Hi y'all. I'm new here. I'm looking for a new place for support and insight, and don't know if y'all can help or not. Part of why I don't know if you can help is because a lot of my problem has to do with being mistreated by a multiple...and I don't want to come across and not being understanding about her issues or anything, and I'm not sure if this is a place where y'all are willing to talk about problems like this. If not, I'll understand...I don't want to infringe on anyone's safe space here. Here's a quick summary of my situation:

I am a survivor of emotional and sexual abuse from my childhood. I'm just now realizing that I haven't fully dealt with my issues, and I'm therefore taking a closer look at myself. For the past 10 years, however, I've been supporting people with DID. Most of the relationships I've formed have been good, with one exception. About 6-7 years ago I agreed to be this one multiple's surrogate mum. I'll call her "K." K is a survivor of ritualized abuse and mind control. She lives across the ocean from me, so we don't see each other often...most of our communication is online and telephone. Even though I agreed to take on the role of "mum," she has always been the one in control and has not let me be a mum except by giving her all the nurturing and attention she never got while growing up. I spent the first 4-6 years trying to do this, and even though she was regularly abusive to me (emotionally), I put up with it with the hope that if I could just provide a stable enough foundation for her, she could heal. Eventually, though, because of my own abuse issues that I hadn't dealt with, I began becoming overwhelmed (to the point of having to add new meds to feel stable), and I began becoming extremely defensive, withdrawing emotionally, and losing my temper in our conversations. This is very unlike my normal interaction style, and I feel ashamed to say that I began treating her so badly. The way I see it, no matter how abusively she treated me, there's no excuse to treat her badly in return.

Anyway, I had reached out for support in another group I was in, without mentioning her name, but at least some of them knew her and figured out who I was talking about. One of the people has been in communication with me and is basically accusing me of abusing my power in our relationship (by reaching a point of losing my temper, by sharing with her again and again that I can't deal with the way she treats me, and by reaching out to other survivors for support, from what I'm understanding). I can see that I've made some mistakes and have not treated her well the past couple years, and I own that. I'm actively working on my issues now so that I can heal my issues that kept me from drawing boundaries from the beginning to protect myself, and led to me eventually becoming so defensive that I became self-absorbed. Because the person I'm in communication with already seems to have a biased view based on herself being multiple and so she's going to side with K, I'm looking for some objective people who don't know either me or K to help me pick apart where my responsibilty is, and where K's is. I want to own my part, but I don't want to take on responsibility for her choices too...because that would be just as unhealthy as what I've been doing up until now when I was basically blaming her and not owning my own part at all.

If any of you feel able to help me sort this out, I would greatly appreciate it. If not, I understand and will be on my way in search of another place to work this out. Feel free to ask questions, and if appropriate, I will share more details later.

Peace,
T

Hi T.! I certainly understand your position in this matter because since I'm the owner of MPD/DID a Legitimate Diagnosis I talk with a lot of survivors and want to help them all so very much. But it is important for you to take care of yourself.
If you have not been educated and trained to treat survivors in a therapeutic direction then all you can do is to support other survivors.
When ever a survivor writes to me I try to reply to the very first email and explain that I am not a physician or a therapist of any kind and all I can do is to be here to listen to there stories and offer as much support as I possibly can.
It's very important for the survivor to understand that you are there for them as much as you can be but you also have issues and the survivor should respect your limits.
I do not offer any group settings on my site because I cannot protect each individual with monetoring any boards so I do this strictly anonomously. This way I can offer my support and the survivor can take what they want and leave the rest.
It sounds to me that you have this ladies best interest at heart but remember that you need to take care of you first. If you don't, you will have troubles supporting others who need you as well.
If you'd like to talk more about this in confidence please feel free to write to me. Maybe together you and I can find a balance in there that will help you in the future, who knows I could learn alot from you as well.
Take care and please write more, if not here then by email.
Have a wonderful day!
Candy