Dream Analysis/Interpretation by Dream Analyst
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Re: "Fight for yourself"


Hi Jerry,

I'm sorry this response is so very, very late. I E-mailed you once and since then a lot of tunings have gotten in my way ( from returning your E-mailing.) as they always do.

Note: I am TERRIBLE at organizing my thoughts.So I'll try to answer point-by-point.

Childhood- Not exactly 'normal'. I was born with a very rare disease. As such I spent more time at a research institute and hospitals than at home.

I didn't relate with the other children. I was born defiant. They were, in my opinion, weak. They would use the same rhetoric so many of the 'sick' often do.
" Why did God give me this disease"? "Why do I have to die young"?
I knew the answer. " God gave it to me as a cosmic fail-safe. Because he knew what I was capable of." I held no ill-will or evil thoughts. I was determined and ambitious.

I should mention one more thing- my first coherent thought was "I do not belong in this world" and that is a constant factor in my dreams. As in this one, I am always an outsider.
I remember following my father to the garage in a diaper and T-shirt. I'd look at the stars and think "there has to be more than this"
Of coarse, I was very alone. And it made me feel.. not human. The way I was treated, less than. But the things that I survived, more than.
This has, of coarse not been resolved.

Number 9-

I have always had dreams of things I could not grasp in the real world.

Dreams of defeating God, dreams of lotus flowers(long before I knew what they were) dreams of time travel/paradox that make more sense than most TV shows. And always, of the number nine.

I have always suspected that I had some hidden potential but it truly feels as if the world itself is constantly getting in the way of my achieving it.

As for the '18' I actually died once, when I was eighteen.

Japanese mythology- Of all the religions of the world Buddhism just resonates with me ( I know, it does not fit with my defiant nature) I've studied a fair amount of Japanese language, art and mythology.
I once thought that studying at the Japanese temple near by would help me on my search to reach but potential but the Priest there was very chauvinistic and did not seem interested.
I guess this answers a lot of the questions about the 'spiritual search'. No, problems of the past cannot be resolved and I think, they are the rso many problems to this day. I can only move on, but again, something always seems to get in my way. In the past I'd just crush anything in my way but it gets harder every time.

I think there is a lot more information about my past that is important but I can't use the link to your E-mail. I need a Microsoft account. Can you E-mail at the address I posted?

I hope this is not too much. I've seen a lot of Psychologists and they have not been able to help me. I hope that you can and I greatly appreciate any attempt.

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Re: "Fight for yourself"

Hera,
Better late than never. Give me a day or so and let me take a good look at your response and compare it to your dream and see what plays out. As well with my original interpretation. The information about your childhood does seem to bear out my original thoughts about anytime a dream begins with childhood the dream is dealing with issues from that period of time. Those developing years are pretty much imprinted in our psyche and become motivators to who and what we become later in life.

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Re: "Fight for yourself"

Thank you for the quick response. Should I bother to respond to the second dream interpretation, or do you think we can cover most h this one?

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Re: "Fight for yourself"

Hera,
It may be helpful to respond to the second dream. The more I know about you {your responses provide vital info about your inner as well as outer life} the better I am able to understand how the dream {in its symbolic language} fits with your emotional life. Since I have retired i am wanting to get more involved with the dreamer and the series of dreams. At this Dream Forum all i have to go on is the dreamer's age and gender {which are most important}. The more information i have about the dreamer the more likely i will be able to understand the dream language in context of the dreamer's waking life. One dream says very little. A series of dreams can tell a whole story. And the story being told is about the dreamer's emotional life.

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Re: "Fight for yourself"

Hera,
I haven't forgotten your dreams. I have been working on another project all morning, one that suddenly came about and needed my attention. i will begin a deeper investigation of your two dreams with the added info you have provided and see what i can come up with.They have my full attention and i am now working on them.

Jerry

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Re: "Fight for yourself"

Hera,
I think we cam assume that the demons in your dreams, the skeletons, and monster are addressing those inner aspects related to your rare disease and the childhood emotions of being different. As you stated those issues are unresolved. Because I do not have any information about the disease or more info about the childhood experiences it is difficult for me to speak directly to what needs to be done to remedy those issues. The rare disease could be responsible for some of the issues, affecting the physiology of the brain but again without knowing more about it i can't say that is true. the childhood experiences definitely have a bearing on how you feel today, those earliest years being the primary determiners of who you have become as an adult. That hold true for all of us. Not being able to relate to other people because of your life of experimentation is understandable. You did not live anything like a normal life as a child. Not being able to relate to people partially has its roots in not having been with people in a normal way.

It is the spiritual life, the inner life i believe may hold some answers. Especially with your life of experimentation {even though it was one you} and the psyche energies you possess so early in life. Because you have not been able to relate to the outer world {for reasons i have mentioned} you have turned inward. And it may be true you were born with these qualities, knowing that nature has mechanisms that prove balance to ever life. Your psyche was aware of your disease when you were in the womb and thus these mechanisms took hold when you were born. As an adult you turned to Buddhism as a spiritual guide {the chauvinistic Japanese priest you encountered sounds as if Shinto may have been involved}. Buddhism is more a psychology than it is a religion and anyone with a 'natural' connection to life will soon wonder upon Buddhism {and often Native American spirituality}. You have a greater conscious knowledge due to working with 'scientists' and an unconscious knowledge due to the natural mechanisms. This is who you are. Personality wise there are probably a lot of conflicts. Psyche wise there is a realization of a greater potential and that is where you need to look to find peace, balance and harmony {which is true with all human lives}. Dreams of God are dreams of ones greater Self.

The number 9 and 18
Besides your spiritual connections to 'Japanese Buddhism' coming through in your dream the number 18 was something i felt important in your life {18th century England}. The fact you had a near death experience at the age of 18 fits here. England could be related to ancient 'natural' knowledge you possess as well as addressing the early roots from childhood influences /experiences {England being the home of early immigrants to America}. It would interesting and useful to know any associations you had in that near death experience.

In my philosophy of the greater life the number 9 is the number that relates to the natural state of all life. Here are a few examples from my page Secrets of the Number Nine {and variations of the number 9-multiples, etc}.


  • Human mean normal respiration rate is 18 times per minute

  • Human mean normal heartbeat is 72 times a minute

  • Average number of heartbeats per hour is 4,320

  • Average number of respirations per hour is 1,080

  • Average number of respirations per 24 hour period is 25,920

  • 25,920 is also the length of a sidereal year

  • There are 360 degrees in a circle

  • Nine month gestation period in human birth process

  • In Einstein's formula we see E=M(C^2). That's Mass (M) multiplied by the Speed Of Light squared (C^2). Is it just coincidence that if we replace the M and C with their reduced numerological equivalents, respectively 4 (M) and 3 (C), and perform the mathematical function we get 36, which also reduces to 9? Or, here's something interesting: If we alter that equation to read E=(MC)^, we get E=144, which reduces to 9 and is the traditional Gematrian equivalent for "light". Synchronistically, the english alphanumerological value of the phrase SPEED OF LIGHT is 126 which also reduces to 9. And, further, the alphanumeric value of ONE TWO SIX = 144!

Here is another page that shows the influence and importance of the number nine THE NUMBER NINE – The Cosmic Servant ànd Master of Heaven and Earth.

The number 9 is the number of the universe. In Greek mythology it represents the Goddess which translate in Jungian psyche to the feminine power {Psyche}. If you have dreams or constant associations with the number nine you are a different plane of consciousness. Understanding those associations is key to unlocking their secrets.

This gets to what it may be to unlock your potential. I get a sense that is where the hangup might be. You have yet to discover your purpose in life. As Joseph Campbell said, "People say that what we're all seeking is a meaning for life. I think that what we're seeking is an experience of being alive, so that our life experiences on the purely physical plane will have resonances within our own innermost being and reality, so that we actually feel the rapture of being alive. That's what it's all finally about, and that's what these clues help us to find within ourselves.".

Rapture comes from that one thing in life that provides your greatest inspiration. It is your bliss. Often it is found with the Muse, art, poetry, music. For me it is web design {art in the form of deigning websites} and my dream work. I went from being a couch potato/sports freak to building websites and interpreting dreams. It happened over night {actually in one 60 minute episode of The Power of Myth. Soon I discovered things I never knew but were there all along. The greatest of the discoveries were within me, those that had to do with outer life experiences {of childhood} that made who i was as an adult {and unconsciously caused me to do things i never realized until i went 'inward'}. But also the true self, spiritual and creative. That has given meaning to my life and now i am spending my living living who i truly was meant to be. Following my bliss.

What is it that you love doing most? Find that and emerge yourself in it and i believe you will find those answers to all your questions. I give this advice to a lot of people but for someone like yourself who was born with an inherent knowledge of the inner truths, not to live your true self is surely a hell. What is your bliss? Handicaps aside you can achieve that no matter the difficult circumstances you live with. does this resonate?

I'll e-mail you another e-mail address if you wish to talk privately.

Jerry The God Within You A Prayer For You



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Re: "Fight for yourself"


Don't worry about replying 'late'. This took me two days and that was just to find the words. Besides, 1pm in FL is only 10 am here.

The idea that I was somehow aware of my condition before I was born is a very interesting one that I had never considered but makes a lot of sense. But I wonder why (since I was so different from the other children) there isn't anyway to have had a connection to the number nine before I was born, right?

Around what age do experiences start to become less important in defining who we are? Aside from the feeling of not belonging, I was a fairly happy toddler.
It wasn't until I had to deal with the outside world that I started to have problems.
Throughout my life I've found that the illness itself was the least of my problems. It was the the way iin which the disease affected every other aspect of life.
For most with Cystanosis ( you can look it up for a basic idea but every case varies.. Especially mine. ) it's the opposite. They are much sicker and many didn't make it this far, but they do better in every other aspect of life.
The other kids dealt with being sick by becoming close friends. I focused on getting stronger but I was always by myself. Maybe it's just the result of the priorities I chose. But I'm thirty years old now. So why do I still have such a hard time?
(Those problems are what I'd like to discuss through E-mail so, yes, please send it to me)

You said that 'God' represents the Greater self. In these dreams I'm constantly fighting with 'God'. It's only out of obligation and I am tired of doing so. Many times the 'dream people' love and admire me as some knd of savior but amidst all the admiration I can only sigh and think " I want to stop this"
I hope you don't mind if I summarize a dream that I believe is very relevant and yet a jumbled mass of contradiction.


I was not the warrior in this dream. That person was a fictional character that I very much relate to.
He was alone in a city much like those in a British Punk setting and was wanted for treason. I took it upon myself to find and escort him somewhere safe-where I existed. In the end the constant running and rain wore on him and he decided to give up and turn himself in. Then for the twist at the end- I was a Valkyrie.

Even the setting is contradictory. Was I the city? The warrior, the Valkyrie, or all three?
And the end was just tangled mess. We all know what Valkyries do. Yet I was sincerely trying to help him ( I think I did not realize what I was when I went to help him.) On the other hand it have also been considered 'saving him' to just bring him to Valhalla with me?

All of those facts about the number are amazing. I'm not one to believe in any sort of..God but I am not so ignorant to dismiss something like that, and as little potential as I've reached right now, I can't ignore it in my own mind. I will certainly look to those number in the future.
As far as 'association' to my near-death experience, do you mean to the number nine? if not, please elaborate)

As for association to 'nine'let me think....
Now that I think about it ( and this may ruin everything but...) I was actually nineteen, only by nine or ten days but I imagine the math has to be exact. The date was 09/06/03.

Your last paragraph hit home With a brick ."..not to live your true self is surely a hell".
That is a painfully accurate a statement.

I don't know if I've 'found my bliss' but I know that when I have felt most content was lying in the grass on a sunny day in my Grandfathers garden. I love plants. I love the sun. I had a natural talent for art growing up, but around High School I lost all inspiration.
I do still enjoy art and Daniel ( boyfriend) encourages it but I still can't seem to find my inspiration.
There are so many other things I've wanted to try/do/learn but for some reason they always seem just of reach something else I'd like to discuss through E-mail. I think it has a lot to do with being unable to reach my potential.)

This supposed to be much shorter. I couldn't be concise if my life depended on it. :/

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Re: "Fight for yourself"

Hera,
I'll provide a full response later today but did want to address the issue of the number nine. To your question/statement, "But I wonder why (since I was so different from the other children) there isn't anyway to have had a connection to the number nine before I was born, right?" In my opinion the number nine is an archetypal number and being so would be an innate influence just as all other archetypes are. We are all born with these predisposed energies and if the number nine {symbolic of the Goddess in Greek mythology as well as the feminine psyche in general} is an archetype then yes, you as every human would be born with them. The difference for you would be, with the circumstances in which you were born, could have been realized much earlier in life. I'll expand on this later this afternoon.

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Re: "Fight for yourself"

Hera,
I will provide my thoughts tomorrow morning. You ask some very specific questions and i want to have my best intuitive senses working to answer them. Early hours in the morning is my best time.

Jerry

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Re: "Fight for yourself"

Hera,
Is your condition related to Nephropathic cystinosis begins in infancy? In the literature I read I don't see anything that would lead me to believe your condition affects brain function {the disease has more to do with the kidneys and cornea}. That would suggest your attitudes were developed and not a mental condition. Attitudes are generally formed from experiences and influences in life. Your experiences as a child living different from other children could partly explain your attitudes toward others as being weak {whereas you had to be strong because of your disease}. You may have been born defiant {pre-dispositions are normal} and those attitudes would have been re-enforced from life experiences {in your mind}.

I think what is key can be summarized in your statement, "I focused on getting stronger but I was always by myself." If being by yourself is not having a normal family environment {as you stated you were always in the hospital being worked on} then that would be a part of why your personality is as it is. But there is something else involved. The archetypes i spoke of are innate mechanisms that are embedded in the psyche. One is the mother/child relationship {assuming it fits your condition}. You are programmed by nature to expect to be nourished by the mother. When this is lacking then there is a disconnection and what should be normal development is interrupted. Developmental conflicts occur causing particular attitudes to develop. Your attitudes would be partly because of your environment as an infant/toddler/child and partly because you did not experience the mother/child relationship as prescribed by nature. In actuality we have two mothers. The biological mother that is the physical entity that provides the nourishment and the archetypal mother that provides an expectation of the mother. If you lack the fist then the second also becomes a negative. Not only is the outward ego personality affected but so too is the inward psyche. It is hard to explain the differences since it involves the same mother. But in essence, and especially since you are more prone to listening to your inner voices, your attitudes were likely shaped by the lack of inner connections {archetypes} as much as the outer. In other words you have faced a double 'whammy' as a child which would cause certain attitudes to develop.

This may be the reason you are having such a hard time adjusting. You are someone who is more in tune with the inner voices. Those voices would more likely lead you to alternative means of expression such as Buddhism. Buddhism points to the inner self whereas Western religions and customs point outward. In Buddhism god is within you. In Western philosophies you must bring god in. Your world is inward, perhaps by birth {more so than others} and as with anyone who grows in a particular environment your tendencies toward the inner world was re-inforced by not having a natural environment that you would expect {"As such I spent more time at a research institute and hospitals than at home"}. Your world was much different from the norm. Those early years were your foundation blocks and everything else is built on top of that. Even if things changed in your life the building blocks are still the same. it would be like having cheap concrete as the foundations with expensive bricks built on top of that. The 'cheap' foundations still remain and can bring down the rest of the 'house' no matter how 'materials' were used to build the rest of the life.

What we are still faced with is psychological. If in your dreams you are fighting with god then you are fighting with yourself. What parts of yourself are you fighting. If it is the god part then it may have to do higher aspiration or EXPECTATIONS. Let's look at the dream you posted in your response.

The warrior is someone who confronts the challenges in life with an ability to confront them. Since you are not the warrior that suggests you are not able to do this {that coincides with your statement, "" I want to stop this" which would be an emotional that fits with the waking life desire}.
By the way, who is the fictional character in your dreams? That could be important since the archetypes in dreams mirror the archetypes {patterns} in mythology.

The character in your dream is a 'he' which suggests there are masculine {animus} aspects in play {your masculine qualities}. and possibly a man or men as well. 'He' being alone matches how you have had to face your difficulties in life, alone. Also being a lone with men. That could be experiences when you were in the hospital being treated by men {being experimented on?}.

The city represents your whole self and could also represent social environment and community. The 'British Punk setting' would be personal preferences {punk rock/bands, personal experiences with those}.

Treason is a betrayal of trust. There are feelings you possess where you feel being betrayed. The childhood forming experiences, being in a hospital being experimented on by men, this could be part of the 'foundations' that still affect you today {this is only a suggestion of the possibility}.

Having to escort him to safe place with you may suggest a weak masculine, or negative feelings toward the masculine {men}. Where you exist is an inward world which may be saying you have gone inward to avoid the outside world {of men} which could create a weak animus.

Giving up would be a weak masculine trait {men are supposed to be strong-so too you need to possess a strong masculine attitude}. 'Turning himself in' is going inward, avoiding the outside world.

Valkyrie is a strong feminine. Going inward is a feminine act {outward is masculine, patriarchal rule}.

The dream is pointing to a weak masculine identity as well as possible distrust of men. You have stated you have turned inward so that fits. A distrust of men from early life {and perhaps later as well} would fit the later. Your dreams are showing your true self, your true emotions, at the time you had the dream. This is how you feel, not based on ego perceptions but the true self.

In the end it is all a tangled mess. Is this your life?
Dreams are also therapeutic. "I was sincerely trying to help him". This is what the dream is doing, trying to help you remedy emotional conflicts involving 'weak' masculine aspects and strong feminine inclinations {going inward to avoid facing the outer world of men}.

Let me state that going inward is the correct thing to do to discover the true self. Doing it to do to avoid reality is a different thing. But it is within yourself {psychology} you discover the reasons for all there is about yourself.

I'll comment more on the number nine and your bliss later today. I believe I have addressed those aspects about your dream i couldn't access yesterday {I had too many things going on to give a clear answer}. Go over what i have provided, especially about the trust factor from the dream and let me know your thoughts. It is from the dream we learn so much in so little time. As Jung would say when working with a patient and going through the different aspects of the person's life, "let's get back to the dream".

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Re: "Fight for yourself"

Hera,

For purposes beyond your dream so to give others insights to how I approach number in dreams, I will give a short explanation of numbers {as I approach the numbers}.

About the number 9 and numbers in general in dreams. I have found and believe all numbers have meaning in dreams. All numbers are associated with personal experiences or 'metaphysical aspects of the dreamer. By metaphysical aspects I mean the number 9 {as an example} would represent some aspect beyond personal experiences, to do with spiritual aspects of wholeness or creative aspects. The reason for these applications of numbers in dreams is the intention by nature to bring about wholeness to the psyche. Mankind is naturally intended to achieve wholeness in life, a balanced psyche. When there is an out-of-balance emotional conflict related to metaphysical aspects {spirituality/creativity/etc} the number 9 or 4 will often be apart of the dream. Sometimes the number will be in multiplies of a base number as 18 is 2 x 9. Or in additions {54 when added together would add to 9}. I look at I look at certain numbers as having metaphysical connotations as in the number 9 {the feminine aspect which is thought of as spiritual}. The number 4 in Jungian psyche is associated with wholeness also. We can look to mythology for background references and explanations to why these numbers are looked at as metaphysical. The number nine could be associated with the higher self, or the God self.

But there are many ways numbers appear in dreams and their interpretations are determined by various associations of the dreamer. If the number 135 appears in a dream it could in one aspect represent a metaphysical aspect {added together equals 9}. But it have personal associations. For instance a person may have visited a house where the address was 135. In that instance there would be emotional energies connected to the number {example; it was the home of a former lover}. It could have totally unrecognizable associations that would need a deep inspection to get an explanation. But I have found that with deep inspection numbers also meaning a dream.

One personal application of numbers is age. If I have a dream where the dreamer sees a person at a particular age it often references a time or age of the dreamer. A little girl at the age of 5 or 6 that the dreamer sees as someone unknown is most always a reference to the dreamer {especially if it appears in the first part of a dream}. Often the experience has been forgotten or repressed, or because the person was so young they were unable to make a connection {in that case they may have learned of the experience from someone older who witnessed the event}.

Then there is the instance as in your dream where there is an 18th century setting. I would look at that number in two ways. One would be the personal aspects which would denote the age of dreamer but also a look at metaphysical aspects. This applies to your dream. Anytime I see a variation of the number 9 {18} I look at metaphysical aspects as well as personal.

Again there are many ways numbers appear in dreams and determining their meaning or application depends on many things. If they are primarily personal associations involved I probably would not have any knowledge of those and could venture a guess. That is why i always ask the dreamer to look deeper at the possibilities to see if they can find any relationship in their waking life to the dream. Normally there are other symbols in the dream that support a number in its application. In your dream one is Buddhism and the Buddhist temple.

___________________________________________________


Numbers in your response
As for the near death experience at the age of 18. I can't say you had the experience because you were 18. It probably was a coincidence but I never dismiss any possibilities when it comes to numbers. I referenced the near death experience because it would have provided experiences beyond physical knowledge. I was more or less looking at possibilities.

You state in your response, "I was actually nineteen, only by nine or ten days but I imagine the math has to be exact". You were 19 but only by 9 or 10 days. Nine plus 10 days would make 19. Dreams will use numbers in this way because the unconscious 'knows' exactly what the event or experiences are but the dreamer would not make a connection until it is pointed out.

The other part of your response on numbers, "The date was 09/06/03". There is the number 9, 6 and 3. added together they add to 18. Go figure, huh? Strange but true.

___________________________________________________


Your last statement about art as an inspiration. Do you know why you can not find the inspiration? Is it pressures from life, the problems with your illness being so stressful you can't put your mind to it? I am convinced that 'most' anyone who discovers their bliss will have life changing positive experiences. For me it was in 1992 where I changed from a couch potato, sports freak into a student of Joseph Campbell and Jungian psychology which led to web design and the interpretation of dreams. I rely on sensory impressions when I work with dreams and i get a sense if you could find your inspiration you would find new meaning in life. It wouldn't get rid of your disease but your focus would be on something other than pressures in your life. If you haven't watched or read Campbell's The Power of Myth i suggest you do. It may help you better understand the 'bliss' thing as well other aspects of metaphysics. Putting you back on the inspiration path may be key to finding a better life. Here is a link that will let you watch to excerpts to the book/video/audio book EXCERPTS FROM THE POWER OF MYTH.

Jerry The God Within You A Prayer For You



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Re: "Fight for yourself"


That's it. In some cases it causes slight cognitive problems but nothing behavioral.

I lost my origional kidneys at 19. So my biggest problem is my bones and joints. I had rickets when I was little and that deformed my knees, legs and feet. Did the article mention the medication? It causes more damage then the disease. One is the destruction of collegen hence, joint problems. I also lost a disc in my lower back because of it. Since then I've been unable to work.


My Mother...how silly that my( poor) relationship with her being part of the problem never occured to me. Maybe it's becase I have never seen my family as important that I overlooked them.

I just realized that these are the 'personal' issues I wanted to talk to you through E-mail; I had no support. I chose to allienate myself from the other kids, but not my family ro the rest of those world.


At the 'confrences'-which if my Mother did attend, I don't remember her being there- after the kids were done for the day they'd stick together and play or see thier families. I saw it as an escape from family. I'd wander away off and find somewhere quiet whereI could draw.

I didn't see much of my Mother the first year of my life. She was in the Navy and I was moving between hospitals in WA DC and California.

She had the additude that it wasn't a big deal. She said it only meant I would "have to work harder than everyone else." But that was because she just chose not to help me. My sister though, she handed everything to. She was perfectly healty and naturally gifted at just about everything.

That entire side of the family hated me. My Mother would sometimes join my sister and cousins in making fun of me. Then I when I screamed at them to stop she'd laugh more and call me crazy.

This was partially because my Mother and Father's side of the family vehemently HATED each other. My Granparents ( on my Fathers side) reacted to my condition in the extreme oposite of my Mother. Anything and everything about me, even my personality, was some side-effect.

I can sum up my relationship with her in one short dream I had a long time ago. It needs no interpretation.

I'd left home to join th military after seeing many battles and climbing the ranks I retire to eshtablished a Monestary with it's own teaching and fighting styles. With this I had brought peace to a very large war-torn area. I was an internatonal icon. When I came home to tell my grandmother of what I'd accomplished she looked unimpressed and said " That's nice. But you didn't take your medicine did you?"

My Father was a woman-hating drunk who dealt with problems by screaming and throwing things at them. He frequently used my illness to hit on women, get out of traffic tickets and for pity.

"Even if things changed in your life the building blocks are still the same. it would be like having cheap concrete as the foundations with expensive bricks built on top of that. The 'cheap' foundations still remain and can bring down the rest of the 'house' no matter how 'materials' were used to build the rest of the life."

I thought this was a great way of explaining it. I hope you don't mind but I shared it with Daniel. (Boyfriend) He thinks it is brilliant and very accurate.

I had much higher expectations. But before I was able to try on my own my grandmother stuck me in a bunch of Governments programs saying I was a 'very special case' Once you get caught up in that mess, there is no way out, and, like I said, I am at home a lot.

The warrior/character is "Kanda Yuu" from a Japanese Manga called D. Gray Man. He has one of my favorite lines.
" ...She said that our lives are like the Lotus.
They rise out of the mud and make the world beautiful.
But inevitably they wilt and sink back into the mud."

I used to be that Warrior. In the past it did not matter how dark and filthy the mud, I'd pull myself out and without a trace of dirt. That is no longer the case. It seems like as soon as I see the sun something dumps more mud on top of me. I attribute this constantly haveing to deal with/report everything I do to the government which can change eerything at will. Nothing is really 'stable'

I should have been more specific. By 'brittish punk setting' I meant the distopian city with cameras on every corner and everythng being controlled by an evil rich white man using some giant corperation as a front.

That's mostly accurate but I think I have a different interpreation which would explain feeling betreyed by men and my 'weaker masculine' traits.
Before my bones and jonts got to where tey are now, I knew what it was I wanted. I wanted to fight. I was very full of energy and I NEEDED an outlet

I wanted to try martial arts, Kendo, Aikido, maybe be specially trained to use a weapon. Anything to satiate my 'action lust'. But Ididn't have the money for classes and I was a nerd. So I knew I would already not fit in- a sensitive subject since I was made fun of by just about everyone in school.

Then I found a group that I thought would change everything.

A 'LARPing' group. Live action Role Playing. Other nerds who did a lot of physical action. "Surely they'll get me. And this will be the perfect outlet."

It was not. Joining them was one of the worst decisions of my life. I never got over the anger they made me feel. Every time I see anyone LARPing ( or even a martial arts school) I get so angry and I know that they are the reason that I keep myself from attempting any similar activity to this day.

I would show up and fight before my knee was fully healed after surgery, after Dialysis, after my botched back surgery (where I contaced and survived multiple cases of Sepsis). I'd fight so hard I'd nearly pass out..and then get back up. I didn't tell anyone because in my experience the only response is 'quit whining'.

And they laughed at me. They told me I was weak and useless. THEY had a bruise and were fighting better than I. So what was my prolem? I have never forgiven them for it. This isn't the first time I was mad fun of for my physical incapacitates but to me this was the most unforgivable.

Oh.. They were about 98% men.This group was supposed to make everything so much better, but instead it made it worse.I don't think I knew true anger until that point. That could be seen as a betrayal.

I have anger issues because of this ( and similar things) it really gets in my way and I have no clue how I'm suppose to resolve it when it continues to happen. All I can do is try to avoid it ( going to the inner world?) but that solves nothing.

I don't really think my life is a 'tangled mess' however my...feelings toward the outer world are. I do love the world but am so distrustful of the people in it. I want to be a little more social but it just doesn't work. I have no problem making friends on a superficial level, but if I don't relate to them the friendship just can't go very deep.

I apologize if a lot this just sounds like 'bitching' or is TMI but I don't think it should be ignored if I really want to find my 'inner self'.

As for my 'bliss' I just got off the phone with my Grandmother who was lecturing about getting out of the house.
She's right, I need to. I've become some sort of a 50's house wife. Daniel hangs out with his friends. (I am invited. I used to go but one of the woman puts me in a bad mood every time I see her so I chose not to go) and I clean up.
Thing is, he works ALL THE TIME. (It aggravates me.) And I.. I don't know. I have hard time finding things I like to do outside. It seems like all there is to do is shop or eat.

You know what I'd really like? I'd like to have a garden. Where I live right now is too small. Maybe next year we can find a place with a bigger balcony.

I don't think my illness has much to do with it. Drawing was used to deal with it after all. Up until high school I was the best artist I knew. Then I realized that others were much better. I tried desperately to catch up, but I never did. Art became more of a negative than a positive for me and it has remained that way ever since.

Daniel and I wrote -what I think- is an amazing story. It started out as one of those table top-story RPGs but we really go it into it. I'd like to turn it into a graphic novel. I've been kind of trying to do that but to be honest I don't know the first thing about it and I get frustrated easily if it takes too long to figure out. I need some sort of motivation to work on that, I think.






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Re: "Fight for yourself"

Hera,
We're making real progress. I'll work on your current dream and give a detailed response in the morning.

Jerry The God Within You A Prayer For You




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Re: "Fight for yourself"

Hera,
Thanks for the in-depth information. It explains a lot and provides insights to why you are having these dreams.

One statement you gave was, "I didn't see much of my Mother the first year of my life" tells me a lot. In my discussion about the archetypes I stated these are innate energies we all are born with. I also mentioned that we have two mothers, the physical mother that gives us birth and the innate archetypal mother that provides instructions about the natural relational required by the infant with the mother. These are a set of instructions within the brain that tells the infant there is a mother that will provide nourishment and protection. Just as a turtle knows to run to the ocean upon hatching, the infant knows to expect certain things from the mother upon birth. When this is not received there is a short circuit within the psyche of the infant. The infant is wounded and depending on the extent of later experiences the extent to how much and how bad is displayed in later life. Your experiences during the first year of life were without your mother. That set the stage for the rest of your life, not only in the relationship with your mother but also with life in general. You are still that wounded child and will remain so until you reconcile those emotions. This was the beginning of your life and in later experiences you were still separated from a normal childhood. More wounds.

Very weak building blocks for a foundation.

As for the relationship with men. Again early life experiences with your father set the stage for who you have become in later life. You were being used and later experiences reaffirmed this {LARPING sessions being one of them}. The foundations with the masculine were weak from the beginning and later building blocks were no better. With this and all the other negative experiences from early life it is easy to see why you have anger issues.

You must have a very special relationship with Daniel. That is one positive in a sea of negatives.

The Solution
You are full of energy and I dare say you realize it as much as anyone the best way to use that is make a positive from it. Two things you mention I suggest you follow up on. The garden and the novel.
A garden is a great way to get inn touch with nature. I think it vital that we all have a relationship with nature because when we take it for granted we do exactly what we are doing. Destroying the 'mother' of us all. But not only that, there is a connection felt when we are in nature that resonates beyond consciousness. This goes to the archetypal beings that we are, produced by nature with an intent to live in accord with nature. Gardens give us a perspective on how nature lets things grow. Those things that grow 'naturally' with help from a gardener 'mother' provides subsistence. This is the way of nature, not only with the garden with with the relationship with parents and other relationships in life. It touches the soul in a way no other thing can.
And it keeps you busy. Instead of just shopping and eating {temporary solutions} it provides healthy stimulus in many ways. Listen to your grandmother and get outside.

The novel thing is a wonderful idea. Not only are you being creative you are doing it with Daniel. As for not knowing where to begin, hey, use the internet. I too have a fictional story in my mind I want to write {environmental changes, UFOs and intimate relationships} and like you I have no experience. But with the internet there are so many resources to help guide you. Let your imagination take hold and write.

There is one thing that is required in doing anything in life you wish to achieve. DISCIPLINE!!!! You wake up one morning with the intent to write but are in a bad mood or something starts out wrong and you neglect to write. The next day is even worse and again you neglect to write. From my experience it is discipline that helped me succeed and continues to do so.

Of course I am talking about my dream work and web design, my bliss factors. There were many days when i awoke having so many responsibilities {I was a self employed contractor for 35 years} related to 'social duty' I did not have the desire to work with dreams or with my websites. But i forced myself to sit down and do it. Within a little while I was immersed in interpreting a dream or designing a new web page. Now that i am retired i don't have those social duty problems {doing what society demands you to do instead of what your bliss is} and I am free to expand my horizons. It was disciplining myself not to cave in to my weaknesses but to stay with my strengths. Joseph Campbell says when you follow your bliss you 'come to bliss'. From my experience this is a true statement. And i know of so many others who shared my interest in Campbell who feel the same way. George Lucas {Star War Origins}, Susan Sarandon {Mythos}, Jerry Garcia {The Greatful Dead}, Linda Ronstadt, Jacqueline Kennedy among the list.

Again we get back to the bliss factor, doing those things you love doing most. I think it is a logical choice especially when we are having bad thoughts and in a bad mood. It has been said that if you are thinking about bad things you merely have to change what you are thinking about. Take your mind off the negatives in your life and focus on the positives. That does take discipline but much like yoga where the goal is 'not to think but to be', the more you practice the better you become at achieving your goals.

"Don't think, Do!"....Yoda in Star Wars.



Jerry The God Within You A Prayer For You




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