Hi Jerry,

I've written this in a hurry, and not sure I have answered all of your questions. I will come back to look at it again, later.

No, my aunt and uncle (Mary and Chuck) were not very close to my family in early life. For the first ten years of my life, our visits together were rather infrequent, perhaps only few to (maybe) several times a year (some years) that I would see them, either in my home, my grandparents home, and once in a while spending a weekend in their home, with their daughters. I just always looked on them as "good" parents, better than my own at providing for their children. As I write, I am impressed with seeing that I "read" in them what their evaluations were of my own parents/family, how they wished it was better for me (and my siblings) - though this was never spoken aloud. It was their actions, the energy of their actions, the affect with which I felt regarded and addressed by them. So, again, it was an intuitive reading on my part, while there was also very objective evidence of the good standards by which they raised their own children.

You asked, do you think they qualify as true inner parents? They have featured in many of my dreams, that have shown how it was that I was attracted to them as parents better than my own. My sense is that they are becoming that to me, "now." Meaning, I am now "realizing" the very positive impact they had on my young and developing life. And I believe that is still there, the numinosity I assigned to them, for lack of a better way to say it. Like, we build a little inner "store" of characters through the valuations we assign them as children...and, indeed, through what they give to us. I believe those positives do not leave us, they are part of what makes us who we are. They do become part of us. Through the projection, we assimilate these qualities of the other. We sometimes (often) have a way of focusing only on the negatives of our life experiences, and lesser on the positive influences. But I believe those balancing aspects are there, we only have to search for them. There are so many others who were also as parents to me, and truly, there continues to be others. I believe there are many who help us to grow and develop in the parental sense, that it is not always "mom" and "dad." It is said, isn't it, that "it takes a village to raise a child." As we look at the whole village of our life, we can begin to see all the influences that have made us who and what we are. But back again to your original question. I think the dream/psyche is using Mary and Chuck because as a child, they were the better or positive model of parenting to me, that the child I was desired to have.

I am having the experience currently, where my inner world is coming alive to me in a much richer way. I mean, "What a wondrous kaleidescope of the experience of life any one of us truly is!" I feel like there is gold to be found everywhere.

No, my extended family was not very involved in my life. Again, visits were rather infrequent and almost null in the second half of my early life. Simply because Aunt Delores was my "Godmother" she carried a certain numinosity for me a child. "Godmother!" Just that term gave her a sort of radiant life in my eyes. She was a someone special to me, onto whom I projected very positive, "Godly" qualities. To me, she was like a wishing well of possibility and wonder...someone, somehow close to "God." So, again, I built up a little store of possibility in my ruminations of Aunt Delores. Any moment I encountered her was as if filled with some special grace she would shower on me. I savored every moment of being around her, held onto and wondered over every word she said to me, assigned important meaning to our exchanges. It was as an adolescent and young teen that she began noticing and calling attention to my intuitive aspects. Things as simple as walking in the door of my home after having been out for a contemplative walk and she would say, "Kristi, you have been meditating." Indeed, I had been, and making discoveries, but these things were never noticed by my own parents or family members. That she could see the depth of my inquiries into life was very important for me. She validated that in me. These little things, though few, are huge in a child's life, imo.

At 10 years old, Mark used to beat me (there is other, but this is not the place for sharing that). He was the eldest charged with the care of the children until my parents returned from work in the evening. So, in a sense, Mark was a parent figure to me, too. In a manner of speaking, he beat his angry child into me. I took in, absorbed his own bitterness. I had enough of my own bitterness, some of which has been directed at him, because of this and other events. I don't need to carry his anymore, or be confused between Mark and me. So, more of that sorting/separating going on here. I will not parent myself in that way any longer. That Mark and my ties to him do need to be severed, are being severed. Blame gets us nowhere. It keeps one in a juvenile state and ultimately, it is about power and control. It’s a lack of personal responsibility. One has to "stop" it within themselves if they are to grow. That dream of the train tracks was huge, it was about drawing a line, cutting these cords. I will not ride that track anymore. I can choose and I do have the ability to move on. I will cross that track and that train will pass behind me, severing these negative cords to the past.

Kristi

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Hi Jerry,

I want to mention that the way I experience Mary and Chuck in the dream is not in a way that sees/feels separate from them. What I understand of this is hard for me to put into words.
For me, it is much lesser like watching a movie and much more like "experiencing"/feeling these changes taking place in the dream. Mary and Chuck do not even look or feel like the actual Mary and Chuck of my early life. How can I make better sense of that to you and other readers? I am not seeing them with the eyes (or emotional body) of the child I was. Nor do I feel an emotional attachment to them. They and their responses to me are very objective. It is more like they are a real part of me/my psyche. I have a degree of awareness in the dream that they are part of me, responding/bringing what is needed for resolution. The word, "resolution," leads to a question I left unanswered in my earlier response. Why is the age of the little boy indicated at the end of the dream verses the beginning of the dream? My opinion in this case is because he is part of the answer/resolution and not the conflict. This boy does not have any issues. Even the language of my dream tells it, he is "new." Born from a different mother, from me. Hence, I wash myself of the face of the old mother.

And thank you, Jerry, for what you said regarding my inner work. I've much (and many others) to be grateful for, including this here site of yours, which was real food for me early in my journey.

Kristi

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Another something my analyst helped to amplify for me was the image of the rucksack on the front of my "new" vehicle.

I have talked here before, Jerry, of the need to incorporate my military skills in a positive way. This is needed, and beginning to happen for me.

While I don't miss carrying those buggers :) - my Army rucksack is something that contained all needed personal equipment and survival gear: tools, food, clothing, first aid kit, shelter material, rope, etc. So, having it on the front of my vehilce is sort of emblematic, saying I have what I need, it's all here with/within me. It's also a sort of statement to others that I'm not looking for what I need "in you" of "from you," as in taking from another. A sort of token of honesty, statement of how I am to (and will) approach my interaction in life.

It really "fits" with where I am at.

Kristi

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Kristi,
I had forgotten your military service. We can not overlook those experiences in your earlier life and how they play into the scheme of things. How you think that applies to masculine development? Was it a tool to project your shadow, becoming that masculine self through military service?

Jerry

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Yes, Jerry, it was, in many ways, both the negative AND THE POSITIVE, as is the case for all of us in life, projecting both our negative and positive aspects through whatever avenues are before us...

Kristi

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