I very much appreciate your insight Jimmy.

I would like to thank you for the first observation that you have made. Namely, that my 'quarrel' is not with my own "flesh and blood" father, but rather, with my own internal "Shadow King". I should cease projecting this archetype onto him. I must own this part of myself.

In terms of the inner "quest" I will summarise your advice thus:


1) DEMON (Shadow King): Whatever I am avoiding, I must do it. Confront the fear of failure (i.e. doubt). Confront the demon (daimon) which dominates my inner realm, by taking action in the outer realm. Overcome my fear through 'heroic' action.


RESPONSE: I have already started to do this over the last month and my dreams (and spinal pattern of defence) seem to be changing accordingly. For example I dreamt of a young King a few nights ago (part of a 3 part dream odyssey). He was described as "He has nothing to prove and that is why he has total self assurance". The King of Cups has come up in my Tarot reading of the situation as that which resides in my unconscious and is coming into manifestation.


2) ANIMA: Re-engage with my Anima. She knows the terrain and is a constant ally in the Collective Unconscious.

RESPONSE: I am not sure what such action I should take in real life. I am single partly by circumstance (financially poor & living with parents at present) and partly by choice (relationships end in catastrophe/are bad for my mental health). I have had many dreams involving my Anima, but they are outside of the scope of my answer. When I have owned my King energy and am in a financially stable position, perhaps then I can find a partner. My Anima has helped me on many adventures. Perhaps she will help with that too.


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I had another dream after this dream, and I have also taken much action in my life since "The Maze" dream.

DREAM 1 - THE DEAD END
I am walking up a street. It is my old walk to school. However, it is dark as if very early in the morning. I pass a man standing on the pavement. He is dressed in dark worker's clothes, he is carrying my old black 'professional' bag. He is also wearing sunglasses (despite the dark). And he appears to be waiting for something or someone (it occurs to me he is waiting for a lift to work).

He is blocking my path. I have to step out into the road to walk past him. After I pass him I enter an alley. All of a sudden I am at a dead end. There is a wall with windows lit up like the back of a building. I instantly turn around and walk back out the alley. Panicky that I will be robbed. The man is still standing where he was (only he is on my right now rather than my left). He is also now wearing a blindfold rather than sunglasses.

As I continue to walk down the street, I am aware that a young woman (that I now recognise as my new business partner) is walking ahead of me. I don't want her to fear that I will rob her, so I walk loudly and give her space.

I (or rather we) arrive at a train station. There is a lady on the platform who says that her mobile has been "stolen" by a "gyp" (as in "gypsy"). She realises it wasn't. I feel I should go over and talk to her. I awake.


A QUICK BACKGROUND TO THE PRESENT SITUATION

- When young I wanted to be a poet/musician but my family (father) was always adamant that I studied Sciences. I also wanted to become a Psychotherapist.
- I went to university to study Sciences (Health Research) rather than Arts (Psychology & Philosophy). My grades were poor at that stage so I couldn't have studied what I wanted to anyway. As a more general note - The system is truly **** in the UK. Supports "Sensory Thinking" plodders and punishes "Intuitive Feelers". Arts are being eroded. Underfunded.
- I hated University. Wrong kind of people. Too much stress. I succeeded through sheer force of will, grit and determination. And Girlfriend very supportive.
- When I graduated I was resistant to getting a "meaningless job". Tried to start my own business with my mother. Father advising. Secretly he expected it to fail. It did.
- After graduation and the failure of my startup business, the repressed rage/fear and overwhelming stress finally caused a "psychosis" (really a premature kundalini awakening). I was 21/22. I broke up with my girlfriend at the time.
- Once I recovered I set to work. I got lots of "dead end" jobs before working for a mental health charity (the ultimate dead end job). I had to find my way out of this dead end, so I trained as a Personal Trainer. Having lost 4 Stone (30 Kg).
- I was living with my girlfriend. Too much stress. She had serious unresolved issues. I was training too hard. Not enough money paying off education. I had another "stress reaction event" and was hospitalised.
- I moved back with my parents. Age 27/28. I tried to set up my business, but I was getting overweight again from the medication and rich diet. I sabotaged my efforts to set up as a personal trainer feeling I was too overweight.
- Eventually I got a dead end job at a hospital. Started meditating and doing Kundalini Yoga breathing. Lost the weight again. Had a year of "living it large". Lots of sex. Age 29.
- Again I thought "I have to get out of this dead end job and do something with my life - help people as a healer". I started doing a Masters in Chiropractic. The course was intense of time and money. Hospital wouldn't help. I tried to set up another business as a personal trainer at the hospital to pay for my course. NHS wouldn't help. Stress and over training resulted in another "Stress Reaction Event".
- Again Moved back to my parents' to recover. Broke up with my girl friend at the time. The pattern had repeated itself.
- This time the "Psychosis" ended with Mystical experience. Profound insights. Powerful connection with Nature. I was 30/31.
- Realising the pattern has repeated itself, and that I was back with my parents for a third time, I thought "I must take my time and get to the bottom of this repeating pattern". I reconnected with the girlfriend I had had, she was training as a counsellor but had so many issues with men, and ultimately the relationship failed.
- Went to start my own business, this time with "support" from a government contractor who help unemployed people set up as self-employed. Instead of setting up as a "Health & Wellness Coach", I set up as a "web designer". Again I felt I was too overweight to sell myself as a health professional to people.
- The business turned out to be another wrong turn. I shelved the project and continued my introspective journey to understand what I should do next.
- After much soul searching at this time, I have realised that I should do the things I have always wanted to do. I should just take the plunge and set up multiple businesses. One as a Health and Wellness Coach. I have also spent the year networking within the scope of my interests. I now work with children and an a "play leader". I always wanted to find a way to motive children to be physically active in order to counter obesity and our increasingly sedentary lifestyle. I really enjoy this work.
- I have healed enough to realise that I can succeed in whatever I try. It is a case of picking the thing that will make me happiest and not leave me poor.
- I have also connected with a group of people looking to purchase some land and set up a series of social enterprises. I have found my tribe. NOW THE FUTURE BEGINS.

Please feel free to de-construct this partial life-story. Any insight into the repeating pattern would be most welcome.

-Paul-

Age & Gender & Location {Required}: 32 M UK