Paul,

I have nowhere near the experience of Jerry and so I await his more seasoned response. But for my own part I find your response very very interesting. It sounds like you are on quite a journey at the moment indeed it sounds like your life has been a hell of a journey. I am grateful for all you have shared here and I respect you very much for your courage in sharing your story. It seems like you are on a spiritual quest and I know well your desire to take the left hand path in life and finding the conventional path incommensurate with my own values. I have no experience of a kundalini awakening but knowing others who have experienced it I know it can be a very challenging and admittedly exhilarating experience. So it is fascinating to hear about your experiences with it and Ida and Pingala. I know also the toll of failure as well as its necessity as part of the journey.

I am cautious of your approach to the Father however. When you say that in order to defeat the Shadow King you must ignore him
I can't help but feel very cautious. This is a very dangerous approach. You are very good at following your heart. You know well what you want from life and you clearly live a dedicated life of passion. I can see no other reason for your persistence in standing up and fighting on time after time. And yet you are returned a third time to the kingdom of your father. I see that in your response your spend a large portion talking about your flesh and blood father. We are not dealing with him. It is not the flesh father we are dealing with. He has nothing to do with the Minotaur with the serpent you face. His work is done your psyche has absorbed him. To ignore him is secondary but to ignore your internal Shadow father is I feel a great danger to you.

In mythology the dragon or the Minotaur is the beast who guards the treasure. Think of when you feel fear in your life think of when you procrastinate. Think of the times when you know you should do something yet you avoid it you postpone it. You know you should do it yet you are in no mood so you do something else. This is the dragon. This is the shadow king. The king is the ruler of the kingdom of Paul. When you do not do all the things you must which perhaps this being the third time this has happened I am going to assume (and of course I may be certainly wrong) that there is a degree of self-sabotage at work unconsciously. This is your Shadow king. What your flesh father is like is irrelevant to this matter. This is a matter of the psyche. It is there you must meet him. If you think that the problem is with your flesh father then I fear you are projecting your Shadow king onto him.

It seems to me (and again I am willing to be told I am way out of line here) that it would be very dangerous to ignore your father and rush into battle again when the dragon guards your treasure. What you say about proving yourself to yourself is that you are trying to overcome the shadow king without fighting him. You must meet him. For he is you not you flesh father. To prove yourself to yourself you must attack that which causes you to doubt yourself ie your Shadow King and kill this doubt at its roots.

I definitely see what you and Jerry are speaking about when you talk about Luke's story. I can certainly see similarities between you and Luke and a need to face your Vader.

One other note. Consider the maze. In the myth Ariadne gives Theseus the thread. He had only thought about being a hero and killing the Minotaur but Ariadne reminds him that even if he kills the Minotaur be will forever be lost in the maze without her string. You may be getting lost in the maze. You say you are a third time returned to the same place. This in itself sounds maze-like. The anima may take a back seat but she is there saving the hero for he would be forever lost without her. Do not underestimate the maze. Do not dismiss your anima in the shadows she is your greatest ally.

I hope I have not overstepped my post in this response. I have seen the same flaws in my own life and fallen into my own pitfalls too many times that I have felt like a dog chasing my tail wondering what it is that caused my failure and what is going to be different this time. I have found dreamwork so amazingly helpful in exposing the demons that I skim over in my daily life. It is only by taking the inward journey that I am beginning to feel confident in the success of my future endeavours simply because I am beginning to see my demons and know their intentions as well as their dominions. Anyway I'm rambling. I hope this has been helpful to you in some way and I am excited to hear more of your journey.

Hope it helps,
Jimmy

Age & Gender & Location {Required}: 23 now in canada (previously travelling Australia) but from Ireland

Have You Posted Before? Date of Last Post {Use Search and Your Post Name to Help Find Last Post} Internet search I think?

How Did You Find the Dream Forum? Yes November 27- The Curse

I very much appreciate your insight Jimmy.

I would like to thank you for the first observation that you have made. Namely, that my 'quarrel' is not with my own "flesh and blood" father, but rather, with my own internal "Shadow King". I should cease projecting this archetype onto him. I must own this part of myself.

In terms of the inner "quest" I will summarise your advice thus:


1) DEMON (Shadow King): Whatever I am avoiding, I must do it. Confront the fear of failure (i.e. doubt). Confront the demon (daimon) which dominates my inner realm, by taking action in the outer realm. Overcome my fear through 'heroic' action.


RESPONSE: I have already started to do this over the last month and my dreams (and spinal pattern of defence) seem to be changing accordingly. For example I dreamt of a young King a few nights ago (part of a 3 part dream odyssey). He was described as "He has nothing to prove and that is why he has total self assurance". The King of Cups has come up in my Tarot reading of the situation as that which resides in my unconscious and is coming into manifestation.


2) ANIMA: Re-engage with my Anima. She knows the terrain and is a constant ally in the Collective Unconscious.

RESPONSE: I am not sure what such action I should take in real life. I am single partly by circumstance (financially poor & living with parents at present) and partly by choice (relationships end in catastrophe/are bad for my mental health). I have had many dreams involving my Anima, but they are outside of the scope of my answer. When I have owned my King energy and am in a financially stable position, perhaps then I can find a partner. My Anima has helped me on many adventures. Perhaps she will help with that too.


---------------------------------------------------------

I had another dream after this dream, and I have also taken much action in my life since "The Maze" dream.

DREAM 1 - THE DEAD END
I am walking up a street. It is my old walk to school. However, it is dark as if very early in the morning. I pass a man standing on the pavement. He is dressed in dark worker's clothes, he is carrying my old black 'professional' bag. He is also wearing sunglasses (despite the dark). And he appears to be waiting for something or someone (it occurs to me he is waiting for a lift to work).

He is blocking my path. I have to step out into the road to walk past him. After I pass him I enter an alley. All of a sudden I am at a dead end. There is a wall with windows lit up like the back of a building. I instantly turn around and walk back out the alley. Panicky that I will be robbed. The man is still standing where he was (only he is on my right now rather than my left). He is also now wearing a blindfold rather than sunglasses.

As I continue to walk down the street, I am aware that a young woman (that I now recognise as my new business partner) is walking ahead of me. I don't want her to fear that I will rob her, so I walk loudly and give her space.

I (or rather we) arrive at a train station. There is a lady on the platform who says that her mobile has been "stolen" by a "gyp" (as in "gypsy"). She realises it wasn't. I feel I should go over and talk to her. I awake.


A QUICK BACKGROUND TO THE PRESENT SITUATION

- When young I wanted to be a poet/musician but my family (father) was always adamant that I studied Sciences. I also wanted to become a Psychotherapist.
- I went to university to study Sciences (Health Research) rather than Arts (Psychology & Philosophy). My grades were poor at that stage so I couldn't have studied what I wanted to anyway. As a more general note - The system is truly **** in the UK. Supports "Sensory Thinking" plodders and punishes "Intuitive Feelers". Arts are being eroded. Underfunded.
- I hated University. Wrong kind of people. Too much stress. I succeeded through sheer force of will, grit and determination. And Girlfriend very supportive.
- When I graduated I was resistant to getting a "meaningless job". Tried to start my own business with my mother. Father advising. Secretly he expected it to fail. It did.
- After graduation and the failure of my startup business, the repressed rage/fear and overwhelming stress finally caused a "psychosis" (really a premature kundalini awakening). I was 21/22. I broke up with my girlfriend at the time.
- Once I recovered I set to work. I got lots of "dead end" jobs before working for a mental health charity (the ultimate dead end job). I had to find my way out of this dead end, so I trained as a Personal Trainer. Having lost 4 Stone (30 Kg).
- I was living with my girlfriend. Too much stress. She had serious unresolved issues. I was training too hard. Not enough money paying off education. I had another "stress reaction event" and was hospitalised.
- I moved back with my parents. Age 27/28. I tried to set up my business, but I was getting overweight again from the medication and rich diet. I sabotaged my efforts to set up as a personal trainer feeling I was too overweight.
- Eventually I got a dead end job at a hospital. Started meditating and doing Kundalini Yoga breathing. Lost the weight again. Had a year of "living it large". Lots of sex. Age 29.
- Again I thought "I have to get out of this dead end job and do something with my life - help people as a healer". I started doing a Masters in Chiropractic. The course was intense of time and money. Hospital wouldn't help. I tried to set up another business as a personal trainer at the hospital to pay for my course. NHS wouldn't help. Stress and over training resulted in another "Stress Reaction Event".
- Again Moved back to my parents' to recover. Broke up with my girl friend at the time. The pattern had repeated itself.
- This time the "Psychosis" ended with Mystical experience. Profound insights. Powerful connection with Nature. I was 30/31.
- Realising the pattern has repeated itself, and that I was back with my parents for a third time, I thought "I must take my time and get to the bottom of this repeating pattern". I reconnected with the girlfriend I had had, she was training as a counsellor but had so many issues with men, and ultimately the relationship failed.
- Went to start my own business, this time with "support" from a government contractor who help unemployed people set up as self-employed. Instead of setting up as a "Health & Wellness Coach", I set up as a "web designer". Again I felt I was too overweight to sell myself as a health professional to people.
- The business turned out to be another wrong turn. I shelved the project and continued my introspective journey to understand what I should do next.
- After much soul searching at this time, I have realised that I should do the things I have always wanted to do. I should just take the plunge and set up multiple businesses. One as a Health and Wellness Coach. I have also spent the year networking within the scope of my interests. I now work with children and an a "play leader". I always wanted to find a way to motive children to be physically active in order to counter obesity and our increasingly sedentary lifestyle. I really enjoy this work.
- I have healed enough to realise that I can succeed in whatever I try. It is a case of picking the thing that will make me happiest and not leave me poor.
- I have also connected with a group of people looking to purchase some land and set up a series of social enterprises. I have found my tribe. NOW THE FUTURE BEGINS.

Please feel free to de-construct this partial life-story. Any insight into the repeating pattern would be most welcome.

-Paul-

Age & Gender & Location {Required}: 32 M UK