I had a really bad bad episode last night and to be honest do not know what happened. I just know at one point I was crying on the floor in the bathroom, at one point I smashed my fist into the closet door breaking it and I came really close to hitting my 15 year old. I feel like I am falling apart girls. I am scared and not quite sure what to do. It is almost as if my fears are happening in small pieces. I do have an appointment with my counselor on Thursday but all of today and tomorrow before then.
This really really angry part is so so ugly and scary and I feel like I am a rally bad mom and not sure how much I traumatized my sons.

Hi Debra! I read on the other post that you started this one.
I'm so sorry that you had such a bad episode and I know how scary they can be especially when you don't understand the purpose for it.
I'm glad that you were able to resist hitting your child but I know exactly how that feels and how scary that is too.
I wonder what triggered the angry part? I would like to tell you how important that part is, it probably got through a lot of "crap" that none of you could have handled. When I've gone through this with our "Nyetta" I found that she was just as scared and traumatized as the rest of us.
"Our" angry parts (we have more than one) does not mean to be angry, they just didn't know any other way to react "but" to be angry, that was what they were created for. We have since introduced all of our angry parts to Jesus and alot of our nicer, more pleasant parts began to share their emotions with the angry parts and now after eleven years of therapy our angry parts have taken on new jobs within the system and have learned how to be more pleasant and much nicer.
How was your session on Thursday? Were you able to work on the angry part? It takes a long time because like I say, these angry parts have been just as victimized as the rest of the alters.
Has your T. tried to help you begin to break down the barriers between any of the alters?
Anyway I'm so sorry that you have to go through all of the issues, emotions and memories but believe me if you stick to it, it will be so worth it in the end.
Sending those pretty sparkles your way again!
Have a wonderful eveing and tomorrow!
Candy

This is something I posted on another board on Thursday after I got home:
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Thursday I went back to the counselor I have been seeing for the last 1.5 yrs. It went better than the last meeting. At least I could look her in the eye. She is trained in prayer ministry but I am not sure she trusts it. She said it is subjective and was cautioning me to be sure that I am grounded in the Word. This is a good suggestion and I appreciate it.

The whole idea of DID for her I think according to my swiss cheese brain understanding of what she said is that we are all made up of parts. We all disassociate. WE all benefit from learning about each part of us.
What she didn't do was tell me how to do that and she doesn't see me in particular with having separate distinct ID's. I left there feeling a little sad and confused.

She is the professional. If she doesn't see what I am seeing especially as what I see during theophostic prayer then what?

I am afraid I am bringing more harm to my system by trying to see the distinct parts...but on the other hand what choice do I have? I saw this 12 year old, Bethany, my little protector/guard so clearly but do I have to see her as an ID maybe she is just a younger version of me. Darn it! Of course she is me!

I am sad that the counselor doesn't see me. She doesn't see me and will not acknowledge me and that makes me really sad. ( that is Bethany right there just in case ya were'nt sure.)

So how does Debra progress? How do I go forward? Stick with just theophostic which is what my husband wants me to do.
But it brings up so many questions? I want help. I want someone to help me process it all. But this counselor isn't willing to see it like I do. So do I find someone who will?

Can you see my conflict? I am so tired of living in this conflict.

There is also a huge part of me that wants to chuck the whole idea and just let it go. Stop trying to listen to any other distinct part. "Shut them down, keep then quiet, they are not really important anyway" but they are and I know that now and I just do not see how I can go back.
::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::

Then this is from Friday, what a difference a day makes.

I have some happy news to report:

Today during my theo session my little protector/guard the one I have told ya'll about...she had a really great experience with Jesus.

It took a lot of getting to it and a lot of hesitation on her part to trust him.

But this is what I saw.

This part of me, the 12 year old Bethany, knows the bible says that the Lord is not out to harm me. She was afraid though that if she trusted this Jesus then she may disappear. She was/is so tired of being so responsible for so much and she just wanted someone to take care of her for a chance. She was feeling jealous too of the little one that she saw Jesus unbind and place to sleep peacefully in the cradle. (this happened last week) She didn't understand how that little one could just trust him so easily.

At one point I felt like I was telling her "I trust Jesus and he does not take control of me." Somehow she felt that if she trusted him he would overpower her and take over and that she would not be needed anymore. She was/is stubborn in that way. Tired as all get out but stubborn... feeling that she is the only one who can do what she does... or that no one else will do it so she has to. Then it dawned on her that even with all she is doing it isn't working well anyway. There is still so much conflict. Gradually she realized that she would not disappear if she trusted him.

I have become aware in the past few weeks that she is fond of stars. I have a number of them in my room now especially for her. (Candi I think she likes sparkles too... but then that could be someone a bit younger)

Well as the session went on I saw Jesus there with her. He had a star, like a badge and she hesitantly allowed him to lean down and pin a star onto her shirt. I heard her say "so he is not mad at me?" In some way she blamed herself for the other little baby having been bound. Then as he held his arms out she allowed him to embrace her. I could sense her laying her head on his chest the tears running down her face. She looked up to him and questioned "Is it going to be okay?" His answer was "Yes, it is going to be okay."

I know she has to grow and allow Jesus to nurture her but for now she is just resting in his embrace.

--------------------
So this is where I am today. I am not sure I will even go back to the first counselor again.


Debra

Wow Debra, that is a wonderful piece of work that you all are doing! May I ask if the counselor has taught you how to go in and talk to Jesus like that or is this something that you all have discovered that you could do on your own?
Our "Inner Helper" (not to be confused with an alter) is Jesus and when we have problems or need comforting, we go straight to him inside for peace and answers as well.
Now about your counselor, I'm concerned that maybe you and your system might be confused as to how you should go on with counseling with her. It sounds like you are not sure what she wants and expects out of you all.
First thing is, you should not be expected to go through therapy for the counselor and to please him/her in order to get help. If she does not believe in MPD/DID (and you have MPD/DID) then you absolutely need a couselor who both believes that it is a real diagnosis and also will not try to manipulate your thought process (by swaying you one way or another).
The counselor/therapist should take "your" cue as to what you believe.
I think it's great that she is a Christian counselor, I wouldn't go to anyone who wasn't Christian (but that's just me).
I think I would give this a lot of thought before you do anything because it would be so tragic if you were to stop seeing her and then come to find out you may have misunderstood what she was getting at. On the other hand you certainly do not want a counselor who tries to encourage your opinions and beliefs to match her own, this is your mind that we're talking about, not hers. Does that make sense?
I hope this helps, if not then throw some more questions out there!
I'll be checking in every now and then!
Have a wonderful evening and tomorrow!
Sending pretty sparkles and lots of stars your way!
Candy

Oh yea, yes she is so right, we all have parts however for a person with MPD/DID each part is usually totally amnesiac to the rest of the parts, causing a lot of confusion and loss of time. People who do not suffer with MPD/DID do not loose time like we do. The "BIG" issue with MPD/DID is that usually when we become adults and don't need the defense mechanism anymore, we become even more confused and it begins to disrupt our lives.
It's much different than when we were children and young adults where we absolutely needed all of our alters simply to survive from minute to minute in alot of cases (like mine).
For people who are not MPD/DID they have the luxury of dissociating like when they have been working so hard at their desk or other duties and their mind simply must dissociate (alot of time for only minutes or seconds). When they dissociate "like that" it is more of a "rest" period or "coffee break" for the mind if you will.
Another circumstance that a person who is not multiple uses "their parts" is when they switch from happy to sad and to anger. The difference is that their happy part "knows" how that "sad" part feels and can even contact that "sad" part. And the Angry part is always aware of how it feels to be happy.
ON the other hand a multiples angry part does not know any other emotion but anger and does not know how to contact or even get in touch with "happy or sad etc...." because there is a wall of amnesia built between each "part-alter-emotion".
So she is right about all of us having different parts but the "disorder" in Dissociative Identity "disorder" is that we begin to suffer with our disorder even more in adulthood when we are free of danger and we feel comfortable and safe for the first time in our lives.
Hope this helps!
Candy

k found the other thread... talk to u guys laters!!!
HUGS
stephanie

I do not have time to really reply now but should mention that the Thursday is withthe professional counselor and the Friday theophostic session is with a different person facilitating the prayer.

Hey Steph!! Glad to see you.

Deb

The theophostic prayer is facilitated by a gal named LO. This is kind of like listening prayer or asking the Lord to reveal His truth to whatever. The thing is that lots of time what happens is the person being prayed with reveals or remembers a memory and talks about it. Then the faciltator asks the Lord to reveal what is true about what the one praying believes and essentially what is a lie.
So what is happening with me is the different parts of me are "speaking up" and LO is very used to dealing with DID and is able to help by the questions she asks. She is a DID survivor herself.

So you asked did i think this praying up on my own? Sort of and sort of she helps me. Now was that clear?

Ok I will get back later i have to go now.

So is there a tie we could all meet up to chat?

Tonight? say 10 pm est??

Deb

I just wanted to say that I don't have amnesia completely I guess you could say. But my emotions are split off like Candy was saying. Especcially the anger emotion. I just thought I'd share. Sorry to intrude on ya'll's convo.

Hey Steph (NTOO)

You are not intruding. Welcome Welcome!!!!

Debra

Hey Steph! You're not intruding at all! I'm glad that we're both telling Debra about how our systems work. I think it's very important for everybody to know that even though we have the same condition, our systems operate very differently.
Debra, can I ask a question? When you said that you went inside to talk to Jesus are you saying that you pray to Jesus or are you saying that you "imagine Jesus in your head and have conversations with him". Hmmmm now I'm wondering if there's a difference? I never even thought about that!
When I pray I do visualize Jesus! And when I'm having troubles, I "go in" and talk to Jesus but I think for me at least it feels different. Well I just got myself to thinking! Oh my goodness, thinking for me is not always good LOL LOL LOL!!!
Guess it's time for me to make a shrink visit LOL.
Sending sparkles!
Candy

Candy asked me "Debra, can I ask a question? When you said that you went inside to talk to Jesus are you saying that you pray to Jesus or are you saying that you "imagine Jesus in your head and have conversations with him". Hmmmm now I'm wondering if there's a difference? I never even thought about that!
When I pray I do visualize Jesus! And when I'm having troubles, I "go in" and talk to Jesus but I think for me at least it feels different."

Candy as far as I know I am praying. Each time I have seen anyone on the inside I have been in prayer but LO did say something about it maybe being an alter inside that is letting me hear her. Whereas I thought I was hearing God "talking" to me. So I suppose I don't have an answer for you just yet.

It "feels" like I am seeing a visual that God is showing me because I am asking him to reveal it but it may just be what is inside of me and he is allowing or helping me to finally see it.

I hope I have not added too much confusion here.

Debra


Stephanie (The Other One) how are you? You have been quiet.

Steph (NTOO) I am glad you are here.

Debra

HI Debra, I think I was asking because I'm a little confused about when "I" go in and "talk to Jesus". I kind of wondered how you saw it! Sometimes I feel like I'm just sitting by Jesus and asking him questions and I do wonder whether I'm praying. I guess maybe I am praying when I see him inside. Does that make sense? I also think I tend to confuse my own self when I get to thinking too deep like that LOL.
Have a wonderful day!
Candy

just wanted to say hi i hope you dont mind i live in belfast northern ireland and i too have DID it stinks at times as i feel just the way debra feels and im afraid im goin to loose my friends if the angry ones keep this up would like to chat if thats ok thanx liz

hey liz....
i know that ur always welcomed to talk here... candy is a total sweety...
i too have DID... it aint always easy.. sometimes u do wish that u was "normal".... like normal truley exists anyways
candy im sorry i havent been around.. been having some tough times this way.. i hope u and debra are doing good... miss talking to u guys!!!!
anyways.. HUGS
stephanie (the other one )

Hi Stephanie! It's good to hear from you! Don't worry I've been really busy lately, I don't know if I told you all but I had the opportunity to go on a weekend retreat with ten other ladies and my therapist at a Bed and Breadkfast a couple of weeks ago.
It was fabulous, lots of meditating, good tears and meeting other ladies with the same interests (but not the same diagnosis at all).
I have to share this with you, I walked up to the water and sat with three other of the ladies and this pretty golden colored butterfly with black dots and a beautiful velvet light blue back sat on my shoulder. He stayed there for at least a good minute but maybe longer. It was the perfect ending to a perfect restful weekend for sure.
Just thought I'd share!
Have a wonderful day!
Candy

cool candy!!! glad to hear about ur trip:)
stephanie