Hi, again thankyou KATE for reaching out to me.I still can not understand why my ex husband who shared a very special life with me

at less than 1ft away from me and not appear to know me? could it be possible that he REALLY does NOT remember being married to me? Then who was my husband? Could he ever come back as he was more or less? He called our house repeating hellio hello and then asked for himself..IF I called him would he even know me? I do not want to risk that he cant remember me as he was the love of my life.Could he be gone away in his head forever? Also note tha the returned to his perpsWhy would some one return to their abuser? Could be under diressand threats..,Stockedholmed like patty hearst1979 or so
Please help me to let go of the fact that he is most likely gone away forever, like a death yet the body goes on and so does my grieving help thanks annie

going to take your post one step at a time so that it will be easier for you to understand and me answer your question.

Do I think he could have been stockholmed. No. I dont call the normal parent child bond stock holming. Stockholming is where the person has no bond, interest and relationship to the abuser and then over time develops a caring sometimes a love affair with the person. a paretn and child they bond from birth. and that natural bonding from birth continues to grow and lasts. even new born babies who have no idea what is abusive or not will prefer the abusive parent over someone else. many abused children in foster care programs cry for and want and greive for their parents regardless of the abuse they went through. The parnet child bonding is like an instinct.

Stock holming is like a person who is abused by a stranger or acquaintence that for the victim there is no caring, love and so forth for. and then during the abuse and time spent with the perpetrator the victim over the course of time they are wiuth the perpetrator they start to think of the perpetrator as maybe this person isnt so bad and maybe if I act like I like him I will survive this and then that becomes more real over time of the person actually coming to believe that the person is an ok person and some with stock holm snydrome fall in love and marry their rtapists and abusers.

Children who have been kidnapped develop stock holm syndrom where when rescued they dont believe the person they have lived with for months or years really hurt them. they belive their abusers/kidnappers took care of them and kept them safe from others.

Patty Hearst was kidnapped and then over the course of time when she was forced to comit crimes with her kidnappers fell in love with one of her kidnappers.

this type of thing is totally different than the parent child bond where your husband was born to his parents and bonded with his parents since birth and that bond continued to grow naturally.

I cant answer why your husband chose to go back to his parents after the divorce. you will need to ask him why he did that. I can tell you though that many many people who get divorced regardless of mental disorder do need other places to stay than with their ex spouses and do go back to their parents for a time if their parents are alive. simpley because by staying with their parents they dont have to worry about paying rent, buying food and so on for a bit. they can take the time that they need to process the fact that they are now a single person not a couple not husband and wife. Their responsibilities and life style now has to change. instead of putting the wife first because the wife or husband is now ex wife or ex husband. the newly divorced person now must put their self first and learn how to live and take care of their self instead of putting the spouse first and caring and loving the spouse. You're ex husband needs time to adjust to being single again just like you do. since you didnt have to go live with someone else Im assuming that in the divorce settlement you got the family home and so your ex husband had to find somewhere else to live. in this case he chose his parents maybe because he had no other person he could live with while he got his self together or maybe his parents offered, but in any case you need to find a way to move on for yourself and learn to be single again just like your ex husband is doing. some people can make this transition from married to single again relatively easy and dont need professional help to do it and others do. If you feel you cant do this on your own then maybe its time to open the phone book and set yourself up with a therapist or psychiatrist who can help you process the divorce and so on.

Still having a hard time understanding why your ex husband doesnt remember you when he is an alter --

think of it this way--

right now you are in October 16 2008. What would it be like to you if you were suddenly transported into the year 2050?

Right now in the frame of mind you are in right now is what you know about today, and your momories of what is going on today. But you have no idea what 2050 is about. you havent met anyone from 2050 so you cant know who these new people are that are living in 2050. say in 2050 you remarried and have 15 great grand children but right now in october 16 2008 do you know the names of your spouse you are married to in 2050 and the names of your great grand children that are in 2050? no because right now you are in october 16 2008 and 2050 for you hasnt happened yet.

thats what its like to be DID. you have separated pieces of memories that are stuck in that time and place of when that memory was stored. and when you are an alter sometimes all you know is what is contained with in that piece of memory called an alter.

Since for your ex husband cant remember who you are when he is dissociated then for him it is like you being transported to the year 2050. he is acting out the memory of (just picking a year here out of the hat) 1979 where to him it is 1979 not 2008. for you its 2008 but for him its the past time and date of whatever the memory that is contained within the alter that he has switched into.

Some people have all alters where its like this where they dont know anything of the present when they are an alter.

Some people only have a few of these type of alters and have other alters where they know what has gone on as that alter and know the present too.

and some people only have two of these type of alters. and all the rest are where they know what has gone on as that alter and know the present too.

I dont know any other way to explain it to you. so if you still are having trouble with why your ex husband doesnt know you when he is an alternate personality you are going to need to discuss it with him and or a therapeutic professional in your local area who can explain it to you on your specific level of understanding.

Could he ever come back as he was more or less? DID starts in childhood with the first abuse situation that goes beyond what that child can endure and feels like their life is in danger.. it doesnt just suddenly appear like a cold one day. your ex husband how he is today is how he has been since he was a child. The only difference is that something in his presentlife wasnt right so he switching into his alters at a more pronounced rate and severity. switching into alternate personalities a majority of the time is trigger related meaning the alter he switches into has some connection to what is going on in the present ie the DID person has anal sex in the present will switch into the alter who has the memories of having anal sex if the person with DID feels anal sex is wrong or harmful, painful ext. A DID person will switch into an angry filled alter if they start feeling angry in the present moment.


IF I called him would he even know me? If he doesnt know you in person when he is dissociated then he most likely is not going to know you on the phone either if he is dissociated.

Could he be gone away in his head forever? No a DID person only remains dissociated for how ever long they percieve thier is a danger to themselves. Some people remain alters for years and others a matter of minutes and seconds. it all depends on each persons individual tollorance level for what they consider dangerous and upsetting and feel they are unable to handle the situation so they dissociate.

Hi thank you again,I agree with some things you said . Please note his family hated my guts and even fiorbid me in their hime!! At that time Paul was able to affirm our love for each other and stood up and said if they did not accepyt the woman he was going to marry then he would be gone, and he was good forhis word.They were very abusive and deceptive they broke us up 3 times yet we found our way back. From the very 1st Isaw odd behaivor, but it was not context oriented for me. I did not have a clue as to what I was dealing with.His sadistic sexually abbarent family pushed and met with him every week untill they made enough planes to break us up forever.Iam not simply suffering from a divorice!!
He got sicker and sicker and each time he went back to his dear perps mom & dad he was triggered. He became a vial cruel monster.WE went to a stupid marriage counsler who said ther was no such thing as mpd did...Can you believe man?So, paul going home was like going bak to his lover mother as he left behind ina disclosure letter.I will bet he still has an alter that loves me but is forbidden I have been in therapy for40 yrs.I still go 2x a week I was left as the secondary victim NOT FUNNYMy current DR. specilizes in mpd did and trama He is a very intellengt and sensitive to allStocking is mind controll fuled by extreme fear .Paul did not get this way because he was treated with healthy love , respect and caring.I felt That I gave him this giftand it was appriciated and for the most part given back. then he sleept ib his clothes, you could not touch him and the alter voices and perverse behaivor came on strong . So , what did I do to deserve this tradegy? and WHO WAS I MARRIED TO?THe alter paul that walked out that door and out of my life was NOT the man I marriedPlease write me again lets talk be well Annie

Anne I'm sorry but I cant answer your question. I dont know who you married. Im not in your real time location and dont know your ex husband and I wasnt at the wedding so theres no way I can answer that question for you. for the answer to this question you need to talk to your ex husband. he or one of his alters has the answer to whether it was your ex husband the person that you married or if it was an alternate personality that married you.

What I can tell you is that it does happen where the person with DID is aware and gets married AND its also known to happen where the person as an alternate personality falls in love and gets married. so its anyones guess but your ex husbands as to who you married