Hi everyone

I had the following dream the night before last:

I am at SK's house. His home has been expanded into an international student house. He shares a room with a female. I want to spend the night with him but he's not comfortable. I look over and the female roommate has her boyfriend in the bed with her so I think its ok for SK to have a guest too. The boyfriend is wearing glasses, in bed. SK is wearing long silk maroon or burgundy coloured pyjamas. He tries to get me to spend the night in the kitchen/hallway. Then a female student/classmate of his (stranger in dream) wearing a purple dress with long dark hair and a tan and nice shape and slightly seductive is studying some notes with him so he's distracted. He leaves to go to the bathroom and I look closely at her and I realise that she is me. (I also have long dark hair and a tan, and the funny thing was I was jealous of myself.) I go out of the room to search for a toilet and I pass the hall and suddenly the house has turned into a spiritual retreat center. There is a dog in the men's bathroom and a shrimp is crawling around in the women's..very weird. I think to myself that the retreat center should not have put the bathrooms near the kitchen area. When SK was studying with the purple dress girl (me) I point out some cute kids sitting there.

Then I had a date with SK last night and it was for the most part nice. Then I had this dream:

There is a man and he has been severely injured, but he was some sort of soldier in a war and because he betrayed and sold out everyone, many many people were hurt.

Please help!

Thanks,
May

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Hi May,

What are your very first, gut level responses/feelings (before thought begins, so to speak) to these two dreams?

Kristi

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May,
Let me reply to the second, very short dream.

The injured man would be SK {although it may be speaking to your own masculine aspects as well}. The injury may represent emotional pain you feel for him. His being a soldier in a war may suggest the conflict you are having with the relationship. His selling out {referring to Kristi's 'gut feeling' suggestion} may be an intuitive if not objective assessment of how you feel at times to his response to the relationship. Of course the many people who were hurt would include you, and your many emotions in dealing with this relationship.

Jerry [pray}

Age & Gender & Location {Required}: 59 Murfreesboro, Tn

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May,
A long explanation to a very short dream.

I want to take backtrack on my first post and expand my thoughts. The unnamed man is partly you as it is referencing some aspect you see in SK. We must never forget the first rule about dreams. Your dream is about you. And in particular your emotions. Although the dream may be referencing SK, the traits described in the dream probably fitting him also, it is only because of his relationship with you {focusing on the emotional conflicts} that it does so. You, the inner self as well as the outer self, some part of your masculine identity {animus} has been injured. That may suggest the masculine aspects in your life are not fully functioning as they should. Inner wise that would apply to your animus. In the outer waking life that would be SK.

Since dreams deal only in truths we must take your opinion as shown in the dream of SK as a truth. And the condition of the inner masculine also a truth. Why a reference to the injury in his waking life may apply to a personal aspect that has not been produced in your posts. But the injury to you, your inner injured masculine self {to discover what particular aspect that would be would require a more detailed dream}, is also part of the dream message. Understanding the personal inner qualities could be important to discovering patterns of behavior you exhibit. If a particular aspect of the animus is injured then that could produce a pattern of behavior in your waking life that has an inability to be fully masculine productive.

The injury and the soldier part may be addressing something about the emotional tone of the relationship also. But the jest of the dream seems to be in the 'betrayal' and 'selling out' that punctuates the dream. I use punctuate because that is what caused the 'hurt' in you {the many, many people representing not only the combined aspects that make up who you are but possibly the many times you have felt hurt in the relationship with SK}. It could very well may the 'hurt' is the injured masculine aspect the dream has referenced. If a man is injured he may be considered not being fully masculine, showing emotion god forbid, showing hurt. Hurt is usually thought of as a feminine quality {men supposedly cover up such emotions}.

Getting back to the betrayal and selling out, that probably fits SK to some degree, at list as you have thought of him and his actions at some time in the relationship. But it would also apply to how you feel about yourself. Giving in to what you may know is not what you should do. Selling out the 'soul' in the name of love. Everyone is at one time or another 'blinded' by emotions. Love is a primary emotion.

It may also be addressing an intuitive aspect, important to realize and understand because that aspect is always right. Although I am usually the first to point to such intuitive aspects {Kristi did in her gut feelings post} I refrained from doing so sooner because you do seem in be in a very emotional frame of mind. That could blur the fine line between intuitive/gut feelings hat point you in the right direction and the emotional stress which can often take you in directions that can be uncharacteristic.

I know Kristi is paying attention and I will let her get the first shot at interpreting the first, longer dream {or Justin, or anyone else who wishes to do so}. It is definitely addressing your relationship with SK {named people in a dream, those who are close relationships, can be taken literal in most instances}. At first glance it is hard to determine if there are any associations in the two dreams. Of course we know the dream is about you. So why you would be jealous of yourself is a key question to be answered.

One thing that caught my attention was the boyfriend was wearing glasses. Not SK by name but the boyfriend. Could it be he, the metaphorical boyfriend can not see real well? And he is in bed. Is that a clue?

Dreams are great puzzles.

Jerry

Age & Gender & Location {Required}: 59 Murfreesboro, Tn

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Dear Kristi and Jerry,

I am really grateful to your posts and I'll do my best to reply here.

In terms of my intuition about what I think the dream means:

In SK's native country, the clothing he was wearing is wedding attire. The colour and the style is what the groom would wear on his wedding day. It could also be pyjama's but the first meaning is derived from his cultural tradition.

He has a male roommate in real life who I've never met. I haven't really met any of his friends and this is one of my areas of concern. He is from a conservative culture but not introducing one's girlfriend to one's social circle could mean she is temporary. I am not sure. The female in the other bed could be another woman, but the imagery does not at all suggest cheating. In fact, the other woman not only had her own boyfriend, but gave me an excuse to justify spending the night at SKs in the dream. 'The boyfriend' could very well be alluding to SK, wearing glasses in bed, he is in love, but it is unconscious love. All three of them were lying flat on their backs, rather stiffly. What is weird is that SK has a male roommate, who has a girlfriend, yet the dream made his roommate a female, perhaps again another woman though again it doesn't seem that way. Who that woman is, she is a facet of me, she is SK's unconscious girlfriend, maybe the part of me that is receiving his anima projections, (unconscious, in bed), or the fact that our relationship has not progressed beyond an unconscious one, or the fact that it has not entered into the social space of being a legitmate relationship, since wearing glasses in bed, is out of place, as in, we are a couple, but not really, which is another one of my major concerns which even though I've discussed it with him. The fact that he does not want me to spend the night in his bedroom but in his kitchen has a double meaning for me. First, that a kitchen is a place of nourishment, where food is cooked slowly, where things take time, and where people socialise and converse, so there is an element of positive nurturing in the relationship and good intention. However it was a kitchen/hallway which could also mean a temporary transitional place, which could mean, linking together the lack of social acceptance for our relationship, that he considers it temporary, or that the dream is showing me a very unresolved fear, rational or not. The fact that he doesn't want me in his bed or his bedroom means that he is excluding me from his sexualty, from intimacy and from the one thing that makes a marriage a marriage, even though he is dressed as my groom. Then he is preoccupied with something related to his studies, and finances, which in real life he said that he had some issues with getting funding, asked to borrow money and when I refused, on our date was calling a girl to help him get a note from a doctor that would help him not go to class and still keep his student visa, so technically he solved that problem, or so he says and only asked to borrow money once and dropped it. I was jealous of that girl because she was taking his attention from me, yet I am that girl. Yet the attention he was giving her wasn't emotional, or loving, it was business, perhaps the jealous I felt that he was on a date with me yet having a business phone call, or I'm afraid his relationship with me is business and not legitimate. Then he disappeared. The fact that the girl (me) wasn't interested in the children is weird because realistically I want to have kids with him, I didn't with my ex. This is weird and the fact that he just left.

His house turning into a retreat, there is an element of his house (his soul), his being, as a source of comfort and nurturing for me. On a deep level he is there for me and this is why I am so in love with him even though I also have these other concerns I mention here. We were on a retreat together and it was in the past when we weren't sure we were going to be a couple again, and he introduced me as a friend because we had broken up, and he wasn't sure if we were going to have a future. That hurt because I wasn't sure if it was because he wasn't sure, if if he is hiding me from being a real girlfriend in public and hiding something from me. The bathrooms close to the kitchen symbolises something not being right in the relationship, as in, its all great and wonderful, nurturing and nice, but there is also something crappy going on that is ruining it, and those are my concerns, based on his actions, my fears, based on my insecurities, and an unknown or hidden or potential deceptive things he may be hiding, either real, or just fears on my part. The dog in the bathroom...instincts, mine or his that need to be cleared out or given a chance to be expressed, either the instinct to trust him or the instinct to run away and since there is a conflict here I am not sure what it is. The shrimp...perhaps I am feeling my needs have been minimised.

I am guessing.

Now the facts, after the date he called my parents which made me so happy and feel like he was serious about me. It was really cool on that social level. On a deep soul level I feel my parents betrayed me so I want him to get along with them yes, but I want him on my side more. This could explain the animus in the second dream betraying me.

After those two dreams, SK proposed to me, but by a text message. When we talked I asked him the date and he said in three weeks. My red flags went up because I'm not sure that he has solved his problem and I called am immigration lawyer who confirmed that legally marriage would solve his problem. I told SK and of course he denies he has a problem. He is also opposed to dating me formally, wants me to pay half the rent, has raised red flags with me in the past about serious things like potential abuse and has treated me badly, mixed in with treating me very nicely, so I have been and am, confused, in love, vulnerable and scared.

I am not going to agree to the three week date. When I suggested 6 months he was annoyed. Time will tell.

The betrayed man could also explain that I feel I betrayed SK by doubting the sincerity of his marriage proposal and his character. As I said, he has given me mixed messages so I am not sure. I am not going to marry him in three weeks but I also do not want to lose him.......

Further dreams, gut feelings and his actions will clarify. His calling my parents on one level was exactly what I wanted and wonderful...the hurt little girl in me though who isn't happy with my parents might not have liked it.

My gut feeling now is, be wary and patient, but also don't hurt his feelings and lose him. I feel he is a good guy and he loves me and his heart is in the right place, but there is weird stuff that needs to be settled first, and I'm scared and don't want to lose him but I've told him directly that I'm concern he might want to be using me. This would explain the first dream where he is dressed as my groom yet wants to keep me in the hallway, and teh business meeting..maybe he just wants to marry me for his visa status.....

feeling so awful....so sad....and pressured and have much to deal with with my life and am drained by this, yet also happy and losing him makes me feel anxious and depressed....

Thanks so much,
May

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Hi May,

I'll try to provide some input to your dreams this evening.

Kristi

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May,
I'll provide my thoughts later today also.

Jerry [meitate]

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May,

I'd like to give some things back for you to look at:

Who that woman is, she is a facet of me, she is SK's unconscious girlfriend, maybe the part of me that is receiving his anima projections, (unconscious, in bed)

Then a female student/classmate of his (stranger in dream) wearing a purple dress with long dark hair and a tan and nice shape and slightly seductive ... I look closely at her and I realise that she is me ... I was jealous of myself

Are you "hearing"/seeing what you said of these woman, for they are you, aspects of your shadow (and not just SKs anima projections).

If you consider this for a bit more, does it change your understanding of the dream? What do these shadow aspects say about you?

Let me suggest a bit more, as you consider the dream again:

I am at SK's house. His home has been expanded into an international student house.

“Expanded” = made larger. Is something being made larger so that you may see more clearly?

What needs to be seen more clearly? “An international student house.” … These are locations of temporary stays, while the international student completes their education and moves on to their future agenda/life, etc.

A question to ask: What is going on in this international student house?

This is SK’s house, but it is also the house of you (a reflection of what is transpiring in the house of relationship with SK, as the dream goes on to show). I think you are getting a picture of the shadow of the situation in your relationship with SK.

I go out of the room to search for a toilet and I pass the hall and suddenly the house has turned into a spiritual retreat center. There is a dog in the men's bathroom and a shrimp is crawling around in the women's..very weird.

Remember now, we are talking shadow, which is what dreams normally give us to see... The dream is encouraging you to see/showing you the shadow at play.

You are going to search for the toilet, for psyche wants/encourages you to eliminate something... the dream/psyche goes on to tell/show it is the seeing of SK as your Spiritual Retreat (think a while on what "retreat(s)" are/means, objectively...)

The problem with the bathrooms... are your instincts (need for attention/acceptance, safety/security - our most basic ones ... dogs can reflect many things in a dream, depending on the person and the context ... and they may sometimes be showing tail-wagging, attention seeking behavior, the part of us trying to have our basic needs met) in the wrong place? Are they "retreating" into SK? Is this what needs to be washed? And, if you eliminated this improper positioning within yourself, would you be left with only a crawling shrimp in the woman's room?

I think this is a very helpful dream, May. There is more I could suggest, but I will leave it at this for now and await your response.

Oh, I would like to ask a few more questions? What country is SK from? And can you say more about the glasses your feminine shadow's boyfriend is wearing. Are they colored, tinted as in sunglasses?

Kristi

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May,

You said: the other woman not only had her own boyfriend, but gave me an excuse to justify spending the night at SKs in the dream

What was the excuse she gave you to spend the night at SKs in the dream?

Kristi

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Dear Jerry and Kristi,

I appreciate your replies. The glasses were normal glasses, probably dark frames, the type an academic guy would wear. The justification was that if his roommate could have her partner over, so could he. I do recognise the temporary aspects that the dream alludes to and my shadow. Retreat can also mean, back off. I tried to break up several times and we end up getting back together, because we both want to be together. It is true that there is weird behavior on SKs end, but I'm not in a place to end it. When I try to end it, I end up feeling so bad and so awful that I end up running to him and/or accepting him without negotiating when he tries to get back together. Just reading the post and contemplating ending it made me call him and tell him I miss him, not something I normally do. I think a better way would be to distract myself and not focus on breaking up because doing so triggers some sort of panicked response in me afterwards that really hurts and I end up going back to him.

I think I need to just be cool, detached and objective because my emotions are too unstable to take action on this and follow through. I tried, several times and it only drained my energy and made me weaker. I get depressed when I'm away from him. When I have a problem he is sometimes the first person I go to and that alone makes me feel better.

I also don't know yet the cause of his weirdness, it could also be that my extreme emotional reactions have put him off. I need more information and I need to stabilise myself and my life before repeating yet another traumatic breakup with him, but the advice is noted and appreciated.

May

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May,

Because you did ask for help, I will respond this one more time and do my best to be clear.

You have the answers you need, May. Your own words and (powerful) dreams are giving them to you, but because you are in the mouth/belly of the complex you cannot see.

because my emotions are too unstable to take action on this and follow through. I tried, several times and it only drained my energy and made me weaker.

That is the shirmp in the bathroom.

Stop second guessing yourself, stop doubting yourself, stop blaming the abusive behavior of others on yourself, stop finding excuses for it in yourself. Do you see how you do this? Constantly. You berate yourself, over and again.

When you doubt your intuition (bad gut feelings), it is like punching your own self in the gut. How many times will you do this before you see???

not focus on breaking up because doing so triggers some sort of panicked response in me afterwards that really hurts and I end up going back to him.

There is a very wounded person in you (she begins in your childhood) that is trying to make SK your night in shining armor, but I see a sheep in wolf's clothing. He IS abusive and the action of that abuse IS draining your energy. You ARE repeating a cycle of abuse.

There is a man and he has been severely injured, but he was some sort of soldier in a war and because he betrayed and sold out everyone, many many people were hurt..

This IS SK (loud and clear, in my opinion), but I believe it is also a reflection of you (as I said before, the inside reflects the outside) and that you are hurting yourself.

Stop hurting yourself, May.

You mentioned an analyst before? Are you still seeing the analyst?

Do the soulwork to grow and heal. It will be painful, but it will be worth it.

You must pull up your own bootstraps (fit yourself with determination) and make the decision to stop the hurt in your life, so that you will no longer be vulnerable to energy suckers like SK.

You can't save him and he can't save you, but you can save yourself. In fact, you are the only one who can! It will be hard, but when you do learn this, when you do get this, the real work will begin and with it the rewards.

I am concerned that to answer any more of your posts is to only feed into your emotional wounding, the part of you that just wants someone to soothe your cries (which is understandable when there has been hurt) without taking responsibility for yourself.
You must do the work, May, for yourself. No one else can.

Kristi

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That should have read: I see a wolf in sheep's clothing.

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Dear Kristi and Jerry,

Again I am very grateful for your concern and insights. They are appreciated.

Since I had a dream of SK, then I believe that the SK in the dream represents SK in real life as well as an aspect of myself. The soldier then, is not SK, but an aspect of myself. As well, I have been concerned about someone I care about and it could be commenting on that person.

The dream of SK did not designate abuse or deception.
In addition, I have become wary because of my past experience, and a red flag is something for me to investigate further. I have shared all my concerns with SK and he has responded to me with kindness, concern and honestly. I believe, as I stated before that time will tell and I do not want to break up with him.

In terms of the dynamic, yes there are somethings that I don't like, and I can only take responsiblity for myself, and it is a fact that I have also done things that made him back off, so in a relationship, people's behavior does influence their partner, and I am looking at my part. This is not the same as blaming myself. This is recognising that in the past when I called him upset and said hurtful things to him, that he rightly backed off.....

As far as his motives for marriage: This man has proposed to me early on, in the past after we met months and months ago. He has consistently been proposing marriage and he did in the past introduce me as his girlfriend. We had a period of several months where I broke up with him and pushed him away and have been back together again after that. This proposal is not out of the blue and furthermore, his student situation has been normal this whole time...

Further, I don't deny his red flags. I see them and I am investigating. One principle that I like to abide by is 'innocent until proven guilty'.

I have concerns and I am following through on them and getting more information. People usually let us know who they are...so in time it shouldn't be too hard to know if he is a wolf.

As I said, I feel good with him. That is an indication of value and weight. I need to figure out for myself what I need to do.

The interpretation of my dream of SK is only a clue and even that dream does not make clear to me what I need to know or do. It does match my red flags, but the psyche will always show us what we need to heal.

The dream is not predictive, it is saying how things stand now. Even if the dream meant that its a temporary business marriage, that doesn't mean that that is what will happen. I'm not going to marry him soon. If it was a marriage of convenience he wouldn't stick around. He has consistently wanted to be my boyfriend, date me, and get married the entire time I've known him.

I don't think my job here is to defend his character or to feel defensive, but to connect with myself and my feelings, to honour them, and to follow through with them. That means all of my feelings, not just some of them. That is what wholeness means, it means honouring the full picture, not picking and choosing based on my ego. That means looking at the relationship as a sum whole, and looking at all of my feelings. I'm going to try to get counselling. My analyst was in another country and I've moved, so I can't go to that person.

I had really nice dreams last night after talking to SK for three hours about my concerns, and he said he will do whatever I need. I really do not have enough information right now to make a decision either way, and not everything is so concrete or black and white.

I do not think SK is a bad man, if I did, I would walk away. I also don't think I'm in denial because I have identified the red flags and told him all of them, and we discussed them. An abusive man wouldn't have that conversation. I know because I USED to be married to one. Women walking away from domestic violence is one of the hardest things and its rare, but I did it, and if I am that strong and that confident I serious doubt that I would ever let myself be in that situation again, because I am a stronger and healthier person and have attracted a better man.

I do agree that if I have a gut feeling I should heed it, and that sometimes a current situation maybe bad and may remind us of a bad situation. In my case, I feel good with SK. There are things he does that make me wonder, and until that's settled I won't marry him. And when my fears come up I face them.

I still need to figure out for myself if my fears are coming from me and my past, or from him.

In life, a huge part of life, say 90% IS about us and our own reactions, the other ten percent is what the other person might have done. I am empowered enough to face my own 90 per cent first, and this is what the heroine journey is, and what dreams are for me, because first and foremost, the dream is about me, and so within, so without. If SK is a wolf anyway, then so is my animus and I reckon I have to change myself. But I'm not the person I WAS when I did marry an abusive man in the PAST, and my animus is much nicer to me now, so as within so without, I do not think I am projecting out or manifesting out a wolf, just my opinion about myself, which is the only one that counts.

I'm happy that I have such a great boyfriend who loves me so much that he can't wait to marry me and be with me all the time and provide for me and be there for me. And if the situation isn't perfect, its me that has to change,not him. I can change for the better and if that doesn't cause him to value me more, then as my self confidence increases even more, if he is a wolf, he'll not be attracted to me anymore and will go away. Its a win win situation!

I'll keep posting my dreams and keep searching for the light, and in the meantime, I will keep honouring ALL my feelings and trying to be objective.

Cheers,
May

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May,

I am glad you are looking more objectively at things. That will only help.

No, the dream did not (directly) show abuse, but it, combined with your words in your expanded sharing, does seem to indicate a lot of uncertainty on your part and a strong potential that there is deception on SKs part.

It is good to take stock.

I thought of the boyfriend in bed with the feminine shadow roommate of SK that he was “your own animus” (note, “your Animus,” and NOT SK) developing, beginning to see (glasses) and advise you from the unconscious (in bed). Maybe.

I offered what I did coming from the perspective of a woman who has also been abused and has made great strides in the healing of that. I know the warning signs.

These are important dreams. Take time to get to know the female shadow characters in the dream, and the dream ego you that is being guided by your psyche.

I wish you the very best.

Kristi

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Dear Kristi and Jerry,

You are both so so so wonderful, kind and caring. I'm extremely touched by the concern you are showing for me, as well as extremely grateful.

I woke up early this morning, even earlier than I asked SK to call. (By the way he called five times before he went to work to help wake me up but I was in the kitchen and didn't hear the phone).

If it is true that his immigration status needs marriage then when I don't marry him soon, I'll find out. There is no need to break up just to discover that. He is perfectly happy waiting for me to decide when we are ready to marry, he said so and his actions so far match that.

My ex-husband wanted to marry me for the visa and when I tested him by delaying the process, he stepped up the abuse. SK is not like that and doesn't act like that.

As far as warning flags, I have fears, yes, because of what my ex-husband did to me, I developed a complex against marriage and extreme distrust, to the point that I started to trust no man. So this is something I have to face. I'm saying I may be seeing flags that have come from my past.

SK hasn't hurt me. I have to say this as well, my ex-husband actually hit me before marriage, and yes, I was blind and somehow blamed myself, and I still married him, I went into that marriage knowing it was bad and hoping to change it. Believe me, I have learned from that mistake and I won't marry SK until I am sure.

I made a counselling apointment for today and I will keep posting my dreams, and I will keep being objective, keep taking it slow and keep conscious.

By the way, I re-read my journal and I left out some details about the dream:

It was three am but the sun was shining brightly. SK did not want me in his bed, in his room or to interact with his roommates or the people in the house. He did not want me there, in that house.

There was a sign on the man's bathroom door: a boy telling his father don't do.

Someone in the bathroom wearing waterproof clothes was actually helping the dog go to the bathroom and the door made a huge mess on the floor, it was larger than the size of the dog itself and one solid piece.

The shrimp in the women's bathroom was breaded and fried as well.

The kitchen area of the retreat center had a huge dining room table and people were giving me food.

By the way, I had this dream before he proposed. In the second part of the dream I was trying to tell him about the first part of the dream about him wearing the red traditional groom's clothing but he didn't want to hear it.

In real life, after our date, right before he called my parent's I told him about this dream. Then, after he called my parent's I had the dream about the soldier, then after that he proposed, then we had two nights of three hour conversations.

I agree that IF (which won't happen) I marry him now that all the issues you point out would seriously hurt me. BUT, if I stay calm, cool and detached, and just objectively and unjudgmentally observe his behavior and my emotional responses and reactions, etc, then I will have a real foundation.

The reason I was unable to leave my ex before marriage was because my parents didn't like him for his religion and this made me think they were biased and try harder to prove them wrong, and also because I had issues with them and also because I was insecure about myself and my life and felt needy and desperate, about my career and my inner life. I have changed. The fact that I consciously, by my self and of my own choosing, freely ended that relationship marks the fact that before I even ended it I had changed for the better. That is proof of my own transformation. I am in a totally different place than I was before. Before I had real fears about supporting myself economically and professionally, but in these last five, six years, I've worked really really hard to build a foundation where I can RELY ON MYSELF to support myself financially, so I don't need to fear returning to my parents or escaping in a relationship. I've also had Jungian analysis and have been working with my dreams and have had extremely empowering experiences. Additonally, unlike five years ago, my work has been published in numerous scholarly articles, and I feel my animus is healthy and has helped me succeed in the outer world, therefore, my animus would not be the negative type that it used to be to put me in a dangerous and abusive situation.... I feel much better about myself. Also, when I met my ex, I was living in a foreign country with a culture that I had serious issues with and I was severely vulnerable. I am nowhere near that vulnerable now, and I don't believe that I've attracted a bad man into my life.

I do love SK, but with the sun shining brightly and illuminating my unconscious into consciousness and looking at everything.

People sometimes self correct. I reckon IF he has issues, if I step back a bit, he'll get creative and solve them and then he can look at himself and make the best choices. I pray always that Divine Intelligence guide his choices in respect to me, and himself, and guide me as well.

In the dating world, at the begining, men and women's interest are in direct opposistion to each other. I believe this and I believe in the philosophy behind 'The Rules'. Its very simple, women are the prey of men initially because men start out with an interest in sex, and if a woman plays hard to get, the man can have a chance to develop more refined feelings, like love and committment, and will respect her if she holds out, and doesnt chase him, lets him be the hunter. Sorry for putting it so raw, but I believe this and I think that this applies to me and SK. Statistics have demonstrated that men abuse women who pursue them or pressure them into relationships, and with my ex, I certainly did at times, and so at some point in life, IT IS EMPOWERING TO KNOW WHAT I CAN DO TO PREVENT ABUSE. This is not the same as blaming myself for the guys actions. He is responsible for himself, but the dynamic can set up a situation that goes against masculine and feminine nature. I know this is old fashioned, and many will disagree but there is truth in old wisdom. My father had to pursue my mother, the old fashioned way, and this had a huge impact on how he felt about her. I've actually talked to my dad and my brother about this and my brother denies these things, but I really, really think that when a woman steps back and watches what her guy does, rather than aggressively pursue him, it gives him a chance to self-correct and think.


With SK, I did that, and perhaps that is why he is so in love with me and crazy to be with me and marry me. I played the game, and perhaps I played it well. When I did do some really, really stupid things, he reacted badly, and stepped back. Ok, this is not the same as blaming myself for abuse.

In terms of the red flags, yeah, he did do some weird things which I talked to him about and I'm facing these might be issues.

I just need time, and I will be careful, get counselling, watch my dreams, control my side of things and make sure not to blame myself for anything bad he does. I believe in relationships dynamics can change. He hasn't abused me, he's just said something once that made me think that he might.....but it doesn't necessarily mean that....and that is something I will discuss with a therapist.

I feel happy with him and I honestly feel so depressed when we break up, it feels like a pointless loss.

Time will tell and I am soooooooooo grateful to both of you and I will think over all your posts again.

Cheers,
May

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I mean the dog, not the door.

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May,
Either I am reading your posts wrong or I am receiving conflicting messages. Perhaps I should excuse myself from further comment. I rely not only on intuitive aspects but past experience in giving the advice I gave. I've seen too many friends travel down these same roads, confused over a relationship and ultimately making the wrong choices. They too thought that they could change to make the relationship work. All the red flags were ignored. Like you they were confused but so 'in love' they were blinded. Not to say this will happen with you but please be careful.

Jerry

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Hi Jerry,

I forgot to add that in the dream SK looked like a female when he was wearing the maroon pyjama's and in his culture its not actually wedding attire.

I will be careful and I am grateful to you and Kristy as well. I'm observing and using my mind first and foremost, and I am also aware of the power of positive manifestation. I believe all is well.

Will keep you updated!
May

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I forgot to add also that the girl in the purple dress was asking him about his birthday and I was listening and felt better because I knew when it was and she didn't...

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