggesting a strong negative self. I would like to know what positive patterns might fit and would they better fit with you are {my coyote archetype is very positive, a reflection that fits with the 'true' me}.

Dreams are really about patterns of emotional behavior. Determining what fits an individual often can be determined from our dreams. At mid-life the archetypal patterns are more discernible because there is that tendency to look inward thus depriving the ego of its control of perspective as to what really is. To what degree a pattern has control over the life varies by the individual but a particular pattern has its own set of properties that can be very reliable in the process of determining what fits. Of course mythology is where we find the patterns within the patterns, the universal patterns of behavior which evolved from the original imprinted patterns of earliest man {the primitive mind being the original mind for which there is still a definable connection, in Jung's archetypes}.
But each person is an individual and since no two are alike, no matter how strong the identification with a particular pattern fits there will be those differences. I like to equate it to the evolution of species {I am a strong supporter of Darwinism}. The variations of the variations of the variation. The psyche is continually evolving. Individually and mot likely 'universally'. {the universal being as close as I would come in giving a name or form to god, or goddess}.

My archetype is the coyote, or the trickster. This fits me so well I had to use it as a description of my archetype. I like to think of this description as a true picture of my inner self, and something I strive for outwardly in the world of ego: Trickster is a creator, a joker, a truth teller, a story teller, a transformer linked to the spiritual frequency changes humanity is experiencing at this time. The language listed as spiritual frequency is something I believe has to do with the 'intuitive mind'. Although I believe all things can be explained in nature I do also believe there is a level of existence within nature that does provide the 'helping hands' {some call angels} when needed when engaged in the hero journey {an archetypal pattern of itself}. And the ultimate goal for the hero is the dsicover is the discovery of the spiritual self {the Holy Grail in Christian myth}. As for an archetype that is generally recognized from myth and folklore and fits so many we can look to Cinderella or of Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde, Jekyll.

Could it be that the victim archetype is more an inner condition that is not mirrored in the outer ego? If you are that strong willed person then there are contradictions to the victim archetype. Perhaps the ego/personlity hides the true inner condition. I'll let you comment on what has been presented and see how things fall.

gerard/Jerry

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Julie,
i feel very close to you because i had to cope with "being chased" dreams for so many diabolically long years. finally i understood that the only way out is to rely on myself - not on "hiding" not on "getting help" not on "running away" - but actually fighting it out, face to face. i used many methods - even some that i found in dream books for children - "point your finger at the lion chasing you and pronounce a spell: "you are getting smaller, and smaller, and smaller, and now you are as small as a mouse and must run away from me, because i am turning into a cat"; another one - when i made a decision to no longer be a victim, i had a dream that i turned back to face a huge dog that was chasing me (i was severely bitten by a dog in childhood) and i grabbed him by the throat and strangled him till the bones crashed (i am a small relatively physically weak person) - and from this dream on i never again just ran away, although i still had some dreams about avoiding pursuers. but in the end i always wanted to choose the "face to face" confrontation on my own terms.
what chases you is YOUR OWN SHADOW. something you don't want to know because it appears shameful or guilty. it is not - but it just seems so from the angle you are presently taking. no sooner you let yourself look at it - it will loose its menacing appearance and you will be able to grab it and "resize" it to a manageable portion.
the conflict that you cannot avoid to deal with is the fact that your parents were so ridiculously incompetent in teaching you how to feel safe, protect yourself from danger, and develop your own self-reliance, your ability to "fight your own battles". out of love you let them make you feel weak, unsafe, incompetent, vulnerable, easy victim ---- because that's the way they felt, and you were only a small kid "who am i to feel better/stronger/more in control than my own parents or other adults, i'm only a small kid, and a girl". you took on the role of your parent's protector - because they seemed so vulnerable and incompetent.
the problem is that now --- you cannot continue to live this way, your dreams tell you that this outmoded way of living is endangering your life, and you better do something about it now, or there will be nowwhere to hide or run.
what you need to change is the belief that you are weak vulnerable incompetent - because you never ever were, you just took on this role not to embarras your parents (and other adults around you). it will take a lot of courage for you to change this belief and standing - but YOU MUST TAKE YOUR POWER BACK!!!! you gave this power away - and now you must claim it back. the fight is between one side of you - that accepted being a victim, and the other one - who knows you are not, and chases you.
may be you could talk to a mirror (like TRUMAN) - and self-administer a waking confrontation (rehearsal for incubation of a renewal dream) between the little girl puzzled by inadequacy of adults - and the real you, who now wants to understand the consequences of "giving up power".

Age & Gender & Location {Required}: 60 y.o., Australia

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Hi, Gertrude,

I've delayed responding further to you and Jerry because I have been pondering the nature of dreams in a new way thanks to the Dream Forum and researching some of the links Jerry provided me with. (Which, if you're reading this, Jerry, I thank you for very much. It was exactly the sort of stuff I was looking for to expand my search for something.)

A few of the things that have settled into place for me in the past few days, Gertrude, are as follows:

First, that while all of our dreams always hold a personal reflection of something, many, if not all,of them also present an extrordinary wisdom and insight, a universal truth that is applicable to all of us though it is not our faces or characters that appear in them. Someone else had the dream and yet I feel there might very well be a message to all of us in it.

The next aspect I've been pondering, is what if everything in our lives happened for a good reason, that is, that all the shitty stuff was meant to enrich our lives in some way. I've noticed in life that all the sorrows bring their gifts. Our job is to to recognize them. What if from the moment we are born, we have embarked on "The Hero's Journey" and just don't realize it? How differently would we see the twists and turns our lives have taken if we looked on our lives from that vantage point? How courageous we would all seem then for the hardships and confusion we were willing to endure in service of some mysterious good.

Specifically on the Assassin dream, I've been pondering the "victim" aspect. While it is certainly true that on one level, it appears to reflect real personal life experiences and responses and feelings, in particular, feelings of fear and pressure, I'm struck by it as an uncanny and very pithy summary of--for lack of a better term, I'll describe it as a narrative in my life.

In the hope that something in what I say will strike you as well, Gertrude, I'll tell you what I've been thinking about the "victim" part of the dream.

First, I've realized the Assassin dream belongs as part of a collection of dreams that I have had over the years and another "large" dream followed on its heels in which I was assigned three tasks to accomplish. The dreams are like allegories that are being given to me in a series and each subsequent one reveals the "why" of a dream prior.

In a prior dream I had years ago that is connected to the Assassin dream, I chose to return to a situation of certain death rather than go forward to world of bliss but it would have to be without something that was very dear to me. In the earlier dream, at the moment of choice, I knew that no matter what great things lay ahead, they would have no meaning or joy for me if they were not shared with this thing that was dear to me. But when I went back, I was told the plans had changed--instead of being sent to my death, I was being sent to a concentration camp instead.

I looked at the victim aspect of the Assassin dream and I realized that in the dream, I didn't feel powerless or without options. I unquestionably felt rightly threatened and was scared but I also was not willing to passively accept or give into overwhelming force without an effort. "Winning" on their terms, ie, violence, was neither practical nor an option for me. All I could try to do was take evasive action with the hope that I could hold out long enough for the threats to be neutralized.

If I view the dream as an inner struggle in the psyche and see the threats as parts of me that gained bulk because of fearful experiences as a child, then I assume that some delicate part of me that was dear was taking evasive action until other stronger parts could neutralize the threats, ie, resolve stuggles in myself. And yes, the dream also could serve as a narrative of actual events in my life. But once we have internalized something, it doesn't matter who or what left the footprint, we have to work it out on another stage. Our opponent will always be a part of ourselves. And we can slay a thousand trespassers and villains on the outside but until we reconcile with the one within us, they will continue to come at us in hordes on the outside.

And here is one of the wonderfully liberating things that came from the direction you and Jerry guided me toward in the dream--recognizing and accepting a strong victim mentality in my personality. One I was wholly unwilling to acknowledge because of its implications. I didn't want to see myself that way. I refused to believe that this was to be the result. My whole life I have sought to defy that as a role in my life and even developed a persona to counter it. But once I acknowledged that, yes, I had felt very much like a helpless, powerless victim and how horrible and scary it was to be so, something happened. The victim part of me now feels like an ally. And I've been going around thinking, my god, how lucky am I to have such an ally. Who better to counsel me as I go forward into uncertain situations than someone who so intimately knows and recognizes treacherous pitfalls in a path. Intimate introduction to such a powerful ally would not have been possible had I not met it on its territory when I was younger.

These are just some recent thoughts, Gertrude. Hope they are of interest to you as yours are to me. Thanks.

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By the way, does anyone have any guesses as to the significance in the final scene of the books and their disappearing as well as the presence of the clown?

The only connections I can make so far are that I am an avid reader and have sought out the writings of others for knowledge. I am for the moment holding off getting too involved in others' work on a particular subject because I want to see if I come to similar conclusions on my own.

As to the clown, humor has been a godsend to me in difficult situations. It's what lets the air out of the monsters for me.

But both those things were known to me before the dream.

Thanks.

Julie

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Julie,
Books are full of knowledge and are often representative of self knowledge. They probably do reflect your seeking out books in your waking life {that being the stimulus for using books as metaphor in your dream} and use the same symbol for seeking inner knowledge. The use of waking experiences as metaphor for inner seeking is quite common. The 'two' aspects of each symbol having at least two meanings.

But you need to take the whole context of the use of books to get the true representation. "The books block the man's view of me but then the books start to disappear little by little until there are only a few left and I know the man will see me and catch me as soon as he looks this way again. But then the man gets caught and the dreams ends.".

Outwardly there may be some masculine entity in your waking life that fills the role of the man in the dream. But most likely it is pointing to 'inner' masculine aspects. What I see as important is "the books start to disappear little by little". Could that represent the masculine attitude of the ego trying to prevent you from gaining self knowledge? Jung states that the ego will do what it can to discourage self understanding since such knowledge disrupts the ego's control of the psyche. The ego will use 'force', a masculine trait, to do its bidding. The dream is 'compensating' what you already know with aspects that you may not quite yet understand.

The same holds for the clown. He {masculine} is standing with his back to the door blocking your view {of your inner self} The same door that the 'sunshine' shines brightly. Could this clown, in a negative context, again be the ego self trying to block your discovery of self?

A golden rule of Jungian psyche is dreams 'compensate' what we already know with knowledge that we may not know or fully understand about ourselves. Another golden rule is the dream is about the dreamer, particularly the emotional self. It can be quite confusing trying to discern the inner self that is often unknown from the outer self which the dream compensates with inner knowledge.

Try this on for size and see if it fits.

gerard/Jerry

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Whoa, that's alot to wrap my head around, Jerry, but I'm going to give it a shot.

If as you say--rightly, I suspect--that both the clown and the books are connected with the masculine aspect, it would explain quite a few things. Most important is that in the outside world, I have always had a wariness of a strong man potentially being capable of some control over me because of a vulnerability and have close to consciously deliberately withheld a part of me because of that in relationships with strong men. I at once both desire and fear a strong man.

Defenses I use--and that really only men trigger in me and that are predominantly only on show in their company--are a conspicuous display of a superior intellect and a sharp wit, with both usually delivered in a disarming way. It's as though I need to make it clear I wield two swords but sheath them in velvet.

Now if for the moment, I take that and transpose it to an inner conflict and fear, an outside mirror of something inner(rather than examining it in terms of "compensation" yet), then of course it has to be the masculine aspect of me that I have been evading or running from since the wariness manifests itself with men on the outside. And the books and the clown represent the defenses I use. (I hid behind the books and the presence of the clown among the children served to distract the man outside the window looking for me). But the books were disappearing and the clown was not an integral part of the group of children. He was temporary to it. And the bit about the clown and the door harks back to another dream I once had where a man stood between me and the door to my garden which was open with the sun shining in. He refused to let me pass and hit me when I tried to indignantly push past him. I came back at him with a storm of wrath that I knew he was not wholly deserving of but felt he had brought upon himself nonetheless.

Okay, so if that masculine aspect of me is actually my ego...well then what? I think I am going to have to research more about the ego and the masculine to gigure out a way to integrate it. In the meantime, I am going to assume that the dream is illustrating that the threat from the ego has been neutralized and that the books are disappearing because I no longer need that defense. And I think we can get rid of the clown too. So the ego is no longer a threat but now how do I turn the masculine into an ally? I think I first have to understand exactly who it is. And please god, it is a whole me that is going to emerge from the shed.

Once again, Jerry, my heartfelt thanks for your guidance.

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Julie,
You seem to have found a proper response to your 'inner' masculine problem. I think this line puts it into perspective, "Now if for the moment, I take that and transpose it to an inner conflict and fear, an outside mirror of something inner (rather than examining it in terms of "compensation" yet), then of course it has to be the masculine aspect of me that I have been evading or running from since the wariness manifests itself with men on the outside.".
Let's see if I can put a 'wrap around' what I understand to be your inner problem which is manifest outwardly.

The vulnerability you mention, perhaps that is due to a lack of proper masculine aspects within your psyche. Compensation would be why you have such a vulnerability, compensating outwardly what you lack in the inner self.

But then you over compensate by defensive mechanisms. This is the ego's defensive mechanism. The inner self, through dreams as one avenue, wishes to balance the outward life but the ego resists, something that is natural for the ego when it is threatened. The ego does not wish to relinquish its power, its authority. Th ego centered self has a life of its own when it is allowed to proliferate. But it has to have a source, a starting point to be able to prey on vulnerabilities and expand its power. It is half of what we know as duality, opposites, the outer self and the inner life at odds.

Joseph Campbell spoke of the need to thoroughly annihilate the ego {a true death and resurrection} not just a death but a complete annihilation. If this is not done then the ego will rise again and seek to regain its throne and control. Just as an alcoholic must always be vigilant, so too with all other psyche disturbances {which everyone possesses, of some kind}.

This is all within your dream. This is all about you, the outer self and the inner life. A world within a world. One controlled by ego and deception, the other seeking balance and harmony. Being aware of this lack of inner masculine and yet still controlled by it suggests there is still something lacking in the equation to bring about balance. My first response to that is, 'what is the root of your weak inner masculine identity'? We most always end up in childhood experiences in determining that answer.

Refresh my memory if you will. Have we discussed childhood experiences that may have influenced who you are? It may seem odd to think root childhood experiences will help clarify negative personality traits, especially when those traits are already known. But as I stated in my post The Relation Between Adverse Childhood Experiences and Adult Health, it is from childhood experiences many of the patterns of behavior later in life are formed. The imprinting at such an early age is so deep, so profound, even with the knowledge of the pattern involved {weak masculine} it is difficult to realize its affect, and control.

Examine this and let me know your response. As I have stated before in many posts I have a profound belief that dreams point to personality patterns as much as they do general patterns and conditions of the dreamer's life. And most often those patterns are rooted in childhood, something dreams will occasionally address directly, in dreams of childhood specifying a certain age in which to begin the examination {in childhood}.

gerard/Jerry

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Julie,
beyond any doubt you are and ALWAYS were, since childhood, a very strong person with inherent HIGH intellect - since you could see your parents and other adults in your life "objectively" as if you were an adult with a judging capacity then. were it not that you consciously gave up your power, your NATURAL POWER of intellect and character, you would not have had to go through the period of "victimhood" in your life. but obviously, this was needed to learn and grow and expand some aspects of your soul, so you went through a lot of PAIN which became your TEACHER. still, in your dream you possess SERENITY and a sense of reality, just like in your childhood real life experiences, which means your mind always knows where the ground is and keeps your feet firmly there. and it is worthy to note that FEET soemtimes symbolize our soul, and are connected to sexuality, not only as a metaphor.
i see this dream as helping you to get back your power, the sense of SELF, and to stop counting on others to "save you". you don't need any "saving" --- YOU ARE OK AS YOU ARE!!! you have the strength and a keen mind to fight your own battles.

Age & Gender & Location {Required}: 60 y.o., Australia

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Hi, Jerry and Gertrude.

I´ve been absorbing all this helpful info. There is no question that an off balance inner masculine feels very right, a part of me that has been contained or sidelined. And I also have a serene sense (lovely word, Gertrude, thank you) that my ego is no longer a threat in terms of what guides me or on what basis I will make decisions.

But I am struggling with understanding the qualities or the character of the masculine, both positive and negative. So I can´t seem to even think about balance yet when I don´t understand what I am trying to balance.

Once again, I think you may have come to the heart of the matter, Jerry, in asking me to look at this specifically in terms of childhood experience.

I´m wondering, is the way I perceived my father connected to how I view the inner masculine? For example, if I perceived my father as weak, will I make the inner masculine weak? And i´m confused--do we compensate inwards or outwards? For example, if I have weak inner masculine, do I then wear the masculine on my sleeve , so to speak, is it portrayed dominantly outwards? I'm very confuded here--but determined nonetheless because I´m sure you are right.

So let me do it this way, Jerry. I'm going to give a brief description of my feelings about my father since childhood and see if you can hopefully connect the dots for me so that I can understand the concepts you are talking about.

My father was a loving, basically gentle man and also an alcoholic. I,and my siblings, viewed him as weak, ineffective and the pits in a crisis, another casuality to have to be taken care of in such times. I perceived him as unambitious, not directed and always yearning for something other. He was also very smart and had a great wit and was very popular. But it appeared that he neglected so many of his responsibilities as father and husband and by doing so doubled my mother's burden. She in turn was violent and angry and apart from petty vengeances was powerless in changing the situation or influencing conditions.

We were poor but he worked hard to support us. My mother was the ambitious one for her family and pushed very hard to get us a house and see us all well-educated. My mother was violent, though, and we feared her far more than my father who would always ask us to just go along with things.

I viewed my father as a scared man and certainly not strong. I remember one time as a teenager when he came home from work a little drunk and very upset, watching him cry as he told me of he saw his friend that day about to fall off a ladder but couldn´t move to run and help him. He had turned to me for understanding and sympathy and instead I met him with a stone look, making it clear that I thought this was typical of him. It is a cruel memory for me.

I am relating these memories, Jerry, because these seem to be the ones connected.

As our family life developed, though, later on both in their way did answer the hero´s call when my two younger brothers became alcoholics and one created a crisis of enormous proportions: my father by stopping drinking as an act of solidarity with his sons and to help set an example, and, my mother by a loyalty and steadfastness through what was very challenging times for her personally.

As they have changed and grown over the years, I have come to admire my father very much for his wisdom and willingness to change and to appreciate my mother for some rare and precious qualities. She strikes me more as someone who stumbles blindly but because of some basic goodness or good heart gets guided to a right place or right action.

In their marriage, which we thought neither they nor us would ever survive, and in their old age, they seemed to have achieved a better balance, not a perfect one, nor perhaps even a great one, but certainly one miles ahead of where they began.

As a last note, I feel I have a much stronger identity with my father, more similarities in terms of personality than with my mother.

In having done this exercise, I find it interesting retrospectively that the one anecdote I tell is of inaction on my father´s part despite great motivation. It´s notable because the absence of outward action is a current struggle of mine and has long been the lament of my family and friends concerning my talents and contributions. And is the overweaning pressure I have felt all my life.

Nobody, including myself, has been able to understand why I have not done something with gifts I´ve been given. I believe a part of the reason has historically been connected with the ego. All the things I could envision seemed impossibly shallow to me. Now I feel though that where and how I choose to act will not be a decision of the ego´s. Which is a very important part of the problem or constraint taken care of.The remainder of the problem is I have no experience with acting. I´m on very wobbly legs here.

Can you work a little more magic here, Jerry?

Age & Gender & Location {Required}: 52 ireland

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Dear Julie,
GUILT for not helping father at his time of crisis and weakness:

First – you confirm my impression that you were THE ONLY ADULT IN THE FAMILY, with consciousness and mature judgement of reality at the time. And then: your expectation that just because you had experienced ADULT NOTIONS, THOUGHTS AND JUDGEMENTS – does not mean that you stopped being JUST A CHILD and that you had the capacity for adult actions. You have not had that – and guilt froze your ability to change these feelings, to update them, to mature emotions experienced at the time. So your state of mind and emotional development became petrified at the age at which you experienced this overwhelming guilt.

In reality this guilt is not really the guilt for not being able to morally support your father when he needed it, because you could not have compromised your moral standing, you had to stand by what you knew or thought is right or wrong, without it your spirit would have broken and you would have become violent like your mother, or weak like your father. But you chose to be you – a fighter and a seeker of solutions.

The other side of this reality is that far more that not being able to forgive your father for his shortcomings – you are tougher on yourself than anyone else and find it impossible to forgive yourself for a smallest PERCEIVED – real or not, imperfection. This will not get you very far – it is like a dog tied up on a short leash, it will pull you back to small limits far beneath your potential and abilities.

I too felt responsible for my family as a child, and the burden hurt me for life, because I had the duties and responsibilities without power or authority, and had to pay the consequences for what others had or had not done, it was always “my fault” whatever went wrong. GUILT, particularly improper, mistaken guilt is one of the hardest stones to crawl from under.

inaction, procrastination, living on clouds and just dreaming, wasting potential and talents and opportunities was a curse of mine - and only now i feel i may be approaching the obstacles i have to remove before opening up the stored energies. may be we could take this journey together?

Gertrude

Age & Gender & Location {Required}: 60 y.o., Australia

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Dear Gertrude,

I find your being drawn to my dream and my becoming engaged in your dream one of the wonderful magical mysteries of the universe. I am also taken aback about how wise and articulate you are in your writing and insights about my dream and how panicked--but nevertheles determined to perservere--you seem about your own dream. For some reason, I feel as though I'm seeing more of the real Gertrude here. And by the way, I became a friend to you because you reached out first in friendship with an offer of help on my dream. I only reciprocated what you initiated. It's an interesting illustration of the belief that what we give out is what we get back.

It's also interesting that you ask about sharing a journey because I had some surprising insights in the past 24 hours that relate to your first reply to my dream about running and trying to protect something that needs to die.

I realized that the harsh middle aged woman in the dream reminded me of my older sister. While there has always been a great deal of love and unusually strong bond between us, our relationship from the time we were children has been most characterized by a tension between us and one that has caused us to keep each other at a safe distance as we grew older.

She has always been envious because as she says she felt I was prettier and smarter and popular and more brave. And ahe got lost and so many times over the years when she wanted to talk about it, I refused because she was always so angry and blaming me for her problems.But in the past 24 hours, I have realized that a part of her anger came from trying to protect me. I was too open, too trusting, too delicate, too vulnerable, too easy to hurt. When I look back on the time we were young, she was always trying to get me to be more realistic, more cautious, more practical. In her life now, she is a very competent manager and I realize now that she represents the shadow of the assets I would love to draw to into me now. The qualities I want to combine to move forward from a world of imagination to a world that combines imagination from one part to action in another part.

As for the journey, I am extremely fortunate to have you and Jerry as guides on the Forum. And now in what Jerry points out as the importance of synchronicity other guides and helpers have started to appear in my life. And by what in other terms might be considered sheer coincidence, there is an opportunity for my older sister and I to spend some time alone on a holiday together--a first for us.

And so if you think we are sharing a journey together, Gertrude, then I am extremely happy for you for what great things lie ahead for you. And thank you again for all your help. You can see for yourself its results.

Julie

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Julie,
It’s getting late so I must be brief – so glad for your words and talk about older sister. I think I “am” this older sister! I have been a harsh, unforgiving, disciplinarian, driving older sister to mine, and of course protective, helpful and so on – but all the good stuff was overshadowed by my overpowering JEALOUSY that my sister was sweet, friendly, likeable, always favoured over me by Mother and all. I became angry and resentful, brooding over the fact that I was the “good” one, responsible, studious, taking care of the house, always doing the right thing – but she, with bad school results, lazy, messy, irresponsible, etc. – never had to pay for her mistakes (I was punished for her shortcomings because Mother put it was my fault I failed to supervise her properly) --- got all the rewards, and I all the punishments.

With that biter, jealous, resentful and angry attitude I was digging myself deeper and deeper into misery and loneliness – and until not so long ago never had a clue how easily I could have controlled the situation and may be even changed it around! But first I wanted them, her more than anything – to ADMIT that I suffered INJUSTICE, that it was wrong to keep such imbalance of positive and negative emotions, all good stuff for her, all bad stuff for me. If I could have somehow managed not to be so “good”, if I dodged my duties, I I had ever done something CONSCIOUSLY wrong, inappropriate, SELFISH, something like she always did – may be I would not have had the huge burden of focusing on what is “FAIR” or “JUST” etc. – but I WAS STUCK on my own sense of righteousness.

Only recently I realised I WAS WRONG. I stuffed my life on resentment and other neg emotions – and nearly forfeited my life. I am in recovery – like a drug addict. I do not think there is any chance for any reconciliation with my family, they went their own negative ways – with consequential damages not undoable. But I hope I can help you here.

If your sister is like me – what she wants is COMPASSION. She wants someone to see and say that it was “WRONG” for you to get all the rewards and the “good stuff” – and for her to be stuck with duties. If you can pause yourself for long enough to see this problem – that THIS STUFF ACTUALLY HAS TO BE SAID – because unless she comes to a precipice and nearly tilts over like me – it may end up too late for both of you to ever get to a position of being able to FORGIVE YOURSELF – and each other.

Such a CONFRONTATION is most difficult to choreograph and run, so I don’t know how much can be expected if you have no way of pacing yourself, being patient, letting silences and pauses to develop, knowing when to have eye contact or when say something softly or strongly. On the other hand – if you will be TOTALLY COMMITTED to reconciliation, and will let ABSOLUTELY NO DOUBT that this is it, and you will not let this opportunity pass without some progress – that is, a bit of sobbing in each other’s arms, you may succeed just on sheer stubborn determination.

I hope you do. Good luck!

Gertrude

Age & Gender & Location {Required}: 60 y.o., Australia

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Julie,
Books disappearing

Consistent with the image I see in you dream (as I see it), that this is the message telling you from inside that you are ready to take back the power you gave away to others, and that now is the right time – the many books you are reading avidly are disappearing from the “waiting pile” as you continue reading them, and then place them somewhere else when you are “done” with each one. Each of the books gives you some knowledge, some new important skill or information, so you are becoming wiser and stronger, less vulnerable.

The ruthless emotionless assassin (in my view) is your SHADOW – all that in your life that you feel negative emotions about, shame, guilt, fear, inadequacy, victimhood, whatever “wrongs” you think you have committed. It is not a person – it is a “thing” – a compound of your “dark side”. Somehow you might feel the time is coming near when you will just have to “pay your dues”, but what is more likely is that you are soooo ready to move onto the next stage of your life, to be who you really are, to start fulfilling your true potential – that this “dark stuff” just has to be dealt with, be done and over with so you can be free.

My thought is that you were hiding, HIDING and running away all your life – and now you are just tired of it, see its futility, and you want to end the fear and confusion. So far, you were HIDING your fear of your own dark side and also the fear of your own power and clearview insights – BY READING BOOKS and using the books to occupy your mind, so there would be no time for real life thinking.

But the dream says – THIS WILL NO LONGER DO. No more running, no more hiding, you are strong enough now to deal will all that is coming your way, for better or for worse. So the books gave you their value, and now are disappearing to expose you to the view of the assassin, because you ARE READY FACE DANGER, DRKNESS SHADOW - because your soul knows you have he strength to do it – and win. And of course – the danger disappears simply because you decided TO FACE IT!!!!

About the clown I have to think – never had to deal with one before.

Gertrude

Age & Gender & Location {Required}: 60 y.o., Australia

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