That's it. In some cases it causes slight cognitive problems but nothing behavioral.

I lost my origional kidneys at 19. So my biggest problem is my bones and joints. I had rickets when I was little and that deformed my knees, legs and feet. Did the article mention the medication? It causes more damage then the disease. One is the destruction of collegen hence, joint problems. I also lost a disc in my lower back because of it. Since then I've been unable to work.


My Mother...how silly that my( poor) relationship with her being part of the problem never occured to me. Maybe it's becase I have never seen my family as important that I overlooked them.

I just realized that these are the 'personal' issues I wanted to talk to you through E-mail; I had no support. I chose to allienate myself from the other kids, but not my family ro the rest of those world.


At the 'confrences'-which if my Mother did attend, I don't remember her being there- after the kids were done for the day they'd stick together and play or see thier families. I saw it as an escape from family. I'd wander away off and find somewhere quiet whereI could draw.

I didn't see much of my Mother the first year of my life. She was in the Navy and I was moving between hospitals in WA DC and California.

She had the additude that it wasn't a big deal. She said it only meant I would "have to work harder than everyone else." But that was because she just chose not to help me. My sister though, she handed everything to. She was perfectly healty and naturally gifted at just about everything.

That entire side of the family hated me. My Mother would sometimes join my sister and cousins in making fun of me. Then I when I screamed at them to stop she'd laugh more and call me crazy.

This was partially because my Mother and Father's side of the family vehemently HATED each other. My Granparents ( on my Fathers side) reacted to my condition in the extreme oposite of my Mother. Anything and everything about me, even my personality, was some side-effect.

I can sum up my relationship with her in one short dream I had a long time ago. It needs no interpretation.

I'd left home to join th military after seeing many battles and climbing the ranks I retire to eshtablished a Monestary with it's own teaching and fighting styles. With this I had brought peace to a very large war-torn area. I was an internatonal icon. When I came home to tell my grandmother of what I'd accomplished she looked unimpressed and said " That's nice. But you didn't take your medicine did you?"

My Father was a woman-hating drunk who dealt with problems by screaming and throwing things at them. He frequently used my illness to hit on women, get out of traffic tickets and for pity.

"Even if things changed in your life the building blocks are still the same. it would be like having cheap concrete as the foundations with expensive bricks built on top of that. The 'cheap' foundations still remain and can bring down the rest of the 'house' no matter how 'materials' were used to build the rest of the life."

I thought this was a great way of explaining it. I hope you don't mind but I shared it with Daniel. (Boyfriend) He thinks it is brilliant and very accurate.

I had much higher expectations. But before I was able to try on my own my grandmother stuck me in a bunch of Governments programs saying I was a 'very special case' Once you get caught up in that mess, there is no way out, and, like I said, I am at home a lot.

The warrior/character is "Kanda Yuu" from a Japanese Manga called D. Gray Man. He has one of my favorite lines.
" ...She said that our lives are like the Lotus.
They rise out of the mud and make the world beautiful.
But inevitably they wilt and sink back into the mud."

I used to be that Warrior. In the past it did not matter how dark and filthy the mud, I'd pull myself out and without a trace of dirt. That is no longer the case. It seems like as soon as I see the sun something dumps more mud on top of me. I attribute this constantly haveing to deal with/report everything I do to the government which can change eerything at will. Nothing is really 'stable'

I should have been more specific. By 'brittish punk setting' I meant the distopian city with cameras on every corner and everythng being controlled by an evil rich white man using some giant corperation as a front.

That's mostly accurate but I think I have a different interpreation which would explain feeling betreyed by men and my 'weaker masculine' traits.
Before my bones and jonts got to where tey are now, I knew what it was I wanted. I wanted to fight. I was very full of energy and I NEEDED an outlet

I wanted to try martial arts, Kendo, Aikido, maybe be specially trained to use a weapon. Anything to satiate my 'action lust'. But Ididn't have the money for classes and I was a nerd. So I knew I would already not fit in- a sensitive subject since I was made fun of by just about everyone in school.

Then I found a group that I thought would change everything.

A 'LARPing' group. Live action Role Playing. Other nerds who did a lot of physical action. "Surely they'll get me. And this will be the perfect outlet."

It was not. Joining them was one of the worst decisions of my life. I never got over the anger they made me feel. Every time I see anyone LARPing ( or even a martial arts school) I get so angry and I know that they are the reason that I keep myself from attempting any similar activity to this day.

I would show up and fight before my knee was fully healed after surgery, after Dialysis, after my botched back surgery (where I contaced and survived multiple cases of Sepsis). I'd fight so hard I'd nearly pass out..and then get back up. I didn't tell anyone because in my experience the only response is 'quit whining'.

And they laughed at me. They told me I was weak and useless. THEY had a bruise and were fighting better than I. So what was my prolem? I have never forgiven them for it. This isn't the first time I was mad fun of for my physical incapacitates but to me this was the most unforgivable.

Oh.. They were about 98% men.This group was supposed to make everything so much better, but instead it made it worse.I don't think I knew true anger until that point. That could be seen as a betrayal.

I have anger issues because of this ( and similar things) it really gets in my way and I have no clue how I'm suppose to resolve it when it continues to happen. All I can do is try to avoid it ( going to the inner world?) but that solves nothing.

I don't really think my life is a 'tangled mess' however my...feelings toward the outer world are. I do love the world but am so distrustful of the people in it. I want to be a little more social but it just doesn't work. I have no problem making friends on a superficial level, but if I don't relate to them the friendship just can't go very deep.

I apologize if a lot this just sounds like 'bitching' or is TMI but I don't think it should be ignored if I really want to find my 'inner self'.

As for my 'bliss' I just got off the phone with my Grandmother who was lecturing about getting out of the house.
She's right, I need to. I've become some sort of a 50's house wife. Daniel hangs out with his friends. (I am invited. I used to go but one of the woman puts me in a bad mood every time I see her so I chose not to go) and I clean up.
Thing is, he works ALL THE TIME. (It aggravates me.) And I.. I don't know. I have hard time finding things I like to do outside. It seems like all there is to do is shop or eat.

You know what I'd really like? I'd like to have a garden. Where I live right now is too small. Maybe next year we can find a place with a bigger balcony.

I don't think my illness has much to do with it. Drawing was used to deal with it after all. Up until high school I was the best artist I knew. Then I realized that others were much better. I tried desperately to catch up, but I never did. Art became more of a negative than a positive for me and it has remained that way ever since.

Daniel and I wrote -what I think- is an amazing story. It started out as one of those table top-story RPGs but we really go it into it. I'd like to turn it into a graphic novel. I've been kind of trying to do that but to be honest I don't know the first thing about it and I get frustrated easily if it takes too long to figure out. I need some sort of motivation to work on that, I think.

Age & Gender & Location {Required}: Wa, USA

Have You Posted Before? Date of Last Post {Use Search and Your Post Name to Help Find Last Post} Female

How Did You Find the Dream Forum? Yes

Hera,
We're making real progress. I'll work on your current dream and give a detailed response in the morning.

Jerry

Myths-Dreams-Symbols Dream Forum
Sponsored & Supported by:

Gifford Fence Co/Middle Tennessee

Gifford Fence Orlando/Melbourne Fence Pro

Daniel Gifford's 2Stain Fence Staining

---

Web Design



MyDrSy.com - The Power of Dreams
Melbourne Dreams & Metaphysics - Dream Interpretation Space Coast, Florida

Space Coast/Treasure Coast Dreams & Dream Interpretation Meet Up Group

---

---