Jerry,

First, thank you for the welcome back. From what you wrote earlier and how busy I knew this web site/forum to be, I can imagine the significant time and attention it takes to maintain such a website. I know that when I first began healing, before I ever posted any dreams here, I was turning to your website and dream dictionary daily.

You wrote: “It is good to get away from teachers. An early lesson in my search from Joseph Campbell was not to have a guru since they can only lead you as far as they have gotten. It is good to have teachers but taking your own path is the way to discover your true self.”

This is something I intuitively heard inside of myself over the years, yet I still looked for teachers/gurus. There are probably a few factors which caused me to do so. One, not trusting my own self. Another is, I believe, that I was still looking for the parental figures I did not have in early life. My wayward seeking caused more pain as some of the original wounds seemed to grow deeper, especially the early life betrayal, which, at least in my case (and I wager in the case of many with similar histories) became a form of self-betrayal. There is so much more I could say on that. Then, there is the aspect of seeking the spiritual to avoid the pain of life, an act of denying/avoiding, wishing only to experience what is pleasant. It became a form of escaping from the painful reality of my early life.

You wrote: “And there are distinct experiences in early life for this. Uncovering/excavating what is beneath the surface will reveal what they are. You learn what they are and why they have had such impact on later life. We are all basically who we are because of childhood ‘learning’ both conscious and unconscious.”

I have known and understood this truth and yet I have had the tendency to avoid more work. Perhaps in part because I grew weary in my healing journey. I have been at it for 19 years and in the light of the above mistakes I made (running to the spiritual), I felt like I lost my way. I began to see it as if I was “Refusing the Call,” for I did experience a genuine call to healing. Writing that brings tears to my eyes. I feel it is because they are true words…. My call to healing was/IS genuine. I have desired wholeness all of my life. At the moment of this writing, however, I believe I can start again, with a fresh perspective and the wisdom gained from my mistakes.

Here is part of my conundrum from my early life: I have specific early memories of "a few" terrible things that happened in my very early life. But during the years of what was probably the greatest assault on me (sexual abuse by my father) as an adolescent, I was not conscious of the acts. I now understand that what I thought were dreams as a child, was actually astral travel. (I don't do this anymore, as far as I know.) I literally used to leave my body at night, walk out of the house, and ascend into the universe. First, it started by learning that my spirit was free/weightless, as I could make great leaps and jumps while “dreaming.” Then, I learned that I could fly with the mere wish to. Eventually, I just began ascending into the universe at what seemed warp speed. I have very distinct feeling memories of experiencing my spirit leaving and re-entering my body on so many nights during my youth. I believe my ability to do so was (not only a form of dissociation, but also) a saving grace, an answered prayer (there were many prayers) a mechanism of my psyche/spirit that protected me from knowledge too grave for my ego to endure at the time.

My father had sexually abused me and all three of my older sisters (I was the youngest). This is something I did not have the courage to share the last time I was here on the forum. I had conscious knowledge of my father sexually abusing my two oldest sisters, for I used to wake in the night hearing it happening to the second eldest…and assumed my oldest sister endured the same fate. I do now know this to be the truth. When my second sister called out for help (a second time) by telling the mother of a friend, she was confronted by our mother, who retorted, in a screaming voice, “You little ****** why do you let him do it?!” I was 10 years old when I stood in the room witnessing this. And (whoa), I surmise, that I/my psyche decided that this must never happen to me (or, if it does, that I must never know about it!), for such knowledge will mean that mother will not love me! Metaphorically speaking, I had to bury my head in the sand (which is the same thing my mother did when she did not protect her children). My psyche acted to preserve some sense of sanity in the insanity that was my early life experience. There was a lot of abuse. My father was a terrible man. I never experienced a single ounce of love or care from him. Had he ever feigned to love or care, I would never have been able to pretend to want it, for I lived my whole childhood with eyes in the back of my head, afraid of any glance of that man.

Life gave me a full plate. While I have survived, I wish to thrive. I always have. I thank God/dess for the strong spirit life bestowed upon me.

One thing abused children learn to think and believe of themselves is that they are damaged goods. The pain and shame and blame and stigma is so great that one only dares to risk sharing such knowledge with others, afraid they will be judged, rejected. This has been my experience.

This “Excavation Work” dream is one that jolted me awake, made me pay attention to its importance. Through these last two days, thanks in part to my willingness to share it here and receive your input, I was really able to see that the dream was asking me go deeper.

When I am finished writing this, I will post a dream that I remembered yesterday morning, clearly telling of how my childhood has impacted my life. It is a repeating theme, one of being a prisoner of my childhood.

Your reference to age in regard to the 2 ½ to 3-foot-tall statues that were uncovered in the dream, gave me pause to think of my earliest life memory. I always estimated myself to have been 3 years old at the time. I first was standing naked in a cold hallway outside the only bathroom in the house. I felt and “knew” (even at that young age) that something was wrong with the situation. I felt vulnerable and afraid, shivering inside. I was waiting my turn to be placed in the bathtub for bathing with my father... Then comes the moment that my mother lifts me over the edge of the tub and into the hands of my father where I will sit between his legs for bathing(?). I can still see the image clearly, the tub, my father (whom I came to refer to by his first name only, as he was never a “father” to me). In that moment when my mother lifted me over the rail of the tub, my spirit silently shrieked in despair. If I could have screamed, it would have been a shout that screamed, “NO!” I don’t remember anything else regarding those bathing routines, but I feel certain the knowledge the 3-year-old me demonstrated was for a reason.

I am not sure how to discover or unearth these deep dark secrets which we have buried so deeply to protect the fragility of our developing child self.

I will share that because I was not conscious of the adolescent sexual experiences with my father, I always thought I was somehow spared. I thought some grace saved me. This was in part true, for life would not have fared as well for me had my ego structure been more detrimentally damaged at a precious young age, were it not for the grace that lifted me above the experiences. I experienced survivor guilt as I wept deeply, thinking I was weeping only for the fate of my three sisters who went before me. The day came, however, when, amidst my weeping, I heard/felt my inner being say to me, “It happened to me, too.” That is REALLY why I wept so profoundly. After that recognition, I found myself awash in an inner vision of a sea of incessantly blooming pink roses…which I now imagine was the divine feminine nourishing and loving my spirit and soul. Still though, because I could not remember/see it happening, I never could quite say/acknowledge with certainty that it did. It was to be 3-4 years later, after a dream which assured me that it did indeed happen, that I was finally able to call my therapist/analyst with some “proof” of the reality of it.

So, here it is, Christmas Eve, and I am sharing such deep subject matter online in regard to my dreams leading me to deeper healing. Some might imagine I could be spending the time in a better way. This, however, is nurturing to my soul… is what my soul needs at this moment. And I needed to be true to myself and to honor this dream and my experience by speaking to it.

Thank you, Jerry, for working on this dream with me. Thank you for the opportunity to share. Thank you for sharing that you also had a dastardly father, for that honesty/similarity helped to give me the courage/comfort/willingness to share this truth.

Kristi

Age & Gender & Location {Required}: 53, USA

Have You Posted Before? Date of Last Post {Use Search and Your Post Name to Help Find Last Post} Yes, 12/21/2019

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Jerry,

You said: But there is a positive aspect to the last part as well {see Dream Structure}. There is an expanse of lush vegetation in your life ‘despite’ the somewhat craggy persona/personality. This is possible because you are taking the time and making a dedicated effort to excavate your deep unconscious to discover the artifacts that helped form who you are as an adult. Not there yet but on the right path

>The link you provided says this about the Lysis:

My impression of that expanse of land was "original," untouched by civilization (the workings of any man). I think here (just now) of the book titled, "Original Blessing," by Matthew Fox.

Craggy? No life is without its bump/bruises and rocky patches. Growing through the challenges of life make us "Rugged!" That is another word I equally could have chosen to describe the appearance of that expanse. It was beautifully green and fertile appearing despite some "craggy" -or- "rugged," rocky areas. And there is, in reality, much rock in our beautiful earth. Nonetheless, I have known some craggy crabbiness in me, too.

Kristi

Age & Gender & Location {Required}: 53, USA

Have You Posted Before? Date of Last Post {Use Search and Your Post Name to Help Find Last Post} Yes, 12/21/2019

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Kristi,
The artifacts in your dream would symbolize aspects you still have not let go. This may point to repression or ignoring them and/or the unconscious trying to reveal past experiences that need your attention {for healing}. We are governed by unconscious emotional energies which primarily come from childhood/early life, our foundations for personality and attitudes. This is a primary function of dreams, nature's tool to present what is out of balance emotionally so healing can take place and wholeness achieved.

Your giving attention to the father relationship is important. And needed for proper healing. Realizations occur with the inner search. Often major realizations.

Just as the body has the immune system to heal and protect
So too the psyche has the dream...both are nature's tools

Jerry

Age & Gender & Location {Required}: 69 Altoona, Fl

Kristi,
I appreciate your willingness to share your experiences. Sharing your story could be helpful for others.

Here are my observations on your response plus added analysis of your dream.

This is something I intuitively heard inside of myself over the years, yet I still looked for teachers/gurus.
-Yes, you are correct. A need to seek out teachers may be due to the lack of proper instruction in early life. Substitutions are what we do best when we attempt to replace what is lacking in life. Often it is in the form of addictions, food, drugs, entering into bad relationships, seeking others to help cope with the emotional energies.

Then, there is the aspect of seeking the spiritual to avoid the pain of life
-Many, many people look to religion to avoid the psychological pains in life. I see religion as a crux as much as any other addition. Temporary respite for psychological issues.

I have known and understood this truth and yet I have had the tendency to avoid more work.
-’Refusing the Call’. Excellent analogy. Campbell was a master at defining Jungian concepts in layman’s terms. I see my mission with dream analysis using Jungian concepts as simplifying even more the difficult language of Jung {using the intuitive nature he tapped into in developing his concepts}.

From your dream, “I see an expanse of lush vegetation over a somewhat craggy appearing earth surface”. This may be addressing your renewed energies and refreshed perspectives. There is a norm to all emotional issues that remain unresolved. They remain until there is a resolution, tug at you until you either take notice and doing something about it or become even worse as time goes own. GOVERNING emotional energies are permanent if left unheeded.

I have specific early memories of "a few" terrible things that happened in my very early life.
-This could be why the dream used the statue that was 2 ½ to 3 ft tall {as one application}
-Not being conscious of the acts

I believe my ability to do so was a saving grace, an answered prayer a mechanism of my psyche/spirit that protected me from knowledge too grave for my ego to endure at the time.
-the developing psyche has an amazing capacity to endure and survive. We all possess ‘psyche’ powers {natural, metaphysical and not magical or miraculous.

When my second sister called out for help (a second time) by telling the mother of a friend, she was confronted by our mother, who retorted, in a screaming voice, “You little ****** why do you let him do it?!”
-If your mother put the blame on your sister then you have two negative forces to deal with work through. The developing psyche is dependent on proper emotional nourishment and when both parents are at fault….life becomes very difficult.

I thank God/dess for the strong spirit life bestowed upon me.
-I put an emphasis on the Goddess. Religion is for the weak minded {which can not be helped in most cases since it is what we are raised on}. Spirituality is more objective. The earth is where we came from, the mother, nature is life giving.

This “Excavation Work” dream is one that jolted me awake, made me pay attention to its importance. Through these last two days, thanks in part to my willingness to share it here and receive your input, I was really able to see that the dream was asking me go deeper.
-Dreams will persist when all else fails. Once you elect to take the inner journey {psychologica} then you are ‘required’ to stay on that path. Either you heed the call or die a thousand deaths for not doing so.

I always estimated myself to have been 3 years old at the time.
-Another application for the number 3. A time before memories are possible yet the unconscious has recorded the experiences.

In that moment when my mother lifted me over the rail of the tub, my spirit silently shrieked in despair.
-Doesn’t speak well of your mother. Have you worked on this part of the equation?

So, here it is, Christmas Eve, and I am sharing such deep subject matter online in regard to my dreams leading me to deeper healing. Some might imagine I could be spending the time in a better way. This, however, is nurturing to my soul… is what my soul needs at this moment. And I needed to be true to myself and to honor this dream and my experience by speaking to it.
-It has been said that the best therapy is talking about what is troubling you. You are engaged in therapy and there is no better time than when you do engage. It is easy to ignore the emotional energies during the holidays but it would only be a conscious choice. Unconsciously it is still churning within needing expression.

As for the holidays and better things to do. I visited my son and his family yesterday so I could spend the day working on dreams {listening to/watching Leon Redbone on Youtube}. The past year has been a time of readjustment having sold my house in Cocoa and buying a new residence in Ocala National Forest {issues related to having so many cats and needing to be in a place where no one bothers me or them}. I had gotten away from wanting to work on dreams for many months but knew in time the desire would return. The same goes for working on my websites. Withe event of everyone using Iphones for the internet I needed to design pages to accommodate that change. It limits my ability to be creative but is necessary if I wish to be a part of the WWW.

As for the structure of dreams. Unless it is a long dream and needs to be apart of my analysis I don’t often take time to look for structure. Most long dreams are repetitive in what the primary issues are {especially when it comes to foundations} and it is not always clear where one aspect of structure begins and/or ends. Dreams don’t tend to state in clear language you should do this or do that. The last sentence in your dream states, “ I see an expanse of lush vegetation over a somewhat craggy appearing earth surface”. This is where you are at the moment and often dreams end with this type statement. Even when the lysis is looked at it is often as much as informative as it is instructive.

Have a great Christmas day. I have a chicken I need to place in the oven, the most noteworthy physical activity I have planned for today.

Jerry

Age & Gender & Location {Required}: 69 Altoona, Fl

Jerry,

I have done so much work already that, if the artifacts are indeed pointing to aspects of my past, I am, as of this moment, just not sure what they signify. It may be that there are memories from that early time of my life that seek resolution. I trust that their meaning will come clear in time.

Yes, I must apply continued attention to the father aspect.

Kristi

Age & Gender & Location {Required}: 53, USA

Have You Posted Before? Date of Last Post {Use Search and Your Post Name to Help Find Last Post} Yes, 12/21/2019

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Kristi,
I'll look at the owthre dreams you posted Sunday. Have a full day tomorrow and I work on Saturdays.

Jerry

Age & Gender & Location {Required}: 69 Altoona, Fl

I appreciate your willingness to share your experiences. Sharing your story could be helpful for others.

- "Good" if it may be helpful to others. :relaxed:

I see my mission with dream analysis using Jungian concepts as simplifying even more the difficult language of Jung

- You do a great job of making dream meaning more clear, which is a benefit to me and others.

... the developing psyche has an amazing capacity to endure and survive.

- Yes, indeed!

We all possess ‘psyche’ powers {natural, metaphysical and not magical or miraculous.

- not magical or miraculous: a very grounded and "true" way to observe the healing faculties of the psyche.

This may be addressing your renewed energies and refreshed perspectives.

- I really like that the dream gave me this perspective in light of what is clearly a large amount of work yet to be done (impassable road filled with the dirt from the excavation work).

If your mother put the blame on your sister then you have two negative forces to deal with work through. The developing psyche is dependent on proper emotional nourishment and when both parents are at fault….life becomes very difficult.

- Yes, life saw fit to give me a good share, of both the negative mother and father, but also many positives (in other regards). The initial stages of my healing journey were extremely difficult. My hope is to heal sufficiently to be able to somehow help others with similar early life difficulties. Much work has already been done, but more to go!

Spirituality is more objective. The earth is where we came from, the mother, nature is life giving.

- I agree. When I first began healing, in nature is where I wanted to be all the time.

Dreams will persist when all else fails. Once you elect to take the inner journey {psychologica} then you are ‘required’ to stay on that path. Either you heed the call or die a thousand deaths for not doing so.

- I am very glad the dreams do persist. Can you please elaborate on the thousand deaths? Does that come from Joseph Campbell?

Doesn’t speak well of your mother. Have you worked on this part of the equation?

- I have done significant work with the mother aspect. Much, much more than with the father aspect.

It has been said that the best therapy is talking about what is troubling you.

- Talking always helps me.

Another application for the number 3. A time before memories are possible yet the unconscious has recorded the experiences.

- I find it really remarkable that I had such a strong memory of that portion of the bath tub experience, both visually and viscerally.

The past year has been a time of readjustment having sold my house in Cocoa and buying a new residence in Ocala National Forest

- The Ocala National Forest sounds like a wonderful place to reside.

Withe event of everyone using Iphones for the internet I needed to design pages to accommodate that change.

- I finally joined the iPhone movement and purchased one (on my second one now) some few-several years ago, but I still much prefer to sit down at my desk top computer for internet related communications. The phone is good when on the go, though.

Have a great Christmas day. I have a chicken I need to place in the oven, the most noteworthy physical activity I have planned for today.

- Thank you for the Christmas Day wish, which I did read during my day yesterday. We actually enjoyed pizza for our get together. It is what the kids (grandchildren) like! Easy and simple (for me) and enjoyable for them.

'll look at the owthre dreams you posted Sunday. Have a full day tomorrow and I work on Saturdays.

- Thank you, Jerry. That will be helpful for me. Tomorrow, I embark on a long drive half way across the country. I worked this week (excepting yesterday and tomorrow) and am on vacation for the next week. I am taking my tablet computer with me, so will watch for the dream analysis and be able to respond when you do have the time to look at it.

Best,

Kristi

Age & Gender & Location {Required}: 53, USA

Have You Posted Before? Date of Last Post {Use Search and Your Post Name to Help Find Last Post} Yes, 12/21/2019

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