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Negative Mother

I thought I would like to go ahead and post these few dreams, which followed just after the last dream I posted here (Inner Masculine Wound). This is long, and deep/very personal, but I feel it will be helpful for me to share and express this. If you take the time to read it, know that as you do, you walk with my soul...

First, I am in a large community center/gymnasium. I note that I don’t feel comfortable within myself. I feel vulnerable. I am aware of being in the company of a couple other women. I need and want a change in my feeling self. I go into the woman’s locker room/restroom and am sitting on the toilet in the toilet stall and find there is a stain of blood in my panties that I am trying to clean, wipe off.

Later, I have arrived at my analyst's home. A brown haired man of about my own age has let me in. I enter into a living space of her home (unlike any space in her actual home in waking life). It is very large space. I sit on the sofa waiting for my analyst to come. I feel she is going to meet with me here, in this new, very large and open space. She arrives. I note that I feel uncomfortable with meeting her in such a large and open space and I also want to blame her (am some angry) for she not affording me more privacy in our meeting.

I wake to use the restroom and consider these two dreams, then return to sleep.

Later, I come to a room where my analyst and four other women are present. The room is white - white walls, white colored furniture. There are chairs and a bed in the room. The bed is covered with a white bedspread. Two of the women, I feel, are of a younger age, in their mid-twenties, perhaps. The other is a middle aged woman, about my own age. She is of a large body stature. She is inquiring into the three of us, the two younger women and myself. She is analytical, trying to get a picture/understanding of us. I think/feel she is too analytical, too left-brained. I feel she does not have enough feeling nature, not enough heart/compassion. The room is otherwise comfortable feeling. My analyst has already provided an introduction of the two younger women. I come in and lounge on the bed. This woman wants to know about me. I begin to introduce myself, saying, “I never know where to start,” as I imagine what I may say. I then ask my analyst to provide the information about me. She goes on to tell how she came into contact with me. She mentions something about rage work and ______________ (the name of another Jungian therapist). The other woman remarks about having heard that that program (rage work) was not a good one, something about it being way out of control. My analyst tells her that there has been much change in the program/process and that it is now very well tailored, organized, managed.

Two nights later (another dream): I am with my brother Mark. He is packing to move from living in the home with my parents. He will be coming to live with me… and Kallen (my sister). I am helping him pack. He has so many things, loose odds and ends. All his belongings are sitting on one side of his room in a very large and disorganized “heap of stuff.” I am helping him clean out a cabinet. The cabinet reminds me of those we have in the rehab gym at work. All the large items are now out of it, but there is much little debris and cobwebs with dust and other tiny debris stuck to the cobwebs. We arrive at the residence of the property manager of the new home. Mark comes in with me. Loosely, I recognize the property manager as being Sara’s Mom, Cheryl ( the mother of my son Gregory’s partner/wife out of law), but she appears more ragged, harsh in the face, unwelcoming. She was not expecting us, is some surprised by our appearance just now. I announce that we will only be renting the space/house for a short time (like one month) as I have already made arrangements to move into the little “RED” house next door to the one of hers that we will be staying in. Next, I am seeing myself as if in Gregory’s home, standing at the washing machine, readying to wash laundry.

I feel the first shows the truth that I am still generally uncomfortable around other woman, still not comfortable with my own feminine self, that I am trying to work this out. Blood in my panties? I feel it relates to this wound, which stemmed from the sexual abuse in my early life. The second scene is showing how recent encounters in my life have brought this deeper issue out into the open...and how my anger has been misdirected/projected.

I feel that what I am currently experiencing in my journey came, in part, as a result of listening to Marion Woodman's seminar on Healing the Inner Masculine, specifically where she told a tale of how when she was once uncomfortable speaking before a large group/audience and shared this with another, the other told her, "I am sorry you have a negative mother complex with the audience..." It caused me to pause, consider, my own self ... and then these dreams, helping me to see how much I have projected Negative Mother onto the world, but especially other women, most of a mother's age to me, and/or those in authority positions. The third scene is pretty clear, I feel, and I alluded to it in my last post in the Inner Masculine Wound thread, where I said that some energy/emotions were ready for release and that I would handle them with great love.

I feel that the large woman who is my own age is a part of me that doesn't know her own self, she is trying to learn through the help of analysis, and she is also angry (negative masculine)...a sort of negative inner mother within me. When I come in and lay on the bed, I feel inwardly as the same younger version of myself who was trying to wipe the blood out of my underwear, and I am helpless to tell this woman that I am full of rage. The room is very white, so reflecting that something is coming clean, being made very clear. No doubt about what it is... Rage. This other woman thinks that rage is bad = the part of me that learned to feel it was wrong to be mad/angry at mother.

I have never allowed myself to be angry at my mother for her complicity in the sexual abuse in my childhood. She was aware, knew it was happening. She not only turned a blind eye to it, but tyrannically blamed it on us. This was an incredibly deep wound to the child I was, who called out for help and found none would come...among many other feelings effects that were part and parcel of my childhood. For my father, I have moved through great storms and "furies" ... the first of which was as a teenager when I stormed my home in rage, demanding that he not touch me any longer. He had marched stealthily toward me with a fist raised, to quiet me. So full of fury and determination I was, that as he reached near enough to strike me, I stepped forward into him, telling him (hollering) in no uncertain terms to STOP and promised him that I would kill him if he came near me again. Like looking into the eyes of Medusa, he nearly turned to stone before me. His whole body went limp, stopping there before me, as his eyes glazed over, speechless. I left the home and wept. I meant what I promised him and lived like that (protecting myself, with a knife under my pillow) for the next few years until I left my childhood home.

BUT, "Where was Mother?!" And "Why did she not protect me?!" This is the anger/rage that I have never allowed myself to feel/to express (in healty ways, without harming others).

Oh, I believe the archetype of mother carries much more power than father.

The final dream scene shows my brother Mark and Kallen. Mark does in fact reside in my parents home, still revolving in childhood dynamics with my parents, still extremely angry. Mark is seven years senior to me and was also abusive to me, sexually and physically. He used to beat, kick me in the gut as I lay on the floor, and when I would cry out, he would tell (holler) at me, "Don't cry!" And kick more. His beating of myself and another sibling, one year older than me, went on for some time. As the oldest, he had been charged with caring for/watching over us during the after school hours until my parents arrived home from work. These beating were another thing my mother did nothing to stop when I asked for her help. I believe that the effect of my brother Mark's treatment of me is directly tied in to my experience of Negative Mother. This final dream shows that when I am in my Mark, I project Negative Mother onto others, as did this dream show in my view of Cheryl as being unwelcoming. Yet, something else is here, for if I take Mark as an inner masculine image, who I am helping to finally leave my parents home, it seems to indicate that by spending time with my own anger (Red house) regarding mother, I may finally free myself from her grips. Mark has always = anger to me. I did not like him for this, denied my own anger. When Mark raged my childhood home when young, his rage was directed at my mother. Kallen, in my dreams, has always stood for the part of me that was abused. Readying to wash laundry at my son's home? I feel it shows how I wish for my son to not be affected any longer by all of my own shadow (negative mother, etc.) and that the best way I may help with this is by continuing to work to heal it within me.

While it is important for me to say to my inner men that, "I am taking control," I do also need to honor the feelings of the child I was. I need to honor her pain and anger ... and put it where it belongs, in its proper place ... with the mother of my childhood and not the world, or others. While I surely have been angry with my brother Mark, he too was subjected to the same familial environment I was, he too suffers the effects of that. I feel this dream is showing that I need to honor that masculine aspect of myself, and allow the rage in healthy ways.

On a day just after these dreams, I could feel the fury of rage moving through me as if in a steady and cool stream. I need to allow it without judging it and being sure to not place it onto other, but where it originated.

That wild boar from my earlier dream nearly two years ago was me...she is the beast that was abused. If you think about the way I lived in my home, a knife under my pillow, for goodness' sake, I lived like that animal...caged and cornered, scraping for my life. Bless the child I was! For all she had to endure! Bless her!

We earlier talked about that boar being negative masculine... Was it? Or was it the effects of negative masculine? Deep stuff.


Kristi

Age & Gender & Location {Required}: 43, Kansas

Have You Posted Before? Date of Last Post {Use Search and Your Post Name to Help Find Last Post} Female

How Did You Find the Dream Forum? Yes

Re: Negative Mother

Hi Kristi , , ,

what to say, , , ,

There is a synchronicity in my logging in today after some time.

I wrote recently to a friend about the positive feminine , , , that my wife and her friends networking to help me was my first conscious experience of the positive feminine ie: through their relationships , , , networking.

And here is you post on the Negative Feminine , , ,
a few points

Anger and rage are not limited to the masculine aspect. We need only look at the Hindu goddess Kali.
We need anger to protect us , , , as you demonstrated.
The issue is the suppressed (denied) anger - to suppress one emotion we must suppress all our emotional system.

I urge you to read Alexander Lowen , , ,

Journey on brave one,

namaste
Justin

Age & Gender & Location {Required}: 50 Hong Kong

Have You Posted Before? Date of Last Post {Use Search and Your Post Name to Help Find Last Post} Male

Re: Negative Mother

Hi Justin,

Thank you.

I just did a brief perusal of Alexander Lowen's works (books). Oh, what a book list already I have! But, yes, I do feel reading him will be most beneficial for me!

Kali...

I had recentely discussed with my analyst, and another woman, my profound connection to feminine energy. I was reminded/encouraged to never misuse it. That led me to examining and seeing how aspects of this have appeared in shadow form in my life ... and then to that early fateful day when I stormed my home as a child to protect myself ... and I was transported into a feeling space wherein I felt the goddess Kali herself was holding me in intense love.

I am going to get some of Lowen's titles.

Thanks again.

Namaste,
Kristi

Age & Gender & Location {Required}: 43, Kansas

Have You Posted Before? Date of Last Post {Use Search and Your Post Name to Help Find Last Post} Female

How Did You Find the Dream Forum? Yes

Re: Negative Mother

Yet, something else is here, for if I take Mark as an inner masculine image, who I am helping to finally leave my parents home, it seems to indicate that by spending time with my own anger (Red house) regarding mother, I may finally free myself from her grips. Mark has always = anger to me. I did not like him for this, denied my own anger.

I had this wrong. What the dream is showing me doing is taking out of me/cleaning out the anger my brother Mark beat into me as a child. His anger is not mine. I do need to spend time in the RED house (and am), but my anger is at the abuse and my mother.

Kristi

Age & Gender & Location {Required}: 43, Kansas

Have You Posted Before? Date of Last Post {Use Search and Your Post Name to Help Find Last Post} Female

How Did You Find the Dream Forum? Yes


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