A guy walked into the local welfare office to pick up his check.
He marched straight up to the counter and said, "Hi. You know...., I just HATE drawing welfare. I'd really rather have a job."

The social worker behind the counter said, "Your timing is excellent. We just got a job opening from a very wealthy old man who wants a Chauffeur and bodyguard for his beautiful daughter. You'll have to drive around in his 2011 Mercedes-Benz CL, and he will supply all of your clothes.

"Because of the long hours, meals will be provided. You'll also be expected to escort the daughter on her overseas holiday trips.

This is rather awkward to say but you will also have, as part of your job, the assignment to satisfy her sexual urges as the daughter is in her mid-20's and has a rather strong sex drive."

The guy, just plain wide-eyed, said, "You're bull****tin' me!"

The social worker said, "Yeah, well ... You started it."

LOL

OK i just spit beer all over my key board !!!!!

Roger, 85, married Jenny, a lovely 25 year old .

Since her new husband is so old, Jenny decides that after their wedding she and Roger should have separate bedrooms, because she is concerned that her new but aged husband may over-exert himself if they spend the entire night together.

After the wedding festivities Jenny prepares herself for bed and the expected knock on the door. Sure enough the knock comes, the door opens and there is Roger, her 85 year old groom, ready for action. They unite as one. All goes well, Roger takes leave of his bride, and she prepares to go to sleep.

After a few minutes, Jenny hears another knock on her bedroom door, and it's Roger. He is ready for more action. Somewhat surprised, Jenny consents. When the newly-weds are done, Roger kisses his bride, bids her a fond good night and leaves.

She is set to go to sleep again but, aha, you guessed it - Roger is back again, rapping on the door and is as fresh as a 25-year-old, ready for more action, which they enjoy once more.

But as Roger gets set to leave again, his young bride says to him, 'I am thoroughly impressed that at your age you can perform so well and so often. I have been with guys less than a third of your age who were only good once. You are truly a great lover, Roger.'

Roger, somewhat embarrassed, turns to Jenny and says: 'You mean I was here already?'


Don't be afraid of getting old, Alzheimer's has its advantages.

PS. Have I already sent this to you ?

I met a beautiful woman in the park the other evening . . .,
There was an instant spark between us and she fell at my feet.

As we laid there, making love, I thought to myself,











"These tasers are well worth the money . . ..''

A gynecologist had become fed up with malpractice
insurance and HMO paperwork, and was burned out.

Hoping to try another career where skillful hands
would be beneficial, he decided to become a mechanic.
He went to the local technical college, signed up for evening
classes, attended diligently, and learned all he could.

When the time of the practical exam approached,
the gynecologist prepared carefully for weeks,
and completed the exam with tremendous skill.

When the results came back, he was surprised to
find that he had obtained a score of 150%.
Fearing an error, he called the Instructor, saying,
"I don't want to appear ungrateful for such
an outstanding result, but I wonder if there is an
error in the grade?"

"The instructor said, "During the exam, you took
the engine apart perfectly, which was worth 50%
of the total mark.
You put the engine back together again
perfectly, which is also worth 50% of the mark."

After a pause, the instructor added, "I gave you an
extra 50% because you did it all through the
muffler, which I've never seen done in my
entire career"

Found on the Refrigerator One Morning



To My Dear Wife, You will surely understand that I have certain needs that you, being 54 years old, can no longer satisfy. I am very happy with you and I value you as a good wife. Therefore, after reading this letter, I hope that you will not wrongly interpret the fact that I will be spending the evening with my 18 year old secretary at the Comfort Inn Hotel. Please don't be Upset----I shall be home before midnight.*




When the man came home late that night, he found the following letter on the dining room table.

To My Dear Husband,

I received your letter and thank you for your honesty
about my being 54 years old. I would like to take this opportunity to
remind you that you are also 54 years old. As you know, I am a math
teacher at our local college. I would like to inform you that while you
read this, I will be at the Hotel Fiesta with Michael, one of my
students, who is also the assistant tennis coach. He is young, virile,
and like your secretary, is 18 years old.


As a successful businessman who has an excellent knowledge of math, you
will understand that we are in the same situation, although with one small
difference - 18 goes into 54 a lot more times than 54 goes into 18.

Therefore, I will not be home until sometime tomorrow.

THATS FUNNY I DONT CARE WHO YOU ARE!!!!!!!!!

(potty humor) I was barely sitting down, when I heard a voice from the next bathroom stall saying: "Hi! How are you?" Now I'm not the type to get into a restroom conversation, so I don't know what made me answer, but I did, somewhat embarrassed, say, "Doing just fine." And the other person says: "What are you up too?" What the heck kind of question is that? At this point I'm thinking this is just too bizarre! But I say: "Uhhh. Just taking care of business." Now I'm just trying to get out of there as fast as I can, when I hear another question: "Can I come over?" Wow! This is getting way to weird for me! To politely end the coversation I say: "No...I'm a little busy right now!!!" Then I hear the person nervously say: "Listen, I'll have to call you back. There's some dumb ass in the next stall who keeps answering all my questions!" Forward to all the people in your phone, that need a good laugh!

Dr Walmart

One day, in line at the company cafeteria, Joe says to Mike behind
him, "My elbow hurts like hell. I guess I'd better see a doctor."
"Listen, you don't have to spend that kind of money," Mike replies.
"There's a diagnostic computer down at Wal-Mart. Just give it a urine
sample and the computer will tell you what's wrong and what to do
about it.
It takes ten seconds and costs ten dollars . . . A lot cheaper than a
doctor."

So, Joe deposits a urine sample in a small jar and takes it to
Wal-Mart.
He deposits ten dollars, and the computer lights up and asks for the
urine sample. He pours the sample into the slot and waits.

Ten seconds later, the computer ejects a printout:
"You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water and avoid heavy
activity. It will improve in two weeks.

Thank you for shopping @Wal-Mart."

That evening, while thinking how amazing this new technology was, Joe
began wondering if the computer could be fooled.
He mixed some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, urine samples
from his wife and daughter, and a sperm sample for good measure.
Joe hurries back to Wal-Mart, eager to check the results. He deposits
ten dollars, pours in his concoction, and awaits the results.

The computer prints the following:
1. Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener. (Aisle 9)
2. Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo. (Aisle 7)
3. Your daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her into rehab.
4. Your wife is pregnant. Twins. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer.
5. If you don't stop playing with yourself, your elbow will never get
better!

Thank you for shopping @ Wal-Mart

One day in the future, OJ Simpson has a heart-attack and dies.

He immediately goes to hell, where the devil is waiting for him.

'I don't know what to do here,' says the devil. 'You are on my list, but I have no room for you. You definitely have to stay here, so I'll tell you what I'm going to do. I've got a couple of folks here who weren't quite as bad as you. I'll let one of them go, but you have to take their place. I'll even let YOU decide who leaves.'


OJ thought that sounded pretty good, so the devil opened the door to the first room.

In it was Ted Kennedy and a large pool of water. Ted kept di ving in, and surfacing, empty handed. Over, and over, and over he dove in and surfaced with nothing. Such was his fate in hell.

'No,' OJ said. 'I don't think so. I'm not a good swimm er, and I don't think I could do that all day long.'

The devil led him to the door of the next room.

In it was Al Gore with a sledgehammer and a room full of rocks. All he did was swing that hammer, time after time after
time. 'No, this is no good; I've got this problem with my shoulder. I would be in constant agony if all I could do was break rocks all day,' commented OJ.

The devil opened a third door. Through it, OJ saw Bill Clinton, lying on the bed, his arms tied over his head, and his legs restrained in a spread-eagle pose. Bent over him was Monica Lewinsky, doing what she does best.
OJ looked at this in shocked disbelief, and finally said, 'Yeah man, I can hand le this.'

The devil smiled and said . . . . . (This is priceless)





'OK, Monica, you're free to go.'

A Blonde's Year in Review

January
Took new scarf back to store because it was too tight.

February
Fired from pharmacy job for failing to print labels.....
Helllloooo!!!.......bottles won't fit in printer!!!

March
Got really excited.....finished jigsaw puzzle in 6 months.....
Box said ' 2-4 years!'

April
Trapped on escalator for hours ...
Power went out!!!

May
Tried to make Kool-Aid.....wrong instructions....
8 cups of water won't fit into those little packets!!!

June
Tried to go water skiing.......
Couldn't find a lake with a slope.

July
Lost breast stroke swimming competition.....
Learned later, the other swimmers cheated, they used their arms!!!

August
Got locked out of my car in rain storm.....
Darn car filled up with water because convertible top was open.

September
The capital of California is 'C'.....isn't it???

October
Hate M & M's.....They are so hard to peel.

November
Baked Thanksgiving turkey for 4 1/2 days ...
Instructions said bake 1 hour per pound and I weigh 108!!

December

Couldn't call 911.
'Duh'.....there's no 'eleven' button on the stupid phone!!!

On the first day of school, the children brought gifts for their teacher. The florist's son brought her a bouquet of flowers. The
candy-store owner's daughter gave her a pretty box of candy.

Then the liquor-store owner's son brought up a big, heavy box. The teacher lifted it up and noticed that it was leaking. She touched a
drop of the liquid with her finger and tasted it.

"Is it wine?" she guessed.

"No," the boy replied.

She tasted another drop and asked, "Is it Champagne?"

"No," said the little boy, "It's a puppy!"

A little boy walked into his parents bedroom and saw his mother without a top on. He pointed to her breast's and asked "What are those?" She wasnt sure what to say, and quickly said, "Those are my ballons and when I die someone will blow them up and I will float right up to heaven." A few days later the little boy called his father at work and was crying and telling his dad "Mommies dying! mommies dying!!" The father franticly asked "What happened?" the little boy said "I dont know, but the mailman is in mommies room blowing up her ballons and mommy keeps screaming OH GOD I'm COMING!!

A 6th grade science teacher, Mrs. Parks, asked her class,

'Which human body part increases to ten times its size when stimulated?'
No one answered until little Mary stood up and said,
'You should not be asking sixth graders a question like that!

I'm going to tell my parents, and they will go and tell the
Principal, who will then fire you!'
Mrs. Parks ignored her and asked the question again,
'Which body part increases to 10 times its size when stimulated?'
Little Mary's mouth fell open. Then she said to those around her,
'Boy, is she going to get in big trouble!'
The teacher continued to ignore her and said to the class,
'Anybody?'
Finally , Billy stood up, looked around nervously, and said,
'The body part that increases 10 times its size when stimulated
Is the pupil of the eye.'
Mrs. Parks said, 'Very good, Billy,' then turned to Mary and continued ..
'As for you, young lady, I have three things to say:
One, you have a dirty mind.
Two, you didn't read your homework.
And three, one day you are going to be very, VERY disappointed..'

Just got off the phone with a friend in North Dakota . He said that since early this morning the snow has been nearly waist high and is still falling. The temperature is dropping below zero and the north wind is increasing. His wife has done nothing but look through the kitchen window all day. He says that if it gets much worse, he may have to let her in.

Join Date: Jul 2007
Location: Lebanon, Maine
Posts: 1,764 Wal Mart Greeter...

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Charley, a new retiree-greeter at Wal-Mart, just couldn't seem to get to work on time.

Every day he was 5, 10, 15 minutes late. But he was a good worker, really tidy, clean-shaven, sharp-minded and a real credit to the company and obviously demonstrating their "Older Person Friendly" policies.
One day the boss called him into the office for a talk.
"Charley, I have to tell you, I like your work ethic, you do a bang-up job, but your being late so often is quite bothersome."
"Yes, I know boss, and I am working on it."
"Well good, you are a team player. That's what I like to hear.
It's odd though your coming in late. I know you're retired from the Armed Forces. What did they say if you came in late there?"






"They said, "Good morning, Admiral, can I get you coffee, sir?"

Cletus is passing by Billy Bob's hay barn one day when, through a gap in
the door, he sees Billy Bob doing a slow and sensual striptease in front of an Old green John Deere.

Buttocks clenched, he performs a slow pirouette, and gently slides off first
the right strap of his overalls, followed by the left. He then hunches his
shoulders forward and in a classic striptease move, lets his overalls fall
down to his hips, revealing a torn and frayed plaid shirt. Then, grabbing
both sides of his shirt, he rips it apart to reveal his stained T-shirt
underneath. With a final flourish, he tears the T-shirt from his body, and
hurls his baseball cap onto a pile of hay.

Having seen enough, Cletus rushes in and says,"What the heck are you doing, Billy Bob?"

"Jeez, Cletus, ya scared the bejeezers out of me," says an obviously
embarrassed Billy Bob. "But me'n the Ol' Lady been havin trouble lately in the bedroom d'partment, and the therapist suggested I do 'something sexy to a tractor'."

You Might be Trailer Trash, if..


1. The Halloween pumpkin on your front porch has more teeth than your spouse.

2. You let your 12-year-old daughter smoke at the dinner table in front of her kids.

3. You've been married three times and still have the same in-laws.

4. You think a woman who is "out of your league" bowls on a different night.

5. Jack Daniels makes your list of "Most Admired People."

6. You wonder how service stations keep their restrooms so clean.

7. Anyone in your family ever died right after saying, "Hey, watch this."

8. You've got more than one brother named 'Darryl'.

9. You think that Dom Perignon is a Mafia leader.

10. Your Junior/Senior Prom had a daycare.

11. You think the last words to' The Star Spangled Banner' are, "Gentlemen, start your engines".

12. You lit a match in the bathroom and your house exploded right off its wheels.

13. The bluebook value of your truck goes up and down, depending on how much gas it has in it.

14. You have to go outside to get something out of the 'fridge.

15. One of your kids was born on a pool table.

16. You need one more hole punched in your card to get a freebie at the House of Tattoos.

17. Your wife's hairdo was once ruined by a ceiling fan.

18. You can't get married to your sweetheart 'cause there's a law against it.

19. You dated one of your parents' current spouses in high school.

20. You think loading the dishwasher means getting your wife drunk.

21. Your school fight song is "Dueling Banjos".

22. Your toilet paper has page numbers on it

An old man, Mr. Wallace, was living in a nursing home.

One day he appeared to be very sad and depressed.

Nurse Tracy asked him if there was anything wrong,

'Yes, Nurse Tracy ,' said Mr. Wallace.

'My Private Part died today, and I am very sad.'

Knowing her patients were a little forgetful and sometimes a little
crazy, she replied, 'Oh, I'm so sorry, Mr. Wallace. Please accept my
condolences.'

The following day, Mr. Wallace was walking down the hall with his
Private Part hanging out of his pajamas.

He met Nurse Tracy. 'Mr. Wallace,' she said, 'You shouldn't be walking down the hall like that. Please put your Private Part back inside your pajamas.'

'But, Nurse Tracy I can't,' replied Mr. Wallace.
'I told you yesterday that my Private Part died.'

'Yes,' said Nurse Tracy, 'you did tell me that, but why is it hanging out of your pajamas?'

(You've gotta love this ..)

'Well,' he replied, 'Today is the viewing.'

A surgeon went to check on his blonde patient after an operation..

She was awake, so he examined her.
"You'll be fine," he said.

She asked,
"How long will it be before I am able to have a normal sex life again doctor?"



The surgeon seemed to pause, which alarmed the girl.

"What's the matter Doctor? I will be all right, won't I?"

He replied, "Yes, you’ll be fine.
It's just that no one has ever asked me that after
Having their tonsils out."

Perils of a Baptist Upbringing


As I walked down the busy sidewalk with my wife, knowing I was late for church, my eye fell upon one of those unfortunate, ragged vagabonds that are found in every city these days. Some people turned to stare. Others quickly looked away as if the sight would somehow contaminate them.


Recalling my old pastor, Brother James, who always admonished me to "care for the sick, feed the hungry and clothe the naked," I was moved by some powerful inner urge to reach out to this unfortunate person.

Wearing what can only be described as rags, carrying her treasured worldly possessions in two plastic bags, my heart was touched by this person's condition.

Yes, where some people saw only rags, I saw a true, hidden beauty.

A small voice inside my head called out, "Reach out, reach out and touch this person!"


















So I did.




I won't be at church this week.