We are about to have a Brigade run. I am to go to the assembly area. Brenna (a younger lady from school) is with me. I am on my way toward a white in color house/building on the base. I see an Army Sergeant who reminds me of SGT Baier – the supply NCO in my first regular unit of assignment in Germany – I know that he is quartered in this house and that it is also a Supply Room. Brenna expresses a negative sentiment toward me, as if she does not believe in me, does not think well of me. SGT Baier tells me to get the Guidon and bring it to the assembly area. I think that SGT Baier intends for me to carry the Guidon at the head of the formation during the run – and I think that’s a lot of pressure, I may not be able to maintain the pace while carrying the guidon. I also think that SGT Baier knows I cannot carry the guidon through the run and intends to see me fail at that. I get the guidon, but am then aware of being in the midst of the formation, instead of leading the formation with the guidon. I also feel, “I wasn’t able to do it,” and am feeling some down on myself about that. Then, after the run, Michael Rudnicki is communicating with me. He says to me, gently, “Kris, I think it is time for you to turn in your resignation. Then, something to the effect of, “That if it is too much to keep up with, it is best that this be done.” I know that this decision has been made for me, already, and Michael was only officially fulfilling the announcement of that by coming to talk to me, yet, inside, I feel, “No, I will appeal this."

Before going to sleep this evening, I was deeply moved by two quotes from Ammachi. One said something to the effect of, “If one tries to outrun their shadow, they will meet with sheer exhaustion.” The other quote was to the effect of, “When one learns the art of relaxation, life will flow smoothly, effortlessly.”

I think Brenna represents some of the inner negativity I have known. She doesn’t really believe in herself. She works in a warehouse at FedEx. I am also aware that she maintains a live-in relationship with a man of very poor character, that is not really “there, for her.” When I try to extend to her, positively, she cannot always receive it, but, sometimes, she does. When she is able to receive it, I can see that she is coming from an already more positive energy within herself. I like the moments when I am able to ‘connect’ with her. They have been more frequent, lately. Perhaps if it were not for her (my) negativity, my dream ego would not have perceived SGT Baier (this whole dream) as it did.

SGT Baier was a tall, thin, good-looking NCO, a “super soldier,” and a great runner who did carry the guidon in company runs. While I was a good runner, and often received a maximum score on my timed test, it is true that I was never quite well enough conditioned to carry the unit guidon. The persons who carried the guidon were of superb cardiovascular conditioning – and would often run laps all the way around the formation with the guidon, hooting and hollering, as a way of building espirit de corps. I thought the ability to lap around the formation was a collateral expectation in carrying the guidon and THAT would have winded me, greatly. So, I feared ever trying to carry it, but did have fantasies of being able to do so, wanted to be able to do so, not just to prove my self capable of doing so, but to embody that spirit of zest and vigor I imagined in those who did circle the formation with it – how it seemed to amplify that team spirit.

Michael Rudnicki has always been a very positive image in my dreams. He knows what a good soldier I was, what I was capable of, what I achieved, and he always validated that for me, always believed in me. So, what is he asking me to do? I think the dream is actually a form of positive pressure. Kind of saying, “Look at what you have done to yourself via deflation/negative inflation … and don’t do THAT any longer, resign the negativity. I think it is asking me to let go of the negative pressure I internally placed on my self, all of my life…the driving need to do well which was born of actually feeling, “I can’t,” was “not as able, not as good.” I think it is telling me there is no need to “prove” my self to others any longer – that I needn’t and never did need to “run laps around everything.” I feel the dream also asking me to own the positive side of my military experience – the values, the commitment; the dedication and discipline; the inspiration and team spirit; the drive and motivation – to let go of all the negative associations and pressures and apply the positives traits to my life and path, now. To reclaim the zest and vigor to carry “my flag” in my life. I think Michael is asking me to resign the old me, telling that "it is time!"

Kristi

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Kristi,
I'll tackle your dream either later today or in the morning. The social dragon is 'breathing' fire down my neck this morning and time is short.

gerard/Jerry

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Kristi,
I have to put off an interpretation again. I will have much more time on Friday and I promise an interpretation. Thanks for the patience.
gerard/Jerry

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That is fine. Thank you, Gerard.

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Kristi,
"Brenna expresses a negative sentiment toward me, as if she does not believe in me, does not think well of me". Is this the 'feminine' rebelling against the masculine powers that often dominate your personality? SGT Baier is quartered in this 'house' [we know what house represents} and that part is what often 'supplies' your dominate ego. SGT. Baier {bare?} wants you to use the masculine at the 'head' of the formation. But having knowledge of the strong 'feminine' the masculine is concerned about its masculine influence. I see this as a positive conflict of opposites seeking control of your psyche. Positive in that it is questioning that dominate masculine role you have lived for so long so to revive the feminine Self. It doesn't mean you relinquish your masculine self, it merely suggests there needs to be a balance of the two feminine/masculine qualities.

Remember, the dream is about you. Those qualities that the real Brenna possesses represent qualities within you {"She doesn’t really believe in herself."}.

SGT Baier is your masculine self {animus qualities}. This dominate masculine aspect has been your life for a long time and served you well while you were in that masculine dominated society. But that was then. Now you are in a whole new world, a world of mid-life reflection, turning inward. And going inward with self discovery you find something more than just ego and personality. Jung says you discovery those greater qualities and the strongest qualities. And those are of the feminine nature {as in the discussion of Jesus and Mary Magdalen}.

I see this dream as a continuing statement of the conflict between dominate masculine qualities that do not serve you well any longer against the inner qualities of self discovery that better serve you in the mid-life years.

Michael Rudnicki is that positive masculine self that wishes to work with the feminine and create the balance you seek and need in this phase of life {and in life in general}. "Resign the negativity", the wise masculine within.

gerard/Jerry

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Thank you, Gerard.

It is, as always, very helpful. I've not more time to comment now, as I have to be back out the door, in just a few moments. A busy day! But, yes, I was aware that Brenna is also an aspect of me - and my encounter with her Tuesday gave me a clearer reflection of this. I've been working with this (all of this, more) the last few days ... some tearful moments, they have been.

Kristi

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Gerard,

What you said of SGT Baier really helped me to see the meaning of him in this dream … and yes, I feel that is becoming very “clear” (Bare) in me.

I feel Brenna is actually both… both the feminine rebelling against the negative masculine … and a reflection of how the negative masculine has influenced my persona, how the feminine expression is crippled by a negative masculine (not believing in her self/my self). She is in waking life currently in the process of ending the bad relationship, and has been of a negative temperament recently, some of which has pushed buttons inside of me. And in this I can see some of the same negativity of my own personality – and the why of it, where it came from. Having my emotional buttons pushed, I had to look at why and see and understand the pain she was enduring, which is similar to that which I have known. In seeing this, I was moved very compassionately, toward her, and my self, thankful for the reflection, and shedding the tears of that pain.

Yes, a continuing statement on the conflict with the dominant masculilne. I feel and experience the strength and beauty of the feminine, greatly, but it feels some like a tug of war inside of me right now - with the old habits/ways of being not wanting to relinquish control. And there is a lot of pain beneath all that control. That too strong, too confident suit of bravado I wore (while then serving me well) also controlled/covered my emotional self, and as it continues to come off, so to do the tears of all those years.

I will forever be thankful for Michael Rudnicki’s presence in my life…and how he continues to come to my dreams in such a helpful fashion.

Kristi

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