Firstly, thank you for going through the effort of reading such a long entry and then evaluating my experiences. I chose to post this dream here as opposed to other forums that I had looked at because it looked like there would be a much higher chance of intelligent discussion occurring here. I do appreciate the work you have done and I wanted to make sure that was expressed.

Without going into too much detail I will describe my childhood as follows: my childhood and much of my young adult life was very unpleasant. As a child I experienced severe psychological abuse and psychological trauma at the hands of my peers, emotional neglect (at best) from almost all adults in my life, and was raised in a family which, while stable, was mired in drama and where everybody seemed to have their own demons to battle. I was rarely able to be my own person and pursue my own goals, be they related to gender or otherwise. Making this worse was the fact that I never felt comfortable with who I was and felt like I was acting in a film in the wrong role and without a script for almost two decades, though that is largely attributable to my assigned male identity not matching my internal and consistent female one. I am pretty confident that these facts were reflected in my dreams which for many years were equal parts bleak and horrific. I suffered from nightmares, some reoccurring, for a long time. I also was plagued by hypnagogic hallucinations before falling asleep where I was led to believe that I was to be imminently harmed physically.

The overcast sky and ruined buildings and landscape were common motifs in my dreaming life during my preteen years and my early to mid teens. One dream that comes to mind that so perfectly fits this archetype is one where I dreamt I was in a neighborhood that I resided in at the time. The buildings were but charred wreckage set amidst a menacing hellscape and the sky was a roiling storm of blood red, smoky clouds. Though it was night the land was bathed in a dim red light as if it were coming from a full moon of pure crimson. Ghouls in the form of cadaverous dead stalked the neighborhood and sought to kill me, and I myself was a mangled and beaten man with horrific burns and severe physical debilitation almost to the point of sheer immobilization. Most dreams from that time that I can remember were like this, though various particulars would be different. I was never really certain if waking life was an escape from dreaming life or if dreaming life was an escape from waking life, though I was always aware of the distinction between the two.

On the subject of repressed emotions I suffered from severe depression for many years and was never given the help I needed as a child, or at least not help that was adequate. My expressing my profound misery and pain caused problems in my life and never seemed to prompt any constructive changes so I just stopped talking about how I felt and projected a persona of calm, confidence and contentment even if internally I was mired in strife and self-hatred. My being transgender had as much of an effect upon my psyche as I reviled that part of myself and it was handled similarly. I kept a lid on that for as long as possible until I was going absolutely bonkers from having kept it hidden from everybody for so long. Thankfully, both of those areas of my life have received great attention and care within the last five years and I am truly a different person now that I ever had been before. I have a positive outlook, a passion for life, and a level of self confidence that I never imagined to be possible. It gets even better every day that I am on the journey that I am. I truly feel that I am flourishing now and am positively uplifted by transitioning from male to female.

I have attempted to channel my dreams, both past and current, into creative endeavors. My dreams are a source of profound inspiration for my writing and I have used them at times to compose music. I feel pretty empowered by being able to make horrible images that haunted me for years into something that I can use for a constructive and positive purpose.

I very rarely have nightmares anymore and some places I visit in dreams with relative consistency bring me great enjoyment. I truly often see wondrous and beautiful things now in my dreams on a regular basis as opposed to the bleak and dreary (though, at times, these images have a beauty of their own).

Thanks once again for your efforts in this. I do hope I have an opportunity later to relate to you a dream that may seem more uplifting. I really did not consider the dream I wrote in my opening post to be a negative one and I actually enjoyed it thoroughly, but it pales in comparison to others I have had as of late. These entries can often span over 4,000 words, but I think I would spare you the obsessive amounts of recalled detail in instances such as that.

Age & Gender & Location {Required}: 27, NH - USA

Have You Posted Before? Date of Last Post {Use Search and Your Post Name to Help Find Last Post} Female

How Did You Find the Dream Forum? Yes

Anonymous,
I appreciate the detailed response. Every dream is a learning experience not only for the dreamer but also for those of us who work with dreams. There is nothing more definitive than first hand experience.

I dare say much of the horrific dreams you had as a child were because of not being able to who you really are gender wise. We all suffer from not being able to express our true selves {and knowing who that is} but to have gender issues adds to the emotional suffering. Both physical abuse and mental abuse become a part of the nightly dramas in our dreams. And there is a reason for that.

Dreams are therapeutic, they attempt to help us realize what the emotional issues are that hold energies so strong they can unconsciously control the conscious life. Much like the immune system is to the body, dreams are nature's device to heal the psyche {ology}. When we take time to 'translate' the coded message in our dreams {symbol and metaphor} we are performing 'soul' work {soul in Greek means psyche}. When we awaken to our true being, the self that resides within and not the ego perception we have of ourselves, we are able to see what is really beneath the layers of ego consciousness. And it always begins in childhood. Working through the emotional issues is how you change yourself and your dreams. Using dreams are therapy is the best way to access the unconscious. Using dreams as a creative tool is fulfilling nature's intent to be truly whole. Jung discovered that wholeness is centered in a creative self as well as a spiritual Self. Your ability to endure and prosper {as I indicated in my analysis} is likely due to your creative endeavors. It allows you {all of us if we take the time to utilize our creativity} to express what is within in a way that is not available in any other way. To let it out is to expose what unconsciously drives us. To realize what that is allows us to overcome its power to control our conscious lives.

You are a good candidate for Jungian psyche. From your response I gather you have already read some of his works. You may want to delve deeper into his philosophy and concepts, especially his Individuation Process. This process can help better understand the creative aspects and the importance it has to self discovery. I was 42 when I first encountered Joseph Campbell and began my path to wholeness. It is never too late to turn the tide and with what you have learned already I dare say there is great potential for you in the next 50 years. You are the heroine in your own life and as you travel the path to wholeness using your talents you are fulfilling one of the main ingredients of the hero journey. Sharing what you have learned with others so they too can find wholeness.

If you have other dreams that you feel important, negative or otherwise, feel free to post them. Your life, your dreams have a lot to tell and your unique experiences can be valuable lessons for us all.

A Note about your dream and my analysis
Most often I read the whole dream before giving an interpretation. But on many longer dreams I take the dream and translate the images to determine if there is a visible pattern. Often long dreams are repetitive, stating the same thing in different ways. Your dream was one that unfolded and had a message that kept my interest peeking. That is why I did not see your notes about being transgender until the end of your post. As it turned out it allowed me to see beyond those emotional issues.
Jerry

Age & Gender & Location {Required}: 64 Cocoa, Fl

Have You Posted Before? Date of Last Post {Use Search and Your Post Name to Help Find Last Post} Male

How Did You Find the Dream Forum? Yes