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I know this is a strange question. I do not black out; when I think I'm in an alter state I am fully aware, though my surroundings are foggy, and I feel detached from reality.
There have been many dx; only 2 therapists agree that I might be MPD.
When I was growing up, the abuse was so intense and thorough, I was so alone. Created friends in my mind. Thing is, these imaginary friends never go away. When I'm stressed, they are very invasive. I cannot tell you what they say, don't remember. All I can say is they change. They are usually people I know that I am imagining speaking with, sometimes celebrities I may have seen or heard, but that doesn't last long, maybe a few weeks.
I do recall once when I was little, speaking in a different dialect. I was slapped, and told not to talk like that. Not unusual to be slapped or hit and yelled at for talking, even breathing when I had a cold. I did it again 20 some years later, on the phone with an emotionally/spiritually/sexually abusive boyfriend. I changed my dialect 3x, one was a southern drawl, another was british accent, another was..........I don't know. I was aware of my surroundings, the conversation. I remember him saying always changing. I got scared.
Whenever I have been in a traumatic situation since a teenager, I tend to get very angry for long periods. I don't take it out on the person who hurt me, the anger exchange takes place in my imagination, or I spout out at friends. This lasts for a period of several months, depending on the type of trauma. And has cost me some friends. After all, when one is always spouting off about someone who hurt you, I guess it might be kind of scary. lol. I just withdraw now, and have one friend I talk to about things that are bothering me. I'm wondering, if this anger is an alter that is speaking because I don't. It lasts for so very long, though, is very uncomfortable (I hate being angry, it accomplishes nothing and I feel icky)
Just throwing out thoughts here, because I really don't know what is going on. Not certain what to think; I know I have been dx'd with several things in the past, and the only one that's cropped up more than once is MPD. Because of the 'people' in my head, the anger, confused thoughts and speech, I was dx'd with something different, but the treatment didn't help and made me worse. I've learned better than to see a T right after a traumatic event!
None of my alters are good at anything except getting angry. lol. There are no hidden talents I am aware of. I am pretty good at messing things up though. Very forgetful, but not for a long period of time. If I'm stressed, (especially after a traumatic event) I can't remember what I am doing, get very confused and disorientated, get lost easily and it takes awhile before I can remember what to do, but I know where I am and where I am supposed to be. When I would work before, I often forgot what my duties were and would sit there trying to figure it out. lol! Sometimes ask my boss if there was any work for me, and they would tell me to do something but I didn't remember how, or what they were talking about. So, eventually, I was looking for another job. lol. Could this be MPD or some form of dissasociative disorder? It seems for awhile I was around some really great people from a prayer group, and my memory improved so very much I even started teaching at the group and did some other forms of ministry, different from cleaning up the church. Felt good to use my brain and feel smart, but the good people that were there, well, they left..............then I was date raped and (I call them the mean people) the people that were left in the ministries I was heavily involved in accused me of.........and treated the boyfriend like he was a saint. then pushed me out of the ministries. They were awful, and my only support system. I began slipping again, and forgetting alot, couldn't hold a conversation very well anymore. I'm still in slip-state. lol.
Does anyone have a clue here what is going on? I have a new therapist now, but I am afraid to tell her everything. I do not respond well to medications; I have the bad side affects with nary a good one to help me through, so I don't want to be coaxed into taking meds. I need to know what is going on so it can be treated and I can move on with my life.
thanks!
No cant tell you what is going on with you. no one on line can tell you whether or not you have Dissociative Identity Disorder which is Multiple Personality Disorder. Only a psychiatrist in your local area can tell you this through special testing process. There is no medicine for specifically for DID, so you dont have to worry about that.
not saying you arent DID because I cant diagnose you but one thing does stand out to me in your post and thats that you dont lose time. to be DID you have to lose time sometimes. there is two diagnostic criteria for DID that is about losing time. That criteria is listed in a book called the Diagnostic Statistical Manual 4th Edition Text Revised. One of those is that you have the inability to recall important personal information that cannot be explained by normal forgetfullness. And the other is that you have two or more distinct alters with thier own way of thinking, and being and other stuff.
What that means is that you experience time loss - you switch into alters and dont know what is going on when you are those alters. To be DID you have to have at least two of these kind of alters that you switch into and dont know what is going on when you are those alters, so that you dont remember important personal things that went on in your life time like your sisters wedding, the birth of your child, moving to a new town, you dont remember that person in the grocery store that came up to you and started talking to you. You dont remember these things because you switched into an alter that fits another diagnostic criteria of being distint (unlike any other alters and dont share memories and information with the host and other alters) and enduring (remaining the same, never changing, the same behavours, manerisms, language skills every time you switch into this alter). Another diagnostic criteria is that the switching and having alters is not because you use alcohol and drugs or have another mental disorder or physical problem that may be causing them..
Im not saying you cant have alters where you can watch what is going on. you can but you also have to have the kind of alters where you dont remember or know what happened when you were those alters.
You can find out for sure if you are now or still DID by asking a psychiatrist for testing for DID.
there is other dissociative disorders where you feel like you are numb and just watching things going on around you. thats called depersonalization.
also wanted to add that another diagnostic criteria is "Note in children , the symptoms are not attributable to imaginary playmates or fantasy play"
what that means is that the alters are not created as imaginary friends that children normally invent as playmates because they are an only child or their siblings wont play with them and so on. alternate personalities associated with DID are created due to and during traumatic experiences when children imagine that they are somewhere else other than there with the abuser being abused and they imagine that the abuse is happening to someone else. Then the alter has the memories of the abuse and reacts from the abuse and the child that imagined that they were safe somewhere else does not remember the abuse so they can go on living as if nothing happened to them. some people have alters that play because they were abused while they were playing but none of my alters play. they cry, they scream, they suck their thumbs, masterbate shy away from people and a couple even pee their pants out of fear from what they know and remember.
how old are you ??? how long have you been in therapy???
Hi, Iam In full agreement with Kathrine, If you had MPD DID you would NOThave any recall at all.The alters in your head would not be your playmates. as you discribe them
Take care annie I think Kathrine said it best and is most likely correct
Hi there anne. Thanks for agreeing with me but please lets be clear here. SOME people with DID do not have any recall, SOME do. What I stated was that you have to lose time sometimes. Its one of the diagnostic criteria that if you are DID you will be forgetful beyond the normal level of forgetfulness. what that means is you will not remember some things from when you dissociated so when you are fully aware you dont remember meeting people who you have met when you were an alter, you wont remember what happened as that alter. BUT with DID there is a term called co consciousness. what that is is when a person with DID can be semi aware while they are an alter. some people discribe it like a feeling of being behind the alter and watching as the alter is talking, and doing things.
like I was saying in the above posts I wasnt saying you cant have the type of alters where you know what is going on but in DID people they lose time. losing time is not knowing what happened during a space of time that you are an alter.
Some people who are DID have no co consciousness where they have dissociative amnesia (dont know what happened)
some people have some co consciousness where they do know some of what happened while being that alter.