Ann was beautiful, but even more gifted than beautiful. With a Doctor's degree in Psychology, she had credentials as a musician and an actress. A scholar and athlete, she was gentle but fearless, and I was in love with her; I could deny that no more than my own breath.

One day we went to lunch and she was very sad. She was going thru a divorce, stress with her children, and battles at work. We met at work, and I'd taken her to lunch just to cheer her up, but everything I said seemed to make her feel worse. So finally I spoke my heart as nearly as I dared, and said "I know this is a hard time for you but I want you to know that you inspire me Ann; just knowing you makes me want to live a better life."

She was as tough as nails on the outside, but now she was crying. And so was I, who hadn't cried for the six years since my son died during childbirth, and not really even then.

Yet here we were, at a Shoney's salad bar (!), weeping silently as we looked into each others' eyes. I was embarrassed as I realized how incongruous the situation was.

Then came the vision.

I saw my friend's heart, her very core. And although it was dark, it was not dark in an evil sense;
rather, it was somehow just quiet, maybe sleeping. And the thinnest of lines was drawn from my heart
to hers; but how, I don't know.

Now I'm bathed in light from within, as if the light that filled me came from Ann's heart. It was the
color of sunshine, and it overwhelmed me like nothing I'd ever known. I was drowning in light and had
to look away from my own heart because I was afraid of losing control in a public place.

The next thing I know is that I've been elevated beyond space or time. My mind has become disembodied
and I can see the entire universe before me: past, present, and future. It looks like a beautiful city
when viewed from the air at night. But in this new perspective, time somehow constitutes one axis and
spatial extent another. Its beauty is terrible, breathtaking, immeasurable.

Now my perspective moves in for a closer look, and as I pause over the boundary that separates all that ever will be from the cold, resolute edge of nothingness, I am completely undone.

OK, it shook her too. Before we left the restaurant, she went into the ladies' room for ten minutes (we were less than five minutes from our office building). I told her I needed to talk about what happened but she was "busy" for a couple of weeks before she'd let me tell her about the vision.

I'd never been so unsettled in my life. I'd never had a waking vision before and haven't had one since. And I knew all about anima projection, or thought I did.

Is there evidence in this incident of a problem that needs to be addressed?

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Pryzm,
How did lunch to cheer up a friend experiencing life difficulties on several platforms “change” to a Self gratifying declaration of love? Unconsciously, perhaps, lunch was to set the stage so to place your desire and avail psychologically of a potential opportunistic opening…above her obvious needs? Make no mistake, with Ann’s credentials, psychology, musician and actor, all three requiring highly adept intuitive skills, she most likely fully understood your intimation. Hence, a person already undergoing an increased stress level was recipient of yet another layer…no wonder she required a few weeks distance to step back.

Additionally, with the past tense verb age of the post…is the friendship history?

And please note, nothing in this post is meant in a harsh manner. With posting, like email, tone and inflection are omitted so the written word can be more easily misconstrued.

Look forward to your response.

Kind regards,
Kathy

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Hi Kathy,

I could say "She started it" but it might be better if I explained a few things first. :-)

Ann and I lunched together b/c we'd been assigned to develop a recruiting strategy for the company where we worked (so we had a working lunch on a weekly basis). Her divorce was not so recent that she wasn't seeing men; in fact, she was involved in a relationship at the time of the lunch date I mentioned yesterday. And the stressful work environment (basically a very political situation) was definitely something we shared and were working together to improve.

One of my fondest memories of Ann was the way, after I told her that how she inspired me that day, she seemed gladdened and wanted to hear more. There were tears in her eyes and her voice trembled as she said, "Really? Why?", already smiling a little and inviting me to offer some more praise (which I did). If she'd not opened the door though, I don't think my heart would have unraveled that day. And I certainly would have left the remark as a simple compliment and moved on.

I hope I didn't burden her unnecessarily; she certainly did ask to hear more. And later, Ann told me she was reluctant to talk about what happened only b/c she'd never experienced a connection like that with a man, only with some of her closest friends, who were women. Of course my foolish heart melted all over again when she said that. :-)

But please let me clear about this: I didn't tell Ann I loved her (tho it eventually became obvious, I'm quite sure) until much later, and then only after she asked me how I really felt about her. Even tho I was sure she already knew (you were certainly right on about her intuitive skills), I still asked if she was sure she wanted to hear before I told her not only
that I loved her but also the reasons why (tell you later maybe). There were tears in her eyes then, and she said, "This is what I've always wanted a man to say to me." She was stunned, I think, because she said the same thing again a minute later. And the next morning she came into my office and closed the door, again with tears in her eyes, to express a fear that we'd become lovers and mess up our lives.

On a couple of occasions, Ann said to me our friendship was growing too close to be compatible with a working relationship. And both times I did what I think a friend should do in those cases: I asked her if she would like for our relationship to
become purely professional. Both times she said no, that she valued our friendship and cherished the insights we shared. But I gave her more space after the second time, and just waited for her to come see me. She often did, and we shared other moments that

were more precious than I can describe in a short note. Our friendship was never more than platonic, and led to a serious exploration of Campbell, Jung and Thomas Moore (author of Care of the Soul, a wonderful book). She told me more than once that she didn't know how to thank me for all I'd given her, but all I ever gave was the support of a friend. She had a very hard father who had passed away during the orals for her PhD, and I hope I helped her find some peace about their situation.

The understanding I gleaned from those great men leads me to wonder about your impressions. I'm technical by education (B.S., Physics, M.S., Management), and only wish I had more knowledge and intuition about the psyche. But when you referred to my actions as self-gratifying, I admit that I was surprised, so I thought I'd ask you about it.

Here's what I was wondering about. It seems to me that Freud had a tendency to interpret symbols (that Jung and others came to refer to as archetypal) as evidence of infantile longing. Jung, as I understand him, found Freud's approach too reductionist, and also too strongly rooted in a focus on the past. To Jung (and I know I'm not qualified to express an opinion but I still agree with my whole heart) found that the symbol always points us in a direction toward wholeness. Maybe I could properly say that Jung found a symbol's teleology more important than its origin.

I know that Campbell often said (in Hero With a Thousand Faces, for example) that the path to "enlightenment" involves crossing through the veil that is comprised of the polar opposites (Jason and the Symplegades is a mythological example that comes to mind). Crossing through this veil requires the death of one's ego and leads to a second birth. I realize I'm not only paraphrasing here, but also expressing my own certainly limited understanding of his thoughts.

But even today I see light and dark, self and other, time and eternity, and even being and nothingness, as some of the pairs of opposites expressed in my vision (I recall reading that the Buddha said, about Nirvana: "It both exists and does not exist; neither exists nor does not." This certainly fits in well with my understanding of quantum mechanics, by which theory all matter is comprised of particles that are blinking into and out of existence all the time.)

And I really did seem to drown/die in the vision; only then did I "move" beyond space and time. Jung talks at some length in a paper about the relationship between art and analytical psychology, that some critics tend to reduce works of art by focusing on the infantile heritage of humanity, whereas he favored a more teleological approach. If I understood him correctly in that paper, he found it more fruitful to focus on where the symbols in a work of art pointed in the direction of the future than the past.

I'd rather look at the whole experience as a forward-tending moment, but if you think it's primarily infantile (I believe infantile tendencies are present in every person so they certainly exist in me, and in my most transcendental moments) then I want to re-evaluate it.

One day Ann told me she'd met the man she thought she'd marry. Politics led the end of the company and I was laid off; I had to move out of state to find work, and later I heard that Ann had married. We lost touch with each other during all those changes in our lives.

I'm now married also, but our friendship is still a treasure to me. And I'm writing a story for her that I plan to send her when I'm finished, if I can find her. :-)

Thanks for your insights. I'd appreciate any others you'd care to offer!

Pryzm

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Hi Pryzm,
Thank you for your enlightening response and patience with a much delayed response on this end. Sharing your thoughts, knowledge and life experience significantly enhances and supports the work of others at the Forum.

To begin, I have no personal experience with waking visions. For me, personal experience affords an insight, or depth of understanding, to an experience that can only be obtained through the experience. An inner relatedness through experience…To experience is to know, to look from the outside in, leaves much unknown. I feel I do not possess knowledge sufficient to comment other than to ‘theorize’. While I have experienced three specific dreams, each contained aspects of a vision, I have yet to determine the exact nature or classification of these experiences. Because they were (sleeping) dreams I do not think of them as visions as defined by Jung.

The opening of Self to that deep, intimate connection, on a Psyche level rather than merely conscious level, could stimulate creation and reception of an intensity of experience which enable the vision. This opening of Self could act as the catalyst in opening to the greater existence, that without space or time. Only theory…based on personal experience through one of the above mentioned dreams.

Your clarification to the nature of the relationship with your friend adds much to the original post. Perhaps I should have requested such. I read the post to indicate Ann was: in the midst of a divorce; no prior indication/signals from Ann in anything other than a professional and platonic relationship; that prior to lunch you possessed knowledge of your love for her. Divorce being an emotionally difficult situation for all involved combined with your fore knowledge of love for her, I wondered what unconscious product was in motion in this situation. Thus my question and drawing to self gratification. Still, I again question what unconscious product is evident in this relationship?

If I comprehend correctly, Freud attributed nearly all aspects of personality development, or lack of, to the earliest stage of life while Jung recognized continual development of Self occurs throughout the entire lifetime as the function of the Psyche toward wholeness.

In my understanding of Jungs’ Process of Individuation (by no means thorough so please feel free to add your knowledge) conscious participation in developing wholeness initially involves examination and resolution of past experiences/injuries. The unconscious dictates arise, are brought to consciousness, to resolve negative issues residing within. Like building a pyramid, foundations and successive levels are built, each supporting the next. Issues are presented in stages by the unconscious when the Psyche is equipped to address and resolve. The conscious expends or devotes much to life past and present, seeking, examining, learning, etc. The conscious through repetitive cycles addresses and resolves past and new issues. Necessary, and forward tending, however past must be viewed and resolved first to attain a level focused on future. In my thoughts, it is beyond the initial stages of Self work, when consciousnesses itself develops, that forward tending uniformly resides at the conscious level.

I appreciate your feedback and depth of knowledge. Please respond with any additional thoughts. Please note I’m in the process of moving, so again my response may be delayed.

Kind regards,
Kathy

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