Lon,
'Am I secure in my identity/sexual-identity? no, to both. If I were to sum myself up, I’d say I was a shape-shifter. I spend a lot of time reflecting on my past and my personality. With people I know (including my family) I go through helping them make sense of their own. Over the last couple of years, I’ve become encouraging with others in sharing or at least talking about what they consider ‘a thing you don’t talk about’. This is because I don’t feel like I know who I am (I’m sure this is the case for people in general) but I feel others have some sort of base to go back to. I constantly feel like I’m in a state of change - personality, mood, interests etc'.

With this statement your sexual identity would likely be a part of the dream. We can address that in more detail at a later time.
Your statement about 'helping others make sense of their lives' yet being unsure of who you are may indicate personality aspects of being too much of a person 'who must give of themself' yet is due to life circumstances can not give enough to yourself. They have a 'base' to go back to but you feel you do not. We are back to childhood experiences/influences. The constant state of feeling you are in a state of change would be due to your feeling you have no 'base', solid foundations to build a firm identity on. This could add to your uncertainty about your sexual identity, or it could be a product of it, Coming to terms with that sexual identity may solve a lot of problems in your life. Being something you are not would be a cause for not believing you have a 'base' for being your true self.

Can you elaborate on sexual identity aspects? Enough so you are comfortable discussing it in the open. Do you have yearnings relate to actual 'transsexual' aspects? Is this your true identity or just a reference to other possibilities?

Jerry

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I have imagined being a woman before and felt alright with that and I've often thought (for years, even as a kid) if I suddenly wanted to be a female tomorrow, I wouldn't have a problem.

Whenever I have sexual fantasies, they always lead into the woman dominating me somehow. The majority of the time, the woman ends up with a penis OR the parts are not clear - sort of a blur of both/all things.
I've used masturbation as a way to escape (what else would it be used for?) and it happens more when I'm bored, lonely or stressed out. I use it as my drug, pretty much. I don't take drugs, drink or smoke - I've used that. I feel like crap afterwards (like a hangover) and so I don't do it very much at all anymore.

Whenever I've looked at porn (usually out of boredom), I always end up at transsexual themed stuff. They seem more 'feminine' is why. Women in regular porn act very masculine (I think) and I find this threatening or just plain unrealistic (it's funny that I choose that word). I do find it alluring that the transsexuals were once men, I think because they would know me a little, at least.
However, I don't find that comforting and if I do look at porn, I'm always looking for a woman that is feminine - that is the goal.

I rarely get close to what I'm looking for but when I do, it never lasts and I quickly see the illusion (this seeing the illusion thing is why I can't enjoy alcohol or drugs).

In the Tarot deck I use, the devil is pretty much a transsexual or hermaphrodite (in disguise, anyway). I grabbed this deck specifically because of this.
Androgeny fascinates me, it feels like we're all meant to become this. At least, we start like that as a children.

I'm not sure what other information I can give. If you want to know something specific, just ask.

Thanks again, for the time you're putting into this.

Oh and with astrology, tarot (anything else) I've learned the hard way, thinking they were absolute truths. I see them as concepts now and barely use them like I used to - the concepts are constantly present in my mind though.

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Lon,
I believe we have identified the primary focus of the dream. Transsexual. The 'dominating' aspects the inner feminine needs to be let out. The woman is you, with a penis. But there is guilt associated with these feelings, social acceptance being the primary source of such feelings. The 'alluring feeling' that the transsexuals were once men, I think because they would know me a little, this is the inner dialog about the need to be your true self {I'm always looking for a woman that is feminine - that is the goal}.

'I rarely get close to what I'm looking for but when I do, it never lasts and I quickly see the illusion'. The fear of being 'out', this is what you see as an illusion. But as long as you can not be your true self, that is the illusion. Androgyny fascinates you because this is teh world you have created where you can abide by social acceptance and yet 'dissolve' into your fantasy world where you can be your true self. As long as you live in such a world you will have such dreams. A life that is not the true life holds dangerous consequences. Resolving these issues will let you be your true self, live a better life. But these are issues that need professional counseling. I suggest you find a psychologist to help you resolve these inner conflicts.

If I can offer a suggestion that may help you work through the issues yourself. Some Unitarian/Universalist churches as well as Unity churches have social meetings for transsexuals/cross dressers. I attended a Unity church in Nashville where males who possessed a feminine identity had regular meetings so they could' experience/express' their true self. These churches are less interested in saving souls than they are letting the individual express their 'soulful' identity. You may want to look into these possibilities. Being with like minded people would be a great step and you will learn more on how to approach 'being your true self'.

Note: One telling photo about the Melbourne Australia church is here

Jerry

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I've thought over this stuff but I feel like a lot of things don't fit. I don't want to be a woman or anything in-between. What I do struggle with is expression. Although it's true that I struggle with expressing my feminine side, I'm pretty certain I don't want to dress as a woman (as a permanent solution to represent myself).
What I have done as I grew up is mute or blunt my appearance in order to take attention away from myself, which I think is taking an extreme approach. I'm slowly finding a balance between masculine and feminine.

Thank you for all of the time you've put into this. I've been able to see things I wouldn't have considered and it's just helpful in general.

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Lon,
You response from August 18.
"I have imagined being a woman before and felt alright with that and I've often thought (for years, even as a kid) if I suddenly wanted to be a female tomorrow, I wouldn't have a problem".

Your latest response.
"I don't want to be a woman or anything in-between".

There seems to be confusion as to what you really want. Could it be you really don't know? All the more reason to seek counseling. Those inner yearnings directed at your feminine side need to worked out so the outer self can be its true self. As long as you remain in this state of confusion you will never be able to live a life that balances the inner and the outer. Good luck in your search.

Jerry

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You're right it is something I should talk in-depth with a psychologist about.
What I should have put in that earlier reply is 'on a whim' in regards to thinking I could be a woman. In all honesty, I think that about a lot of things everyday.
I definitely have an identity issue. I find I lose my anchor pretty easily and my mood affects what I want to do each day with my life or with myself.

When I make up my mind to do something, I usually lose 'the feel' within a few days (after exhausting everything) and end up hating it, only to pick it up later at a future time. I seem to go through everything in cycles like that.

One thing I'll say about appearing as a woman is I wouldn't want to do that for the reason that I'd be boxed in and I hate that feeling. I can't stand having someone think I'm one thing. It's funny though because I keep my clothes simple or exactly the same and I'd say a lot of people think I do the same thing all the time, day in and day out. Either that or that I'm all over the place.

Best if I do see someone but the only psychologists that are the sort that work with cognitive behavioural therapy. There is one Jungian psych nearby but he is all booked up and I don't think I can afford them anyway (I don't work).

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Lon,
Yes, psychological counseling is the right thing to do. Until you sort through all of these emotions you may never be able to live a life where you can be your true self. Consulting with like minded people would be a good step also. Investigate the church organizations I mentioned, if available. There may be sources/resources in those that may be beneficial. You have your whole life in front of you and not being able to be who you really are, that would be a waste. You can do something about it.

Jerry

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