k.. let me try at this one... LMAO... going inside... first off, like finger prints every mpd is differnt.. so they will do differnt things in differnt ways for every situation..
but going inside means, its sorta like mediatating... only that your alters or other personalities are helping you to relax and fix the problem you are having.. its sorta like going to ur thearpist, but instead its a team of thearpists, and they help resolve the problem or to help you relax or helps you stay safe by using a another personality to take over the body and deal with that situation ( other wises known as switching) ... i hope that helps...
anyways... lots of love!!!
HUGS
stephanie

Now that explanation makes a lot more sense. The hearing different opinions in my head is nothing new to me at all.

Stupid question:: But doesn't everyone have this? I mean is that all that different or special to multiples? I just thought that everyone thought like that.

When I have an issue that I am dwelling on I just seem to go through each idea or opinion or suggestion in my head. Is that unique to multiples.

It sometimes however is not just discussion but rather an argument in my head. It gets a bit loud.

Thanks Stephanie!!! Yes everyone does this! For an "uno-mind" (someone who doesn't have multiple personaities) they can relax/meditate just as we do however they don't have as much trouble getting to the issues that need attention.
For multiples, we (or I at least) have to really relax/meditate and concentrate harder to find the alter who is experiencing something that might make "me" act out in a way that I don't understand why I'm doing it.
I know this may sound strange (it seems strange to say) but I can remember when we started meeting each other inside and I was so excited when I started "going inside" and meeting the alters that were struggling with issues and then figuring out why their issues were affecting me. And then for the two of us to talk about what we could do to make the other alter feel better and what I could do for her/him so we both could fix it.
Hope that makes a little more sense!
Stay Safe and have a wonderful tomorrow!
Sending you shiny sparkles.
Candy

This is funny but I see this great insightful and helpful post but the part of me that really wants to respond first is the one who really like the shiny sparkles!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! hee hee

LOL LOL LOL!!!
More sparkles!

lol... well im glad that made sense to ya... :) here is something u should know debra.. everyone disociates... but if u have a disocative disorder.. such as mpd.. ur disocatating to a extremem... disocating means.. (sorry about spellig) like when u drive a car and ur at ur distiation and u have no idea how u got there.. it seems like time flew by.. thats normal... everyone does that.. but to lose time for days.. years... hours.. and u have differnt personalities who remember what happened during that lost time... welcome to mpd. (or disocitive identity disorder/DID) so yeah.. everyone has a dib bit of mpd in them... to me its kinda funny.. that every doctor in the world will agrea we all disociate but not all of them will agrea that mpd exist... what a crock! (rolls eyes)
anyways.. have a good one!!!!
HUGS
stephanie

hi

hey debra.. how ya been? been good here! have a good one! HUGS to u too candy!
stephanie

I had a really bad night the other night. I started a new post but no one responded.
Today has been a good day.
I will try to write later

deb

hey sweety what was the new post? sorry u had such a bad nite.. im sorry... i hope its better now!!!!
things here have been lookin up too...
so ill catch ya laters!!
good luck babes!

I wanted to start a new thread so I don't have to scroll so far down each time. Can we move this over there?

Thanks.

I wish I could talk to ya'll ya know. maybe we can set a time to meet in the chat room that Stephanie set up? Wasn't that you Stephanie? Or am I confused?

Deb

sure... let me find the new thread u started.. one way u can get to this faster is to click on the last button.. sure id love to get into my chat room and talk up a storm.. it dont have a voice thing tho.. just typing.. and private pms... its not bad...
i got church tomorrow and alot of stuff going on during the weekdays.. so nite would be cool.... remember im eastern time in the usa... so im not sure what time would be good for u and candy...
till we can get it figured out.. tons of hugs!!!
stephanie

If your therapist says no to DID then you don't have DID. people on a normal basis have many parts of themselves. therapists look for other things besides having conversations in their heads, and the person saying they have parts because people do these things on a normal basis anyway. There are things like your heart rate and breathing rate changing when you change into being an alter and that being consisitanly the same each and every time you are that alter.

they look for things like the diagnostic criteria of having 2 or more alternate personalities or identites (because some professionals call alternate personalities identities) that repeatedly take control and that they are distint meaning they never change. each and every time that person is that alter they use the same words, body language, have the same heart rate, breathing rate, hair stlye, clothing style ect.. they never change ie never age or get younger, never learn new things ect.. they are wh at t hey are and thats it.

They look for symptoms and behavour patterns of things that are not disclosed to the general public that ALL people with DID have, regardless of severity and type of dissociative disorder.

So if your therapist says right out that you are not DID then you can be sure that you are not DID. But if you want more validation on whether you are or are not DID you can ask her for a refural to a psychiatrist for a comprehensive Psychological Evaluation with suplimental testing for DID. These tests look for those undisclosed to the public problems and symptoms and you cant fake it because validity tests and so on are built right into them.

if you are DID when you get the report back you will have all you need - your IQ, your disorder and type and where you fall one all the validity and mulit scales used to tell what number you are on severity, validity and so on. Those numbers by the way may confuse you which is why you will be meeting with the psychiatrist and your therapist together so that they can explain the truth about what DID vs the mass media misconceptions and why some of th ose scales are 1-100, 1-10, 45-240, 65 - 85 ect.. type scales instead of using the normal idea of 1-10 scale for all of them. they will also tell you where you fall on each one of those scales and where and why you are put on that number on the scales.

Theres alot more to being DID then just not remembering things, writing different and talking different and only trained professionals can diagnose someone. doing self diagnostics usually ends up with the wrong diagnosis so please dont self diagnose it could lead you into the wrong disorders and treatment plans and lead you into causing more problems and damage for the disorders that you may really have other than what you think you have.

Alters do change over time "after" they've been in therapy. As they heal their memories and start feeling better inside then they will (if that alter wants to) grow up. And if the entire system continues treatment then eventually all of the young alters begin to act and talk more grown up so life can cease to be so confusing for the survivor.
Candy

hey candy!!! havent talked to u in awhile... i hope all is well... doing really good here.... been working with a woman from my website...
anyways... hope to hear from yas!!!
stephanie

The criteria for having DID does not state that EVERY alternate personality must be distinct meaning EVERY one of the persons alters don't change in any way.

Just that the person has "Two or more distinct alternate personalities that repeatedly take control" meaning that the person must have at the least 2 alternate personalities but they can have more that remain the same.

For this criteria they do not take into consideration any alters that the person may have that may change ie age learn ect..

For this criteria they look specifically for only those alters that do not change in any way.

To meet this criteria the diagnosing professional must be able to document that the person has at least two alters that do not change in any way, that each time the person is these alters they are looking at the person exhibits the same identical behavour patterns wording, breathing rate ect.. as they did the first, 2nd, 3rd ... times they switched into these specific alters.

It does not mean the person CANNOT have any alters that change. Just that to meet this criteria they HAVE to have at the least 2 alternate personalities that are distinct meaning they do NOT change. they remain the same each and every time.

these distinct alters that meet this criteria don't change in any way with therapy.

They are just pieces of traumatic memories and feelings separated according to the five senses and emotions that the person could not handle when those abusive situations happened. Once the person remembers the memory content of these "distinct alternate personalities" (traumatic memories and feelings) that are being acted out those memories are no longer stored at the unconscious level and are no longer being acted out as alters. They have basically been automatically integrated by the brains natural memory recall and storage process and are now normal memories stored in the conscious level and the person no longer switches into them when triggered.

There are alot of people with DID out there that only have these type of alters that are distinct. They don't have co consciousness abilities.

there are people out there that only have a few of these type of alters where there is no co consciousness and the alters don't change in any way.

But overall to be diagnosed as being DID the person must have at least two of these distinct alternate personalities that do not change and they have complete control (no co consciousness between the persona and these alters ect..)

Hi Katherine! Well actually the only criteria for a legitimate diagnosis of MPD/DID is that there are more than 2 distinct alters who do take control of the mind and body at any given time. What ever evolves during psychotherapy afterwards does not alter the original "diagnosis" what so ever. That seems to be a real shame in our society because once a person has any diagnosis (whether that be a mental illness, disorder and even any physical diagnosis), the original diagnosis will always be in the medical records. It's very difficult if at all possible to have a diagnosis erased from our records, even when the doctors made a mistake with the original diagnosis. I have a friend who's husband had a tumor on his face but the doctors originally diagnosed the tumor as benign but after more testing they found that it was melignant. He died a year later (still fighting with the insurance company to ge the original diagnosis reversed from benign to melignant) and his wife (my best friend) has never been compensated for the cancer that killed him and was not allowed to collect on the cancer insurance policy that they had purchased years before that. The ins. co. refuses to accept the change in his condition. So that is why "after the original diagnosis", anything that happens afterwards has no impact on our records.
However after a survivor with MPD/DID has been in treatment for years, the mind has the capability to change and rearange the system as healing progresses. I've been in theapy now for twelve years with over 50 alters and there have been alot of changes going on. One of our angry alters has been converted to Christian, some of our younger alters have grown up to be teens and adults. It's really up to the survivor to learn how to "go in" and see what needs to be done for the system as a whole to live a better life without dissociating and living with so much physical and emotional pain. Changes must be made on the part of every alter!
The reason for the changes is the healing that each alter has done over the years in "our" healing process". I think it all depends on the individual psychotherapist, client and other elemints that determine what direction the healing goes. I don't really think there is a right or wrong way to heal in general!
Our alters are indeed seperate parts of the brain, of course we all know that we don't have all these people inside our minds walking around, however the reason that this is a "disorder" is because of the dissociation that our minds have been programed to resort to in times of trauma. Even when there has been total integration; there's always the possiblity for these alters to segragate again if needed.
But even though we can be healed and all of our alters integrated, these alters are still with us and because our mind has been programed to react to trauma by dissociating, then our minds are quite capable of becoming segragated again, plus the creation of the alters can even continue all through life. In adulthood I've had five new alters created because we've come across new curcumstances that none of us were equiped to handle. I guess if I knew how it happened I could stop doing it but even the scientists don't know "how" our brain does this as of yet.
There still needs to be alot of research on MPD/DID for sure!!!
Candy

Hi Stephanie! Great to hear from you! Yes things are really going great here! You mentioned your website, I cannot remember what it is! Is it listed here in my links page? Would you mind adding it here so I can come see? Sounds like you are doing very well with it. I'm a bit scaterbrained lately; LOL well always LOL LOL LOL!
Talk to you later!
Candy

I've been reading the things that have been said. I know that I am MPD. It has been extreemly hard. I feel dizzy, tired, nauseous, and overwhelmed. As of now I have 20+ personalitys. It is hard to cope. I am glad that u have this website. I don't feel so alone.

sure....
its www.igotmpd.com glad things are going good for u...
busy today...
catch up with ya laters..
stephanie

Yea know what you mean Candy. sometimes it is hard to convince others to go with updated diagnosis rather than the outdated. I came close to being hospitalized by a domestic violence worker who instead of looking at the domestic violence evidence read my file with the agency that was sharing the office where it said I had been previously hospitalized for suicidal behavours. It actually took the intake psychiatrist to tell this woman that I belonged in the shelter rather than the hospital or my death was on her head due to a domestic violence situation rather that a suicidal situation.

Glad to know more about your system. I wish mine was like that. Unfortunately I am one of those with DID where the alters are separated pieces of memories that do not change in any way and one time I was keeping track Im over 100 alters some integrated now some not.We don't go according to numbers for me. The actual number doesn't matter to me . To me all that matters is that I continue to work towards remembering what happened to me so that I no longer acting out those separated pieces of memories and feelings, like the time I went on a picnic, suddenly I find out that I had been for the last so many minutes removing my clothes and other unmentionaable activities in full view of everyone at that swimming hole location as we were not the only family there. Or like the time I went to a store with a friend and suddenly I look up and find out for the past so many minutes I had been sitting on the floor in a corner sucking my thumb and screaming anytime my friend tried to get near me, or like the time I was at a friends house and a guy that I cared alot about walked up to me to say hi and I later found out later in a hospital that I started beating the hell out of him and busted his nose and many teeth because I had switched into the alter that was my feelings of anger, It took an ambulance crew and police to pull me off the guy and restrain and sedate me when I was in that disscoated state of being that alter.

I have many friends with DID that are like this and each one of us were told that one of the reasons we were diagnosed with having DID was because of the DSM criteria that says we had to have 2 or more alternate personalities that were distinct and repeated,y taking control.

The exact wording of the DSM is -

A. The presence of two or more distinct identities or personality states each with their own relatively enduring pattern of percieving, relating to, and thinking about the environment and self.

B. At least two of these identities or personality states recurrently take control of the persons behavours.

When my psychiatrist that diagnosed me broke this down for me he said that the word distinct means one of a kind, does not change, and does not have anything in common with any other alters. the word relatively means compared to the other alters, the word enduring means the continues on and doesnt change and together that means like distinct the personality states have a set way of being compared to the other personality states the person may have.

then he went on to say that in all I met the criteria because at least two of my alternate personalities are distinct(dont change and have a set way of how I am when I am those alters enteract with people and things around me and how I see myself when I am those alters,that endures (continues on no matter how many times switch into those distinct alters.)

He said that no matter how many times I swith into Gail I will always be gail acting out what is already gail. As Gail I can't learn to do what any other alter of mine can do or what I can do when Im not Gail. No matter how many times I switch into gail I will be gail acting like gail wearing gails clothes, twirling my hair like gail and talking about what happened to me that are the separated memories that are known as gail.

I also can't create more and more as time goes on like you can.What I have now whether I know they are there or not is what I will have until they are integrated into normal memories. This is because I now know how to handle my problems with things like grounding and taking care of those problems instead of dissociating when I have a problem. My therapist taught me how to pay attention to how I feel and when I start to feel like something is wrong to stop and find out why I feel something is scarey or making me nervous and do something self nurturing like taking a walk and thinking the problem out on my own, with a friend or with her, instead of dissociating.

I am glad though yours can change and you can create more as time goes on. I don't want any more alters. I have enough problems with what I got and I don't want them either. having alters and switching for me is more trouble then protection for me now because it interferes with things I should be doing as an adult like work, my home, interacting with friends and so on. I want to be normal doing normal things.

hey katherine...
i think its "normal" for any mpd or did person... to want to be normal.... but here is a blunt fact. your always going to mpd... you may all join up one day.. but if something bad happens... (for example.. me being raped the day before my 25th bday...) ur mind will splint all over again... it will just be easier this time around to heal a bit cuz u know whats going on inside.... because of the rape i had created a new personality.. gigdet... it happens... hey... heres a fact u may or may not know... a person who is did or mpd... (which ever u chose to go by) uses more of their brain than most "normal" people... this is why.... when a child is being abused... the synaps in their brain ... (with a normal child... these synaps slowly shut down .. this is normal... u only use what u need with ur brain...) well with a sever child... the synaps... dont turn off.. they stay on.... hinse... u use more of ur brain.. this is why alot of mpd/did's have sooo many talents.. can remember alot of things from way back when... all kinds of cool things... yes it sucks how people get mpd... but remember!!!! mpd is not a bad thing.. its what kept u alive when u was going thru so much hell... as i tell my doctors... look... i am mpd.. period... im not sick... if it wasnt for it.. id be dead.. on the streets and in any numerous of bad places or on drugs ... workin the streets.. but i am not... my mpd saved my life.. and its slowly but healing me... yes i would love to be normal.. to have a normal job.. to have had normal relationships.. but the fact remains.. i could not at those times... i have accepted it... i have accepted the fact i am mpd... and honestly.. really thinking hard about it.. im thankful i am. i am proud of who i am.. who WE are!!!! i wouldnt be me if it wasnt for my mpd.. i wouldnt know what to do if i wasnt mpd.. cuz i have been this way for sooooo long... i wouldnt know any other way of to live... today.. in my life.. i have a wonderful relationship... whom my bfriend is mpd also... its not easy.. and yes at times its confusing cuz sometimes.. u just not sure who is out and somet things can scare certain ones while another one can handle other things... its crazy.. but in actual honesty... its who i am .. its my life... and i can now stand up on my own two feet and proudly say... yes.. this who i am... and smile about it...
stephanie

Hey stephanie I am glad that you are comfortable with using dissociation as a coping skill if you should in the future get raped again but I will not and am not comfortable using dissociation as an escape from any of my problems including when I get raped. in fact I was recently attacked by someone and instead of using dissociating into a mental safe place away from that problem by using the techniques that my therapist has taught me of focusing on surroundings and those around me, grounding and staying aware I was able to prevent another person from getting attacked. by being able to give a complete discription of the event and the person to the cops and they were able to catch that person with in 24 hours and faced with all the evidence collected because I refused to use dissociation as a tool during the attack he instead of putting the tax payers through trial ect.. is now sitting in prison for the next 25 years. I am proud of the fact that I have mastered using grounding techniques so well that I no longer have to depend on mental escapes over physical escapes and doing something about my problems including any possible future abuse by strangers or others.

No I will not always be DID. Yes I will always have the ability to dissociate because dissociation is something that every human being is able to do ie daydreaming when they are bored, using relaxation with imagry. But I will never again be using that normal skill of daydreaming to the abnornoral level of using it to escape my problems by imagining what I am going through is happening to someone else and not me and remaining in a mental safe place while being abused.

Im not a child anymore incapable of facing my problems, and am not a child incapable of knowing what to do if I am attacked again or encounter a problem that seems overwhelming. I have the skills that I need to physically protect myself and I now have the skills needed to take care of my problems face to face.

So now since I will no longer be using dissociation to that abnormal level of creating alters instead of taking care of my problems fully aware, at some point I will no longer meet the criteria for having DID - at some point I will no longer have 2 or more distinct alternate personalities that recurrently take control, I will no longer meet the criteria of having the inability to recall important information that is too extensive to be explained by ordinary forgetfulness which is another criteria for having DID because those alters that are my memories and feelings will be integrated.

Once I no longer meet the diagnostic criteria according that a person has to meet in order to be diagnosed as being DID I will no longer be considered DID. Just like those that don't meet the criteria are not diagnosed with DID when they go through their testing to be diagnosed.

Yes like every other human being I will be considered able to use dissociation (daydreaming, relaxation and imagry) but I will no longer be dissociative disordered because I will no longer meet that criteria and will no longer be using dissociation to the levels where dissociation will be interfering with my daily life and funtioning levels.

Yea at one point having the ability to dissociate (daydream myself into mental safe places instead of remaining mentally aware while being abused) did save my life and I am happy that I had that ability as a child but now as an adult all that ability is doing for me is creating problems where I act those separated feelings and memories out. I couldnt even have sex without remaining fully aware and enjoying that with my significant other. The second the kissing started I was mentally gone and when I come back it was days later, same for working, go to work saw someone that reminded me of my abuser and mentally I was gone and the next thing I knew I was in some nut ward for beating the crap out of a customer, hell I couldnt even raise my own child without dissociating into alters. I wish so many times that just once I could see my child smile, see him sitting there blowing bubbles with me, see the joy on his face as he swings and slides down a slide, comfort him when hes hurting. I can't do any of these things because I dissociated into alters. My child is afraid of me because he has seen me cutting myself, he has seen me sitting on a store floor bawling and sucking my thumb, he has seen me throw things, and so many other things a child should not have seen and experienced because I have DID. I lost that child to therapeutic foster homes and residentiall treatment centers (mental wards for children)in part because of PTSD, depression, aggressive and suicidal behaviors he has now from what he has gone through from my switching into alters at the drop of a hat.

Also I am a therapist in the field of DID. I keep my credentials and information up to date with workshops and seminars and training sessions. so thanks for the info but people who are DID do not use more of their brain mass than normal people. they due to trauma learned how to relax to the point where they can separate their feelings and memories. this is taking the alpha and beta waves lower and slower. this ability any normal person can learn how to do by taking biofeedback and neurofeedback classes. it makes no difference if the person is DID or not. It just takes learning how to control your bodily funtions ie breathing heart rate and thoughts.

and Yea I wouldnt be me if I hadnt dissociated to the level of creating alters as a child I would be dead but now with each integration I am going to be even more me because I will have all my memories and be able to experience a full range of emotions instead of having time loss, lack of memory recall and lack of affect (inability to show and experience a full range of feelings ie happyness sadness anger ect..)

DID people being able to remember way back when sorry to disagree one of the criteria is in simple terms not having a good memory because a DID persons memories have been separated and stored in their unconscious levels because things that happened to them were too traumatic to handle hense the diagnostic criteria -

C. The inability to recall important personal information that is too extensive to be explained by ordinary forgetfulness

D. The Disturbance is not due to the direct physiological effects of a substance (ie blackouts or chaotic behavour during alcohol intoxification) or general medical condition (e.g. complex partial seizures)

Note: in children the symptoms are not attributable to imaginary playmates or fantasy play.

what this all means is that in order to be diagnosed as being DID the person must have spaces of time where they don't remember personal information like things like name, address, phone number, bitrthday and other important celebrations and event that normal people always remember. A person with DID for example may not remember how old they were when they got their first period like normal women do because getting their period is associated with a traumatic event. they may not remember christmas celebrations if one christmas morning they were abused so every chistmas ofter that they dissociate rather than feel those feelings that christmas now brings to them because of that abusive situation. People with DID have LESS memory recall of their lives not more. it is only after integration and or developing co consciousness that the person has access to those memories.

A person with DID talent wise and multi tasking - any normal person can learn to have many talents and do many things at the same time. I have normal friends that can work on their computers putting together their presentations, talk on the phone to 10 clients a day not related to their presentations and deal with their familys coming in and out of the room with mom I need this, can you do this for me dad ect..

It just takes focusing skills and being educated and being able to switch that focus from one project to another.

The only difference between normal people multi tasking is that the memories of learnig to do all those things that normal people have learned ie organizational skills, this hobbie or that one, playing this intrument talking that language whatever their tallents they are usually separates so instead of just thinking on the spot how to do something and doing it automatically a person with DID rapid switches from one alternate personality to the next which contains how to do those things.

DID person - clean house (brain action switch to memories called tom then pick up the toys), cook pizza (brain action switch to memories called Dick then get out the ingrediants), play the tuba (Action switch to memories called harry pick up music book and tuba and play notes and chords)

Normal person - clean house (brain action pick up the toys there is no need for switching because the person already has access to the memory of how to do this, Cook pizza (get out the ingrediant. There is no need for switching into alters because the person already has access to the memory of how to do this) Play tuba (pick up book and tuba and play notes and chords, there is no need to switch into alters because person already has access to their memories of how to do this.)

Depending on how fast the person with DID can rapid switch from alter to alter depends on how many tasks and tallents they can perform at the same time.

Just like a normal person depending on how fast they can move from project to project depends on how fast and how many tasks and talents they can do at one time.

and just like one normal person may be faster than a nother normal person one DID person may be faster than another DID person, and just like a normal person may at times be faster than a person with DID, a person with DID may at times be faster than a normal person.

"Changes must be made on the part of every alter!"

no not if the alters are just separated pieces of memories and feelings. These type of distinct alters all that needs to be done is the person while remaining aware remember what those memories are. once that happens those memories are aautomatically integrated into the persons conscious thinknig and they no longer act those out.

there is no way to change a feeling. for example the feeling of sadness will remain the feeling of sadness. Feelings just are.

there is no way to change the memory of tasting semen. that taste memory will remain that taste memory. you can't change the taste of semen from tasting like semen to semen tasting like chocolate.

You cant change the memory of smelling stale booze. that smell of stale booze will always remain the smell of stale booze instead of the smell changing to pizza flavored.

You cant change the feeling of being hit. the sting of that slap will always remain that sting of a slap instead of feeling tickled.

these alters you cannot change. BUT you can change the persons reactions to the triggers (smell of booze, hearing someone clap or get hit, having sex with a partner, feeling strong emotions like ther depression and sadness) with grounding tools and so on so that they no longer switch into those alters,

The person can also learn to use grounding and relaxation that will enable the person to remain aware while learning about what those memories are so that the memories are no longer seaprated and stored at th e unconscious level.

You cant teach a smell to use grounding and relaxation. you cant teach a sound to use grounding and relaxation, you can't teach a touch to use grounding and relaxation, you can't teach the sight mental picture) of an abuser to use grounding and relaxation. ect..

These type of alters you cant change. they just are what they are and will never change.

It is the person not the alters in this case that has to change ie the person not the alter has to learn and change their coping tools from dissociating into alters to to take care of themselves mentally to using other tools like grounding to take care of their self and th eir problems physically and mentally.

katherine...
no babes.. i dont use my mpd as a escape... its just who i am... i switch from personality to personality to match my envroment as needed. u cant stick a child personality in a situation like sex... that would be wrong... my mpd is who i am. i dont use it as a excuse to excuse my behavior... i dont go off and get drunk out of my gord and say ... well thats jasi .. its just who she is... no.. even tho the fact of it is.. yes jasi is more likely to do those things where most of "us" wont... she still is a person... apart of the "system".. and she herself desearves respect.. and desearves to earn respect and learn that she dont have to be that way to get back at people. shes learnt this... shes still her own wild crazy self.. and she likes some really off the wall things.. but she has found a way to still get what she wants.. with out!! disrespecting herself.. us or our relationship with our bf. she has learned... but! i sure in hell wouldnt want to **** her off... exceptially if ur a guy.. u might wake up with no penis!
lmao...
you seem like mpd is negative for u.. and ur not alone in that... its hard to accept. u can ignore it all... think that u really are a single minded person and thats all there is to it.. but in factuality... ur not... this who u r.. its not easy... its not fun at times... in fact.. sometimes it really right down sucks... but u will never be happy with urself unless u accept this is who you are.. or u will never be able to change to be who u all want to be.
hard thing to read... and plz dont think im being a ***** either... thats not my intention at all... but when i read what u wright.. i see resintment... harshness... hatred towards urself and this diagonses.. and it saddens me.. cuz i was once there myself... and honestly .. at times i still feel that way.... dont beat urself up babes... dont u think you have had enough abuse in your life? while abuse urself even more?
hugs
stephanie

"its hard to accept. u can ignore it all... think that u really are a single minded person and thats all there is to it.. but in factuality... ur not... this who u r.."

would you tell a person with a physical illness that they are that illness?

A person who has the flu is a flu virus?
a person who for has cancer is a cancer cell?
A person who has HIV is the HIV virus?
A person who has MS is the MS desease distroying brain cells?
A person with a broken leg is a compound frature?
A person experiencing the pain of hemorrhoids is a hemorrhoid?

Now mental illness?

is a person who has Depression (experiences the feeling of extreme sadnessis due to a chemical imbalance of a brain that chemical imbalance for example the person is dopamine, or any other brain chemical?
A person who has Schizophrenia is a chemical imballance of a brain?

I personally don't consider anyone that I know or don't know that may have a physical illness or handicap or mental illness or handicap as being that physical illness/handicap or mental illness/ handicap.

I personally see them as human beings that just happen to have that physical illness/handicap or mental illness or handicap.

From my point of view calling someone who has hemoriod pain a hemorrhoid is being discriminatory against that person. the same with calling someone a mental illness.

Just like those with physical illnesses a person with a mental illness is NOT that mental illness they HAVE that illness but they are not that illness they are human beings.

DID is not WHO I am. It is the mental illness that I happen to HAVE NOT WHO I AM.

I am a female human being who happens to have a treatable mental disorder.

Just because someone chooses to complete treatment of physical and mental illnesses so that they no longer have that physical or mental illness does NOT mean that they have not accepted that they have that physical and or mental illness. It means they are doing what they should to take care of their self to the best of their abilities so that they can have a life without that physical and or mental illness.

my choosing or having to integrate my alters instead of living a life dissociating into those alters does not mean I am ignoring and denying that I meet the diagnostic criteria for DID and have unintegrated alters at this time. If I was in denial I would not be in treatment. I was on that road for years and it lost me my son, friends, past jobs ect..

I am no longer on that roaad and am in treatment and will be completing treatment to the full extent - complete and permanent integration.

some people may have the choice to continue using their dissociation and alters as a way to take care of theirselves and their needs, Some people dont and some people don't have a choice of whether or not to live dissociated or integrate.

For ME integration is NOT a choice. Integration of my alters just happens each and every time I experience flashbacks and remember anything that has been repressed into being separated into being my alters when I was a child.

My staying in treatment and completing that treatment does not mean and is not my ignoring that I have DID and alters.

My staying in treatment and completing treatment is my

NOT ignoring that I have DID and alters, and doing what I need to do so that I will have a better life than I have now.

Hate myself - sometimes but not because I have DID. I hate myself sometimes because I did not seek treatment when I should have and in not recieving treatment I caused mental and physical pain to the most important person in my life. the person I was supposed to as a responsible adult and parent be protecting from physical and emotional pain - my child.

I don't hate myself for having DID because being raped as a child was something that was forced on me. I did not choose it and I was not born with it. It happened to me where there is no blame to me for it having happened. And as a child it wasnt a conscious choice to dissociate into alters. I just reacted due to trauma and fear for my life by doing it and not thinking out the future conscquenses ect.

Now dissociating into alters is a choice for me because I am in therapy and have learned other non dissociative ways like grounding and facing my problems to take care of me and my problems.

So yea I would hate myself at some point IF I chose which I don't, to continue dissociating and not to remain in therapy and not complete the treatment needed to fully integrate my alters because my not doing so will cause more pain to those around me because they care about me and don't want me to be hurting consciously or unconsciously. and my not doing so now would also hurt my child in the future when he ages out of therapeutic foster care and needs a mother that is capable of helping him navagate mental health services, job seeking, shelter needs ect.. intead of a mother acting like a child acting out separated memories and feelings. That he will have to take care of and locate when I get lost and or triggered into being an alter.

my choosing to completing my treatment to full integration is beating myself up..

no I see this as taking care of myself so that I have a whole memory of what my life has been and is and can feel a full range of feelings rather than losing time and acting out like a child of 3 when I am a 40 plus adult, and not being able to show or feel emotions like happyness, sadness, pain ect..

my having DID now as an adult yes I see it as a negative.

there is nothing positive in a 40 plus year old woman sititng naked in the sand on a beach with her fingers in her crotch crying owee owee my pee pee hurts in full view of 60 or more people ranging from new born to 80 years old because the womnan is acting out the memory of having to masterbate as a 4 year old child.

There is nothing positive in a 40 plus year old woman sitting in a store corner sucking their thumb and screaming because that woman is acting out the memory of the sting of a belt as a 3 year old child.

there is nothing positive in a 40 plus year old woman sitting down to dinner and suddenly she starts puking and gagging and dry heaves because you are acting out the memory of choking on a penis as 10 year old child.

there is nothing positive in a 40 year old woman throwing things at their child because that childs temper tantrum triggered the 40 year old woman into acting out the memory of an abuser chasing and screaming at them and in order to get away they had to throw chairs, stands, books, dishes ect.. at their abuser.

There is nothing positive in a 6 year old child watching their parent cut theirself because they have switched into the memory of having to cut a rope off their wrists and anccles after their abuser passed out.

Yea having DID as an adult for me is negative. It is no longer a protection for me. That protection of dissociating no longer helps it causes me more problems and the lose of those I care about like my son and friend, my jobs ect..

if your goal is to intergrate.. (sorry spelling lately has been horrible) then there is no problem with wanting that... as i tell anyone who has any sort of disabiiity.. first in order heal period... u have to accept it all. every little negative and positive thing. AND THAT IS NOT EASY for some people... iunderstand exactly what u mean... go into walmart and ur bf cant find u cuz ur hiding in the circle of clothes hanging up.. and he has to talk u down just to get u out of there... i understand embarrassment cuz of this... but i also understand y i do those things too.. (thats what i ment by beating urself up babes) u know u have this.. and it sucks.. period... but if u really want to get past this babes.. u gotta put all the negaitive feelings aside.. or u wont heal.. plz trust me on this!!!! for a few years.. i refused to do any treament... i thought the thearpists were wacked out cuz of the type of treament they were persenting me.. and i was like..." and i thought i was the screwed up one!!!" but after awhile ... my thearpist said something that really hit home.. and it was all over alergies!!!! (nothing to do with mpd) she said... just cuz things have always been this way.. doesnt mean that they dont have to be that way now".... i kinda ignored her when she said it... and talked about something....
later on... when some jackass was being a dick... all of a sudden it hit.. actually this day in 2005 was my independence day... i made the choice not to let it be a negative aspect in my life... not to let a certian personality or a few others be controled any longer.. not even by my most persoanl friends... i stood tall that day.. and fully accept my fate... and guess what? 2 years later.. with very little help from my thearpist or any thearpist ... i have slowly made it to a happy life.. yes i do switch.. but the people who come out are happier and less likely do these things... cuz that day 2 years ago.. the whole!!! system made that choice... who wants to truley suffer? no one. it was a horrible long road.. the reason i say accept it and do ur best to not look at it negative is.. if u always have a resistment to it.. its gonna stop u from reaching ur "single" mind goal. i wish u the best on it...
stephanie

Hi, Sorry to have missed all this, I had sinus surgery yesterday and am trying to move around a little bit this evening because I'm so sore. I have to sleep two more nights reclined and I'll be glad to get over this and sleep normal again LOL.
I've been reading all these posts from yesterday and today and wow there's been quite a conversation going on!!!
I think it just all depends on each individual survivor. I don't think there's any wrong or right way to "be" a multiple and infact I know there's a whole lot that none of us don't understand about how our minds work. And as many survivors as there are, I'm sure there's that many different stories of how they were diagnosed, treated and how they feel about their own MPD/DID.
I've been meaning to do more research on the "non-abusive MPD/DID" but just haven't had the chance yet.
I'm like Stephanie, I appreciate my alters and respect them all and i know that I would not be alive right now if they weren's here all through my life.
As far as the criterias and lab results go, all I know is that all my life I have lived "in a tunnel" of caos, confusion, missing time and many aches and pains that could never be explained and once I was diagnosed and we began treatment life has gotten so much better.
For us ALL of our alters have made changes for the better and yes, angry alters have become happy and sad alters have found a little bit of joy in life. It doesn't matter if my alters and my system as a whole is not working against the "criteria" for what is expected; it simply means that we are healing the best way that we know how.
I'm sure other multiples systems work in their own totally unique ways. We just have to accept each other and offer support for anyone who asks for it. We may not understand what another surivor is going through or has been through, we just need to be here to listen and to give them the support that they are here for.
Glad to have you all in the conversation!
Wishing you all al wonderful evening and a great tomorrow!
Candy

... u have to accept it all. every little negative and positive thing.

Stephanie - I don't know how many other ways to say this to you -

I HAVE accepted EVERYTHING - my having DID and that I have separated pieces of memories and emotions (that is what my alters are)and how it has negatively impacted my adult life.


If I hadnt there would be no integration happening.

DID happens when the child experiences something that is too traumatic for them to accept as happening to them. So if I hadnt ALREADY accepted the negative things that have happened I would not be consciously remembering those things as happening.

And I would not be even mentioning any of the negative aspects with having DID. I would instead be focusing on just the positives if I had any, which I don't other than dissociating saved my life and sanity as a child. and I would not see any negative aspects in anything anyone else told me either because denial means pushing away anything that you don't want to and can't accept.

Because of the type of alters that I have I dont have to go through denial of each alter and resulting behavour as we find out about my alters like those that have other types of alters.

When I am an alter I am -
Acting out traumatic memories,
acting out seeing traumatic sights,
acting out hearing traumatic sounds,
acting out traumatic smells,
acting out tasting traumatic tastes,
acting out traumatic touches,
acting out traumatic emotions.

As I remember each part of my abusive memories, feelings, that are my alters that memory, feeling is automatically integrated. its not a choice for me.

they are there and I have no idea what that memory is and what I am doing when I am doing it, then I remember by doing memory recall work with my therapist and having flashbacks, and then AS I AM REMEMBERING, AT THAT VERY MOMENT that alter is no longer an alter and is a normal conscious memory.

The only denial factor that I ever had to go through after starting therapy was whether or not I was DID when I was first diagnosed.

There is NO denial of alters and NO denying of the resulting behavours.

The alters and resulting behavours for me is just a fact like my having a cup of hot chocolate and coffee mixture every morning is a fact of my life.

I don't get the chance to have to go through hating or liking one of my alters and so on like alot of people who are dID do. The Alter is there without me knowing about it and then I remember the memory that is that alter and then that memory is a normal memory and not an alter.

and theres no denying a negative behavour when you have 60 people staring at you after you have done that negative behavour.

its just a fact - Yup I did that and people saw me. and that isnt something that a 40 plus year old adult should be doing on a work related picnic withfriends and family. It was a negative behavour but there is no denying that the negative behavour happened. all there is is - ok it happened now how to stop it from happening again (total acceptance)

I know that it must sound strange to you to have someone say all there is for them is total acceptance when the experience is negative.

Life is funny. the typical human reaction when a person talks about and acts upbeat and cherry with positives other people react by congrats and way to go, high five them and think and say that positive stating and acting person is accepting their life and experiences.

But low and behold a person mentions a negative experience, memory, feelings and suddenly society dictates that people "help" that person by telling them they haver to "get over it" and have to "accept it"

when in fact if the person had not accepted the negative they would not take any notice of the negative. they would not be discussing the negative. they instead would be denying there is any negative aspect, memory, problem, and avoid that topic like the plague or the perverbial hide their head in the sand like an ostrich.

Please stop telling me that I HAVE to do something that I have ALREADY done years and years ago. If I hadn't accepted the negative memories, feelings and behavours that happened they would not have been integrated into my conscious awareness because that is what DID is - allows a child to go on with their lives without having to remember the things that they are/were too young to accept (feel, own live with and take care of.

Candy -

Welcome back and you are right on the money.I hope you are able to get the rest that you want.

hey candy.. glad ur back.... miss talkin to yas.....

katherine... u wanna know something? u remind me alot of one my dearest friends... alot... i asked her a question one time and i got the same reaction... and now shes one of my most dearest friends... so before u go off thinkin im sort of a ******** let me ask u one question...

you talk awlful alot about a lot of stuff... but have ya stop reread what u wrote and see where i am getting what i am getting? im not a bull****ter.. nor do i tell people what to do... but i DO see negativity... reread it all katherine... ur still ****** off about the whole thing. and no i dont blame u one **** bit. you want a normal life so bad... well its time to face a fact... u havent had a "normal" life.. its been ****ty.. a past action causes future reactions.. and this is ur reaction to everything.
you dont have to suffer anymore... none of ur "torn memories" or what ever u call ur persoanlities... have to either.. do "they" know that? do they know now! that they dont have to take no **** from anyone? im sure they do.... what kind of thearpy have u had?! dont sound like to me its been very helpful if u STILL feel this aggressed about everything... yes i do study pyschology.. infact im getting my degrea in it... ive been studying it since i was a kid...
with every person i help or listen to... the first thing i work with them on... is how they feel about whats going on... once u deal with the emtions of the issue.. then u proceed to work on the actual issue. not have some **** doctor tell u that what ur going thru is just conflicted memory acting out things... if ur still going to the beach and still doing what u wrote before... ur PERSONALITIES are still screaming for help! they are not being totally heard for who they are. you need a better thearpist. period.
stephanie
ps.. candy ill catch u on my site... or catch ya on messy....

Stephanie

Maybe the problem here is that you have a different definition of what acceptance and denial is compared to mine and my therapists and those I trained under.

From my therapist training I have been taught that "acceptance" is recognizing there is a problem and taking care of that problem. Saying yes I see this problem is going on and this is what I want to do about that

example of accepting the negative side of being DID as taught by therapists and professionals in the field of DID is

1. Recognizing/noticing and acknowleging where DID has negatively impacted the persons life.

(I have posted many ways that DID has negatively impacted my life. No where have I said DID does NOT negatively affect my life)

2. After recognizing/noticing and acknowledging that DID has negatively impacted the persons life the person takes steps to change that negative impact.

(I have posted that I am taking care of the negative impact that DID has on my life by completing treatment so that DID no longer has a negative impact on my life)

Personally as a survivor to me acceptance is

Negative things happen in life oh well all we can do about those negative things that happen in life is say ok they happened and then do something that will make it so that that situation won't happen again (solutions)and if the problem isnt something that can be solved.

My moto -

**** happens thats life. notice the **** and clean it up where possible and move on to the next pile. no sense in obsessing (what ifing, worrying about, repeatedly thinking about) over the same problem. Notice the problem and take steps to solve the problem.

Problem - DID has negatively impacted my adult life.
Solution - therapy for DID.

Now you and I can keep going round and round about this because we are probably using different definitions of acceptance and denial and you and I are not clones of each other, and we are at two different places in our therapy journeys and are probably using completely different therapy approaches by our therapists.

I know and my therapist knows that I have accepted my DID and how it has impacted my life and the steps that I need to take to heal from this disorder.

You do not have to agree (accept) what I say and do and obviously you don't.

there is no reason to waste everyone elses time on our just repeating over and over again that I have accepted (said yes that DID has negatively impacted my adult life and am taking steps integration so that I no longer have the affects of DID in my life), and you repeating that you think I have not accepted the negative impact of my having DID.

So I am no longer going to keep discussing this conflicting (between you and I) issue with you.
Good luck to you.

Telling my alters they don't have to suffer -

I already explained my alters are NOT like yours.

Mine are "DISTINCT". meaning they never change. my alters that contain the feeling of fear can be told I am safe a million times and as that alter I will still be afraid.

MY alters CANNOT be changed,

they will NOT do anything other than what they are from the first time I switch into them to the last time I switch into them.

There is NO convincing MY alters they don't have to suffer ectera.

MY alters that are the feeling of pain will always be the feeling of pain, and and as that alter I will ALWAYS react as if in pain NO MATTER WHAT.

MY ALTERS ARE SEPARATED PIECES OF MEMORIES AND FEELINGS(traumatic abuse situations that are separated according to sounds, tastes, smellls, touch, sight and emotions) THAT GET ACTED OUT BY ME UNCONSCIOUSLY.

EXAMPLE -

abuse situation that I dissociated during because it was too traumatic for me when it happened -

being tied down and raped by an abuser

The alters that were created from that abuse situation whe I dissociated are -

alter number 1 -

The feeling of having ropes on my wrists and ankles

as this alter all I did was twist my wrists and
ankles as if I was trying to get free. My wrists
and ankles turned red any time I was this alter
as if I still had the roped tied on them.

alter number 2 -
the texture and hardness of the bed.
As this alter I kept shifting my weight like
I was trying to change positions.

alter number 3
the coldness of the room.
As this alter all I did was shiver and my body
color turned blue from the memory of coldness.

alter number 4
the hotness of the abuser,
As this alter I sweated to the point where I
was literally wet.

alter number 5
the smell of booze.
As this alter I gagged.

alter number 6 the musty basement smell
As this alter my face scrunched up from
the smell

alter number 7 the moldy smell of the matress
As this alter I sneezed because I was allergic
to the mold in the basement where I grew up.

alter number 8 the smell of the abuser's body odor
As this alter I puked from my abusers pubic area
odor

alter number 9 the pain of the tightness of the ropes
As this alter I cried.

alter number 10 the pain of the abuser holding wrists
As this alter I kept twisting and crying.

alter number 11 the pain and heaveyness of the
abuser laying on top and raping.

As this alter I screamed.



Unlike your alters MY alters are DISTINCT meaing they do NOT change in any way. NO MATTER WHAT.

My therapist can talk, tell jokes, jump up and down try to get me to do anything other than what I am doing as those alters and as those alters I just continue to repeat those same behavours over and over again.

MY alters are NOT like people.

THEY ARE MY MEMORIES OF ABUSE
AND MY MEMORIES OF THE EMOTIONS THAT I FELT AS A CHILD.


You may be able to talk your alters into calming down and not suffering and so on but that does not work for my alters because I DONT HAVE THE SAME TYPE OF ALTERS THAT YOU DO.

Yours are "non distinct" meaning they change, they learn, they evolve (They do not keep the same pattern of belief, way of being ie scared, suffering, ect.. about themselves and how they interact with the environment and people around you, they change based on what you tell them and what you need and what you do with them)

Mine are "distinct" meaning they do not change, they do not learn, they do not evolve (they do not over time and through therapy change their beliefs, way of being and interacting with the environment and people around them)

what kind of therapy have you had - been in therapy for many many years. some of that time I was in therapy with Dr. Colin Ross both individual and at his treatment center Timberlawn. Great place and great person. As for therapy techniques - I tried many, The most used and successful for ME memory recall and integration which is working with a therapist using various techniques that encourage and facilitate remembering repressed memories and feeling and experiencing that memory WITHOUT dissociating into alters.

If my therapy program was not working integration would not be happening as that is what my therapy program is.

You say my alters are screaming for help…. Since when have you jumped into my brain and body to know what exactly my alters are doing wanting, needing? You are ASSUMING that my alters are screaming based on your own experiences with your alters.

MY alters are NOT screaming for help because they are NOT people.

MY alters can NOT scream for me to help them because MY alters are MY memories of MY being abused – (being raped, being hit etcetera)

MY alters are can NOT scream for me to help them because MY alters are MY emotions that I felt during abuse ( pain, sadness, anger, embarrassment etcetera).


MY alters are NOT like yours.

WHAT WORKS FOR YOU AND YOUR ALTERS AND WHAT YOU THINK I NEED TO DO, HAVE TO DO AND WHAT YOU THINK MY ALTERS ARE DOING AND NEEDING AND WANTING IS NOT WHAT I NEED TO DO, HAVE TO DO, AND IS NOT WHAT MY ALTERS ARE THINKING, DOING, WANTING AND NEEDING.

You feel I am getting aggressive. Well read your replys to me and think about these replys as being to you instead of to me. And they are by someone you don’t even know on line or even your therapist.

is this the way you want people who are strangers to you on line or your therapist to be talking to you? …telling you that “you have to …” telling you that what your treatment plan wont work, that there is no cure and you will always be stuck with the problems that you are trying to take care of so you can have a better life, telling you what your alters are feeling and wanting and needing instead of finding out what you and your alters are feeling, wanting and needing, when you tell someone on line that you are past something and they refuse to accept this and keep telling you instead that you still have these problems that you have told them you are past…

How would you react?


You say you are going into the field of therapy?

Good therapists don’t ASSUME they know what their clients are feeling. They ask their clients what they are feeling. They don’t ASSUME their clients alters are feeling as certain way – they ask the client or the alter when ever communication is possible. Therapists don’t tell their client that they HAVE to do something. They make suggestions and leave it up to the client whether or not they do they don’t tell the client what they HAVE to work on. They suggest goals and the client decides if that goal is what they want to work on, They ask the client questions like “why are you here?” “Why do you think you need therapy?” “What do you want to do today?”

They remain open minded and don’t force their own personal beliefs on to their clients. They tell their this is what I think about that issue and you may have a different point of view. They don’t tell their clients that they can’t accomplish a goal that the client sets for their self. Instead they say ok lets see if we can find ways to accomplish this goal, project etcetera..

Therapists that go at the client using statements like “You have to….” “I’m sure your alters feel this way (before even finding out if the alter feels that way)…” and so on that you have posted to me end up being fired as that clients therapist or as some clients call it “Dropping my therapist they are addressing their own needs not my needs and wants” and most times get fired from agencys and lose their certifications and licenses after so many complaints by clients that the therapist is doing the things that you have posted to me (telling them they have to, that they can’t accomplish their goals, that they will never be better and free of that mental disorder that they have etcetera..

feeling banished guys, feel very sad might have to go talk to a therapist on this one, or maybe even a dr. too bad i was just getting started, felt comfortable with Candy reading my thoughts.

Sammy that sounds like a good idea! I want you to understand that some of the things you were saying and the way you were saying them was very triggering to other viewers.
My offer is still open to you to write me personally and you and I can talk privatly. But I have to protect everyone who visites my site.
I do hope to hear from you via email
eycn1@aol.com
Talk to you later!
Candy

anyone out there?????? anyone? thats ok if not it all good