Dream fragment

I forgot the beginning of the dream, then this:

F. is cheating on me with my friend C. I know this and I am upset. Then SK comes to me and tells me he cheated on me or betrayed me (don't recall which word) on Tuesday night. Then the dream continues but I forget. I only remembered the part of SK, and then the previous part because it seemed they had a theme.

F. is an ex, ex boyfriend from very long ago. He never even met my friend C., and its impossible for him to have cheated on me ever, because, we had, a very open relationship, without a committment, so there were absolutely no expectations.

Thanks!!
May

Age & Gender & Location {Required}: 38

Have You Posted Before? Date of Last Post {Use Search and Your Post Name to Help Find Last Post} Female

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May the dream be showing that despite the fact that you do/or have engaged in "open" relationships, a deeper truth is that the possibility of your significant other not being true to you does affect you internally/emotionally?

Like, telling yourself that it is/was an open relationship with no committements is a sort of false security against being hurt by a significant other ... when the truth is that such would/does hurt you?

Perhaps you do desire a true committment, with the right person.

Again, your dream maker seems to be showing there are doubts about SK (and yourself) worth your consideration.

Kristi

Age & Gender & Location {Required}: 43, Kansas

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Hi Kristi,

Thank you for your interpretation. I appreciate the time and effort that you put into interpreting my dreams, as well as your kind concern for my wellbeing.

I'm not sure I understood your reply though, as I was a bit confused after I read it. As I wrote with F., he was not my boyfriend. I was not in love with him. It was in college and a long time ago, and we were friends only but we had casual sex. I knew that and he knew that, and we were both free to see other people, I certainly did, so in no way shape or form could F ever have cheated on me or betrayed me because it was not that type of relationship, therefore, I am not sure your analysis of my relationship with F. as being a committed relationship can apply. He was certainly not a significant other. He was a friend who had broken up with his long time girlfriend and I was travelling when I met him. We absolutely set the limits of our interactions very clearly and there was no confusion or desire on either of our parts to be anything else. However, I will concede this, I did not like that type of relationship and would never voluntarily engage in it again. This is why I broke it off with the person I refered to as S, who wanted the same type of relationship which I found hurtful to my psyche, and this is why I went out with SK, who was introduced to me by S. SK has always offered me a committment and this means something significant to me. For me a committment is something I value, and this puts SK in a totally different category from S. and F. So the dream maker is pointing to a contrast here which shows a transitional change in my animus. Also the thing with F. was at least 12 years ago. My animus has changed in 12 years. The dream is showing that there is a marked contrast from the situation with F and SK. One was casual, the other committed, one with a betrayal (which could not have happened in real life), and other with a confession... And, C., the other person in the dream, did not know F. The dream is bring together the most unlikely elements in a symbolic frame, so therefore, any literal interpretation, in my humble opinion, and in this case, is wrong. F. and C. literaly could not have betrayed me. This forces me to therefore interprete the dream symbolically, as in some casual element in side me, represented by F., is uniting with an unlikely element, C., who in my opinion in real life, is a wise friend but has a different approach from me. She recently became happily married. To me, that part of the dream speaks of my personal fears of committment, saying to me, 'you see, Miss May, its impossible that F., and C., betrayed you, its absurd, yet you fear that, and that is keeping you from trusting SK.' F. represents my animus who wants to be free, have fun and not get hurt in a relationship, and C. represents the inner bride, as my friend C. in real life is. Further, since I know in real life that this dream betrayal never happened and never could have happened, the dream is showing me my fears, and also calling me to unite my 'fun side' (F.) with my 'inner bride' (C.) and to my dream ego this feels like a betrayal. F. also represents an aspect of my own animus that is betraying me. My dream ego would like to permanently shield me from hurt. And so, when the dream brings me an image of SK 'telling' me he betrayed me, it is also bringing together two opposites. This is the psyches route to wholeness, the acceptance of our inner opposites and the inner marriage of formerly rejected aspects of ourselves. Again, a person who is unfaithful would by default be dishonest, so telling me he cheated, in the dream image is sending an opposite message. The dream is showing me that he is, on one level, honest and open, and an other level, that I am afraid of getting hurt. The dream SK represents an aspect of my animus which used to be F., who used to betray me, but who has come clean, and has 'confessed'. SK in the dream represents first and foremost my own animus who is being projected on SK. My animus thus, according to this dream, has undergone an inner transformation, going from someone who used to betray and cheat on me, to someone who has repented, who has come to me and confessed and wants to start a clean page. I, am on a path where I am allowing deeper unconscious elements of my psyche to be united to bring me to wholeness and to have integrity. Indeed, integrity, and truthtelling are the opposite of betray and cheating, and integrity, is what is wholeness in the psyche, the integration of the different parts of myself. My inner SK needs transformation and has made significant improvements. I am learning to be more faithful to myself, to live with integrity, to stop projecting, to live from my center, my higher true self, to honor all the different parts of me without projecting and the decisions I've made over these weeks with SK reflects that change in me, and in the outer world, things with SK have also become better.


Interestingly, for the last two weeks, in regards to SK, I've taken a major personal decision. I've decided that I will remain his fiance and not end the relationship, but on my terms. I found that showing him what I want and need, by my actions, is more effective than telling him. I think that this is connected to the dream symbols. The SK in the dream is indeed honest by his actions, yet telling me he isn't. This is also the exact opposite of my past concerns with him in which I thought he was telling me he loved me but was acting like he didn't. The dream is addressing those fears, and if I am to be consistent, as in inner life, so in outer life...I must look to the actions and not only the words. The dream is quite clear in fact, his actions are honest, and trustworthy.

In terms of real life cheating, I seriously doubt that is the case. He has no reason to cheat and I've told him on countless occasions that we don't have to be exclusive, he is the one who insisted and I trust him. This dream is addressing unconscious fears, and with all dreams, the first meaning is first about the inner life of the dreamer and about the dreamer, and then secondly about the outside. If I am betraying myself first, then I have to face that. Fears of cheating can be connected to feelings of jealousy and insecurity. When an individual feels unworthy of a partner's love (wrongly so), and doesn't face their own vulnerability, and becomes jealous of perceived threats (what is the fear of being cheating on if not the fear of imaginary competitors who are more worthy??), then that insecurity becomes projected on to the partner, who most likely is blameless.

In order to not betray myself, I have to be honest with myself now and say that I do love this man, and it is very frightening to love, because love, like life has built in, inherent risks. I can build a wall around my heart, or I can let my heart shrink and die. But what kind of life would that be? Am I such a coward, or am I so horrible a human being that I am not worthy of being loved and valued and given honesty from my partner? No, of course not. I highly doubt that. The shadow looms large in the deep dark recesses of the soul. But when the dream maker casts the lights upon our fears, showing us that they are either absurd, or that we are stronger than they are, and have what it takes inside us to face them, to walk the path of love and life, then we must in the end, trust. Trust first life and love to triumph over death and fear, trust then our higher self to navigate the path from darkness to light, and trust our loved one to be worthy to recieve the gift that is: our true self. Yes?

At any rate, I've spoken of my inner life. My outer life: For the last few weeks I've been cool, calm and detached, and have watched SKs behavior, and he seems on a different wavelength than before. He has begun inviting me to his place of worship, several times, for special events, and there was a girl who tried to flirt with him before, yesterday he completely and totally ignored her and was focused only on me, and his male friend who was with us. I enjoy the time I spend with him, and I feel happy with him, and I feel a love and vulnerability that scares me and sometimes he acts immature annoying insecure, and I've told him that he is doing it to push me away or to protect himself. If he keeps that up and doesn't face his own insecurities he will lose me because though I am patient, and though I am willing to get to know him, at some point, if he really is hurting me, that would override any fears of getting hurt. By that I mean, I would just get sick of it, if it was a bad relationship. I'm too positive and too into myself to tolerate crap for too long. And as I see it now, we are in the beginning stages and testing the waters. I think the emotional payoff for him being mean was to see if I really loved him and would stick around. Ok, I did stick around but I distanced myself when he was inconsiderate and he got the message, by my actions, not words, that that won't work with me and at some point his defenses have to go down too. I'm ok with waiting a little while, but if after time he stays like that, I can just walk away. He has also told me some things about his upbringing that made me feel a lot of compassion for him and he is not really feeling the same compassion for himself. I think he just tries to act tough so he can feel manly, and I think thats how he's learned to deal with pain.

Some people take time to trust, but when they do trust their partner, that is when they drop their defenses. I feel with SK, that he is genuine but that he has issues and I can be calm and cool and just let him come to me. I used to break up with him alot or have dramatic complaining sessions to him, neither of which addressed my fears or his. Now I just do my thing and he knows where to find me and he got the message (from my actions) that if he isn't nice or doesn't come to me that I'll pull away. This means if he comes to me of his own will, and drops his defensiveness and defensive wall and trusts me, then I'll know I have a keeper for life. I can't make him do that. The dream is telling me that he can come to me and talk to me, when he is ready.

And as long as he is insecure and hiding his vulnerability from me, he is betraying me, because any decision made from fear rather than love is a betrayal of both of our true selves....but no conversation is going to make a man walk a tightrope over an abyss to get to the other side......

The light inside him can help him do that though...

All I can do now is be calm and cool and face MYSELF and stop projecting my animus issues onto SK. I am in the process of integrating all the aspects of my self, to stop being unfaithful to myself, to honor all of me, and the best part of me is my ability to love, fearlessly, and so I do that, but I do it with wisdom, and the proper and healthy reserve. The idea of control in one's love life is a complete illusion anyway. Every single human being, if they are to love, would have to remove some defense, and be vulnerable, and this means that all of us are open to being hurt in love. Our own character and our own inner strengths are what we have to rely on, not what the other person in outer reality does or says...because in the final analysis, we only have power over ourselves...we can't make people love us or be nice...but as within so without..as I honor myself and am faithful to myself, so I will attract the same from my partner. A partner's integrity can only match our own...as like attracts like...as within so without....and as I progress in my journey towards integration, wholeness, integrity, faithfulness and self-love, I will only attract what is the same...all other things will naturally fall away.....and this is the ultimate reality. Every thing else is fear and illusion and shadow. And I hope always to walk in the light...

Cheers!
May

Age & Gender & Location {Required}: 38

Have You Posted Before? Date of Last Post {Use Search and Your Post Name to Help Find Last Post} Female

How Did You Find the Dream Forum? Yes

Hi May,

Sounds like you are in fact doing a lot of healthy looking at things. Good for you!

You said: I'm not sure I understood your reply though

And then: However, I will concede this, I did not like that type of relationship.

This is what I was seeing in the short dream message you shared.

And I then said, Perhaps you do desire a true committment, with the right person."

Again, your dream maker seems to be showing there are doubts about SK (and yourself) worth your consideration.

And from all that you shared, it does seem you are truly on the path of working things out within yourself.

Best Wishes,
Kristi

Age & Gender & Location {Required}: 43, Kansas

Have You Posted Before? Date of Last Post {Use Search and Your Post Name to Help Find Last Post} Female

How Did You Find the Dream Forum? Yes

Dear Kristi,

Thank you for this!!

Cheers,
Mary

Age & Gender & Location {Required}: 38

Have You Posted Before? Date of Last Post {Use Search and Your Post Name to Help Find Last Post} Female

Dear Kristi,

I now understand the meaning of this dream!!! :)

I just had a conversation with a friend who was in a similar situation with her boyfriend. Things were going rocky and then she lost a whole lot of weight and started acting cool, and he treated her like gold and their relationship is awesome. In the months since I've known SK, he's watched me loss at least 11 kilos of weight, publish tons of papers and become more and more cool and together in time. I believe now that his proposal was 100 percent genuine and that he loved me, but that over the last month, because of my unjustified fears and doubts, that I've sabotaged things and pushed him away.

I'm going to trust him completely now and stop letting all these stupid fears and doubts sabotage the best thing that's ever happened to me. I'm sure if I stop acting afraid and questioning him like I have been all month, he'll bring up marriage again. I pushed him away so hard that I made him afraid of it from how mean I was to him and suspicious and doubting.

Cheers,
May

Age & Gender & Location {Required}: 38

Have You Posted Before? Date of Last Post {Use Search and Your Post Name to Help Find Last Post} Female