I've had several gay dreams in the last six months. For the last nearly 30 years I have sought out numerous anonymous sexual encounters with men. In these encounters, I am only focused on the genitals.

I am 18 years into my second marriage, the first being 11 years. I have 3 children. I've struggled with this issue forever it seems.

Here is a synopsis of my gay dreams in the last several months:

1. I'm in a sailboat talking to a man who is speaking eloquently about spiritual things. I want to kiss him but don't.

2. I'm in bed with a slight acquaintence (someone I've done some business with). We start to have consensual sex and he gets up and says he has to go because he's going to cum too fast and it's only 8 o'clock.

3. I'm in my childhood house in our family room and the room is filled with people. I am blowing another man and he says that I am very good doing it, but we keep getting interrupted and I can't finish him off which I want to do. I am very frustrated about this. No one in the room appears to care that I am doing this.

4. I am watching gay porn and a man in the movie is performing oral sex on another man who begins to cum. All of a sudden, I am placed in the movie performing the oral sex. But the man's penis is now very small, almost like a toy.

Whoa. This issue has plagued me to no end and is a serious threat to my marriage. Briefly, I had a father that was insensitive, emotionally unavailable, and a mother who used me as her emotional surrogate because of her poor relationship with my father. She also bad-mouthed him to me frequently, and had a generally negative view of men.

Am I gay? Bi?

Age & Gender & Location {Required}: 53 wyoming

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Hal,
Your dreams seem to focus on sex which is an indication your life does also. Excluding the graphic descriptions of sex in your dreams are also focusing on fighting the sexual desires in your waking life. Morally you question your sexuality but your problem is much deeper than that. I get the impression you are losing the battle. Either it is your attitude that prevents you from refraining from these sexual desires or you are indeed gay living a life in the closet.

The sexual explicit parts of your dream seems to also be addressing these concerns but with a fear of not being able to complete the task or raising questions about whether you should engage in such activities. These probably go back to your battle over your sexual attitudes and/or sexual orientation.

The question about your sexual preferences can only be answered by you. There is a reason why you seek out men for sex. Either you prefer the company of men over women {and are gay} or there are deep psychological issues that push you to look for an emotional substitute through sex. That could be a result from your described childhood where love and acceptance from parents wasn't there.

I've known and spoken to many gay and bi men {and women} over the past 10 years {my first real encounter with gays was when I started seeking spiritual nourishment in the Unity church in 1996, seeking out my spiritual Self}. I believe most men who call themselves bi-sexual are actually closet gays, and most are married. If you are homosexual I believe in almost instances you will come to know it.
Most gay men I knew said they knew they were gay early on. Of course accepting that fact may take longer for some to realize but in most cases I believe they suspect by their late teens.

I am a Darwinist and I believe as in all of nature there are the variations. There are bi-sexual men and women who can engage with either sex. The feminien/masculine balance varies from individual to individual. I believe those who can successfully engage in bi-sexuality would have to have very strong personalities and will. Its the emotions that cause us the most conflicts in life and a weak emotional state of mind could never survive the tole such relationships will cause.

The problem, and probably harm, where there should be concern is being married and having extra-martial sex. I know from experience how such activities in a hetersexual relationship can cause so much hurt to those you care about, family, children. It is no different in any type relationship. You mention your concern. How strong, and important is your marriage? How much hurt will there be involved if things 'get' out?

One aspect of Jungian spychology addresses and supports the spiritual aspect of the human psyche. It also points to the need to be that true self and not live a life of lies. One of your dreams includes your spirituality. That part should be given much consideration. The harm that it could cause if your wife should discover your secret, you have to consider those consequences.

Be damn if you do, be damn if you don't. Sooner or later something will have to give. If you are gay and and can not live as a hetersexual, then you have to make that decision. Some people could never do that. But sometimes it can be done and is the best thing to do. If the damage to your life and marriage would be less by giving up extra martial sex and being faithful to your partner, and you 'can' still live a contented life by being in the closet, that would probably be the best scenario. I've met men who have. But I believe too few stay faithful. But that is your decision, and unfortunately your delima.

Gerard

Age & Gender & Location {Required}: 56 Murfreesboro, Tn.

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Hi Hal

the last part of you post is relavant - you have great insight and are able to articulate how the relationship of your parents affected you ,,, this speaks of great self inquiry already. What you describe fits with what jung called the 'puer aeternis' - the eternal youth, the eternal boy (and there is it's feminine equivalent).
There was no feeling in the household and there was no masculine role model for you - indeed the masculine in these situations is often portrayed as something to be feared and it is likely that your father feared his own masculinity. And if the masculine is distorted / not in balance with the feminine ,,, there will be compensation by the feminine ,,,,

Part of this is the difference between the mother archetype (as unconditional nurturer) and mother complex (who always wants something ,,, control,,, conditional love).

So in the dreams you are the one trying to climax the other - there is no balance. Are you a 'Mr Fix-It'? seeking balance all the time; subjugating your self (your own masculinity) for the sake of harmony, peace, no disruption.
Is your mother still alive ?
The oral sex also stops you expressing yourself ,,, your mouth is full. Your feminine aspect is right open ,,,
There is another more subtle aspect to this - and it relates to control. You can be, unconsciously, using your openness, and good nature (I am assuming that people who meet you think you are a really nice guy) to hide parts of yourself that you assume they won't approve of ,,,

lots of food for thought ,,,,, hope I haven't crammed it into you
all the best
Justin

Age & Gender & Location {Required}: 48 Sydney Australia

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