Okay dokey, it appears to me that things have slowed down on this board to darn near a crawl. I think perhaps another close encounter is in order. Now, I must admit that I am stretched for ideas and I am reaching waaaaaaaaay back in the ole conscious here, but I think I have another one up my sleeve. So here we go.

Once upon a time in the land of Memphis, there lived a little red haired girl. Now this little red haired girl was a serious Lee fan from the days of the original re-running of The Big Valley. So taken was she, that she was known for speaking in Heath quotes and mounting her bicycle in a very Heath like fashion. Later, when the Lee became Steve, she added the six-mil sound effects to make it a bionic cowboy mount.

Being that the Lee, as Heath of course, was known for his poker playing talents, the little red haired girl would hone her card playing skills on her simple minded and slow-handed siblings. After watching the Big Valley episode, Turn of a Card, in which Heath was hounded by a poker playing con man who owned a Tahitian servant, whose name the Lee seemed incapable of pronouncing correctly and was freed by Heath when he failed to lose to the card sharp thereby rescuing the girl, the little red haired girl imagined herself in the place of the Tahitian girl whose name the Lee could not pronounce, and I cannot remember. Next sentence.

The little red haired girl decided that since the Lee or Heath, or even Steve for that matter would likely never save her, especially given that there was nothing for her to be saved from, she would best spend her time perfecting her card sharping (is that a word?) rather than dreaming about a cowboy in bionic armor.

Anyhoo, she decided she would challenge her four siblings to a rousing game of five-way solitaire. Yes, that’s right, five-handed solitaire, a game of sharp eyes, quick wits and rapid-fire reflexes! And it was played in a manner that only a group of pre-teens would! It went something like this. The five little red haired siblings would sit in a circle in the living room floor, the only one large enough in their little house in the Memphis urbs to hold them all. With a deck of cards each, they would lay them out in the typical solitaire fashion. Aces were played forward and anyone could play on anyone else’s aces. The first one to play all their cards won. There was many a crinkled card and jammed finger that day, I can tell you!

So on this particular day, the little red haired girl was seriously kicking ass! The five geek siblings were playing one of the roughest games ever. The eldest red haired brother and the little red haired girl were running neck and neck. She was determined to go out before him. The middle siblings, known as the brunette twins, though they were boy and girl and ten months apart in age, were running third and fourth and the little red haired sister was bringing up the rear…as usual.

The little red haired girl could smell the victory. To beat the older brunette twins was a thrill, but to add the red haired brother was a sure sign that she had achieved a Heath like status in the realm of card playing. They were both down to their last few cards. The brunettes were grumbling, as they could see the handwriting on the wall, or the cards on the floor as it were. The little red haired sister was oblivious.

Just ten more cards! A burst of activity as she and the red haired brother slapped several more cards in place. The brunette twins slapped out a couple of their own. Card flipping and then another burst of activity from all. There were shouts and grunts all around. The red haired brother jammed his finger into the brunette sister’s hand.

“Son of a…!” He growled, shaking his hand. “You’re not gonna win so why don’t you get out of the way!”

“Shut up!” she countered intelligently. She examined her fingers. “You cracked one of my nails!”

“Yeah, well, you stabbed my finger with it!”

While the fight continued, the little red haired girl saw her chance. She and the older red haired brother each had just two cards left. She quietly slipped a queen onto a pile of hearts. He caught the move, and as if in slow motion, snatched his King of hearts and thrust it onto the pile as the little red haired girl grabbed her King of clubs. Victory was at hand and the red haired brother could smell defeat.

“Noooooo!” He shouted.

Her hand moved toward the pile of clubs as he reached for his King of spades. Her face took on a maniacal twist. It was hers, all hers! Then suddenly, she smashed the card onto the pile only to encounter the little red haired sister’s hand! What the…? To her horror, the little red haired sister, had continued to plunk down cards, often in the wrong place, as the sibling fight and card battle raged around her. The little red haired girl looked up in time to see her red haired brother smash his last card onto the appropriate pile.

Continued

“Yeah! Yeah! Yeah!” He shouted. He thrust a victory fist into the air. “I am still the king!”

The little red haired sister sat holding her bruised hand, a look of pain written across her freckled face. All action died as the other siblings looked up to see her gasping for air as she prepared to let loose with her distress cry to the red haired mother. Like a siren that starts out low and builds with each passing second to a feverish pitch, the red haired sister began to wail.

Now that her hand has retracted from the card that caused her pain, the brunette brother looked more closely.

“She played the wrong card!” he laughed.

“Hey!” the little red haired girl said. “That means I win!”

“No it doesn’t.” the red haired brother said smugly. “I still got my last card out on the right stack before you. Look, you still haven’t played your card.”

Sure enough, her last card lay bent and twisted on the floor next to the pile of clubs that had been capped with a two of diamonds. She sat in disbelief as the older geek siblings laughed hysterically at her misfortune. The older red haired brother taunted her unmercifully. She glared up at him, determined that she would get him. But she couldn’t hit him. At fourteen and six feet tall, he was too much for her, even if he was a beanpole. Instead, she lashed out at the wailing little red haired sister for getting in her way of victory. She smacked her little sister in the head then sulked in the floor.

The red haired mother appeared on cue. “What going on in here? I can barely here my soap opera. I’ll be glad when this summer ends, maybe I can get a little peace and quiet around here! Look,” she said pointing. “You almost woke your father up when he desperately needs his rest before he goes back to work!”

All activity and noise ceased as the siblings peeked around the corner to see their father snoring in his chair, feet propped up on the ottoman.

“Now what happened?”

All older sibling fingers pointed at the little red haired girl. “First she smashed her hand then she hit her in the head!”

First defeat, then betrayal! Was there no end?

“All right missy.” The red haired mother barked. “If you can’t play nice then you can go to your room and think about what you’ve done!”

The little red haired girl jumped from her place to sound of taunting laughs of her siblings. She ran to her room and slammed the door. From his chair, the brunette father grunted and jumped.

“What happened?” he asked as his newspaper slid to the floor.

“Nothing dear,” the red haired mother replied. “Go back to sleep.”

He resumed his snoring as the little red haired girl grumbled where she lay on her bed. Sleep soon over took her as well. Her thoughts drifted to a stagecoach where she was traveling with her evil brother, the red haired card sharp. Heath sat across from them. The red haired brother had been hounding the Heath for days, determined to beat Heath in a two handed game of solitaire. Heath winked at the little red haired girl. She blushed in return and batted her eyes.

Finally, in some fictional town in southern California meant to pass as a fictional town in the central valley, the show down began. The evil red haired brother had convinced Heath that he had to play. I can’t remember why or how, but the game began. First, they were playing on a green poker table, and then suddenly, remember this is a dream, they were in the floor, frantically slapping cards into place.

The little red haired girl wrung her hands nervously. Both Heath and the red haired brother were champions, undefeated, so it was a tough battle. Cards were bent and fingers were jammed and finally it was down to two cards. Suddenly the little red haired girl was playing as well. She had almost all of her cards and was playing them slowly, absently placing the cards onto the incorrect piles.

Heath and the red haired brother each reached out to play their last card. To the little red haired girl’s horror, the brother had his last card heading for the correct pile faster than Heath. But surprise! Just as Heath’s king of spades made contact with the queen, the red haired brother’s king of hearts made contact with the back of the little red haired girl’s hand.

The little red haired girl retracted her hand and grimaced in pain. Heath raised a triumphant fist, shouting, “Yeah! Yeah! Yeah!”

“Interference!” The red haired brother called as he jumped from his seat at the table. (Don’t ask me how we got back to the table. It’s a dream remember?)

“Interference my eye!” Heath shouted. “You still don’t have your last card on the right pile!”

There it was, bent and twisted, lying next to the little red haired girl’s two of diamonds. The red haired brother’s bottom lip began to protrude and a tear glistened in his eye.

“You lose, you lose!” Heath taunted. “Ya big baby! Now go to your room and stop making fun of your sist

{whoops, I cut of the last few senteces.)

“You lose, you lose!” Heath taunted. “Ya big baby! Now go to your room and stop making fun of your sister!”

The red haired brother stomped out of the room and forcefully pushed open the swinging doors.

“And don’t you slam those doors!” Heath yelled at him

Ah, sweet Heath revenge!