This morning I woke up from a dream, startling in its clarity. I am a young girl, in some ways, adult in others. I’m in a room with my grandmother. It’s a sort of kitchen/sitting room combination, not very large. She is watching me, babysitting me. I can tell she hates me, and while we wait for Alberta (my mother) to return, she makes several attempts to murder me. Once, she tries to stab me with a knife. Another time, I sense her behind me and look over my shoulder. She has one of our yellow napkins folded up and she is about to put it around my neck and strangle me. I am not worth the trouble is the message. They both want to get rid of me. I'm a waste of their time.

In both instances, she is easily disarmed. But I am alarmed, and very aware this is a sentiment my mother shares, as well, that I should be killed. I cannot help but think of something I heard recently proposed: “live birth abortions,” a euphemism for murdering your child at birth because once you see it, you know for some reason you don’t want it. It’s disgusting, a disappointment, not good enough. So kill it.

Finally, Alberta shows up. In the dream I call her “mama” or “mommy” as I did as a child. She is much younger, probably midthirties. Maybe early 40s. I look at her and cry, “Mama, Grobles tried to kill me today! You would never do that, would you?” It’s a pleading cry, desperate for reassurance I know is not there. She looks me square in the eye with a glare which message can’t be denied. “Of course I would,” she said.

I left the room in terror, and made my way down a long hall to my parents’ bedroom. In the dream, I have a father. It isn’t Harry or Herby (my father and stepfather), but it is a very nice man. He reminded me of Pierce Bronson. He was a very busy, very successful business man, and getting ready to leave on a trip. But he had promised me he was going to buy something from me, product from my new business. I talk to him as he bustles, and he indicates I need to hurry. I tell him he should try the three aftershaves, which you follow with a lotion. He isn’t paying attention well enough, and says he’ll take the aftershaves. He writes his credit card info down on a business card and leaves. He is happy, in a good mood, and I feel he loves me.

But it doesn’t occur to me to tell him I’m in danger. I walk back down the hall, realizing I should leave a note on his pillow telling him to wake me when he returns. I picture him doing this, and coming in to my room to wake me and protect me. It’s a fatherly, loving scene. But then, I realize it probably would be dangerous to do that, because Alberta might see it. It's probably dangerous to go to sleep.

By then, I’m back near the room where my grandmother, Alberta and now some artist friends of my mother are gathered for a night of painting. This is something she used to do when I was a young child, before my father died. I don’t go into the room. I hang out at the door, and at one point she looks at me with hatred. I back away, and have this sense of trying to be very contained, so as not to bother her, not to push her to that “last straw” moment when she will finally kill me.

It’s hard to get a sense of age or time in this dream. I think I am my current age, because I have started a new business (which in fact, I have). But there are elements of this house that remind me of when I was no more than seven. The house, too, I want to point out was unusually shaped. It seemed like an old fashioned telephone, with the earpiece and mouthpiece ends being where the rooms were placed, and the handle being the long hallway in between. Somewhere in the middle, though, was my bedroom, positioned on the other side of the hallway. The other element that seemed different was that we seemed very wealthy.

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Rose,
My sense is the dream is dealing with emotional guilt that has to do with early life experiences of not being loved and wanted. The age of seven is probably significant to these experiences. How old were you when your father died?

The dream may be about having a mother and stepfather who did not provide good parenting when you were a child and a wish for a father who could save you from the emotional distress during childhood. Did your family struggle financially when you were a child? You probably didn't have agood relationship with your grandmother either. There is also the possibility the experiences in your childhood relationship with your mother has been inherent in you as a mother, some aspects handed down from your grandmother to your mother and perhaps to you. Those attributes may be what need to be killed {as well as your experiences of neglect as a child}.

Was there some type of jealousy involving your grandmother that could be relevant to the dream, and your emotional self?

There is one aspect with the relationship with 'Alberta' you will not go into. What could that be? Is it her lack of good mothering that 'kills' you emotionally? Were you constantly on edge as a child in the relationship with your mother? There does seem to be 'mothering' issues and they run deep {grandmother, mother, you?}. Give thought to my analysis and let me know what you come up with. We may be able to get a better sense of what the dream is attempting to communicate.

Jerry

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Hi Jerry,

I am not a mother, just so you know. At least biologically, although I have been a caretaker to my mother for the past 11 years.

I don't resonate with needing to be killed, or parts of me needing to be killed. However, I do resonate with the issue of jealousy. I didn't know my grandmother well enough to know if it was an issue, but judging from the fact my mother was/is VERY jealous of me and my success, I would suspect it was probably an issue for my grandmother as well. I think jealousy is certainly in my makeup, but I don't see myself as hamstrung by it. Maybe that is a blind spot for me. Or maybe, because I've worked so hard over the years to foster an "attitude of gratitude," that tendency has been curbed inme.

My mother has always been emotionally distant. She does not make me feel "on edge," but I have never felt emotionally safe around her, or my grandmother. As for my father, he died when I was five, and was a very unsafe man. I actually have fond memories of my stepfather, but my mother divorced him when I was thirteen. So, yes, needing a strong father figure has been an issue for me.

I have started a new business, and I wondered if this dream was trying to send me a healing message to help free me from that "murderous jealousy" which I believe has impacted my ability to be more successful in the past. I was looking for signs of hope in the dream, too, Jerry. Do you see any?

I'm also really struck by that yellow napkin. I got those napkins when I married, so they are almost 18 years old. I just couldn't imagine why that needed to show up in the dream as a potential weapon of murder!?

OK, whaddyathink now?

Rose

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Rose,
Killing is symbolic of something that needs to come to an end. Perhaps that has to do with the jealousy issues. It would not surprise me if your grandmother possessed the same personality trait. It could be that not only does your jealousy issues need to come to an end {any emotional conflict can be destructive}, it may be the lineage of hand me down traits to do with jealousy needs to come to an end. Children at the earliest age pick up on such things and store them within their unconscious psyche. Better chance than not they do will demonstrate such tendencies later in life. You are giving the signal that 'if mom does it it must be OK'. The good news is you have curbed such tendencies. Recognizing what they are is a function of dreams. They {dreams} attempt to communicate emotional conflicts so the dreamer will know they are there and hopefully do something to end the conflict.

The emotional attitude of your mother and grandmother are also serious issues. Not only as personality traits but also for a child {mother, then you} who picks up on these issues. Just as with the jealousy traits unstable emotional conflicts are signals for the child to pick up on. Right and wrong are early life learning patterns and what you learn in the earliest stages of life are hard to overcome. Especially if you are not aware of them {they are unconscious motivators and are often influential in later life}. I only discovered my unconscious motivators when I began studying Jungian psyche 22 years ago. Up until then I was acting out my father issues and did not know it. It was very destructive.

And then there are the father issues in your life. It is bad enough that you did not have the proper mother-daughter relationship. Add to that a lack of having a good father figure and it is reasonable to see emotional conflicts.

The 'murderous jealousy' trait could very well have an impact on your success. Unconsciously it could be a factor and you do not realize it. If there are deep emotional wounds in your private life they will surely have consequences in your professional life. As for signs of hope, taking time to examine your dreams is a good sign to begin with. When you become aware of the influence of unconscious energies within you that hold you back you begin a cycle of repairing what needs to be healed {if you follow through and work to 'kill' what needs to com to an end}. Most people have these important dreams and simply ignore them. It is when thy come to the Dream Forum {or other 'authentic' dream forums-based on the psychology of dreams} that the dreamer can begin to take actions to resolve the emotional issues. Until then they are often unaware of the energies within the unconscious and live their life controlled by these energies. You have taken the first step {and the most important}.

The yellow napkins are likely important symbols. Napkins could have many possible meanings. If we look at the definition of a napkin we may find some relationship to your dream napkin. Add that to the dream scenario and it may begin to make sense.
Napkin-a square piece of cloth or paper used at a meal to wipe the fingers or lips and to protect garments.

What I take from the definition symbolically is the square which is a symbol for wholeness {something we all are emotionally trying to achieve}. The other is garments which would represent the ego. That could involve personality traits {as I described in the jealousy/emotional attitudes of your mother/grandmother}. Yellow is a color that could mean 'tainted', not clean {what napkins are used for}. The stabbing by your dream grandmother may represent the 'wounded' personality being inserted into your psyche. That would produce a 'tainted' personality for you.

But as important as is the yellow napkin, the number 18 may be important. You were married at 18. Including that experience, what other issues could there be related to what we have discussed happened at that time of life? Undoubtedly {a t least in my mind} this has something to do with the rest of the dream, the experiences with mother/grandmother having related contents to when you were 18 {when you first married}. It could be something changed then that was important to the 'murder' of the emotional issues. look back that time period and see what associations there may be to not only the mother/grandmother issues but also marriage and success in life. One constant about any number that ends up to equal nine {1+8} is it represents wholeness in the psychic life {psychological as well as whole life}. But the time frame is probably as important. The years of 7 to 18 may be relevant.

Let me know your thoughts and perhaps we will be able to continue to probe what is within the unconscious that is trying to come out.

Jerry [meditate[pray]

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Hi Jerry,

Thanks for your thoughts. Just to clarify, I was married eighteen years AGO, not when I was 18. Actually, 17.5 years ago, which, historically, may be of interest, because when I was 17 years old, I left home. Mostly. I was able to attend college a year early, skipping my senior year of high school. So I was only 17 my first year of college. Another important transition away from home, where my mother and grandmother were both living at the time.

So, I see a link there. Leaving home, and leaving the familial pattern of "murderous jealousy" behind as well. Starting my new business might be another manifestation of me leaving behind that pattern, not letting it hinder my success.

:-)Rose

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Rose,
I'll give a detailed response Sunday morning. I help my son with his construction business on most Saturdays and have to prepare for that tonight.

I knew the number 18 had relevance but with most dreams the best interpretation one can give is along the periphery of a dream and seldom pin point a particular real life experience. Usually there are clues to how to apply numbers {childhood issues is often a focus} but not alwyas something that is concrete. We can identify patterns, that is hat we look for, and anyone with good experience working with dreams know that numbers are important. I pay more attention to them than most and have found they do have meaning and are applicable in some way to the dream and the dreamer's life. Because I do know so little about the dreamer when they post a dream, I have to rely on my intuitive mind to 'extract' the best possibilities to what an image {or actions} represents.

The great thing about the Dream Forum is I have a data base for dreams and their interpretations and because of that I have been able to identity/verify certain trends or applications of dream images and actions. There is nothing better to verify facts that written evidence. But it is because people like you take time to respond to my analysis/interpretation that I do have data, information that supports Jungian concepts as his approach to understanding dreams {and thus oneself} and a path to Individuation. The ultimate goal of dreams, one that was installed by nature into all human DNA, is to be whole, able to live a balanced and harmonious life.

So few people reach that plateau.

Jerry

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