About me:

I've been having difficulty getting a good night's sleep for more than 20 years. I've been doing a lot of inner work for several years, but I continue to struggle with some sort of anxiety that I can't seem to identify or overcome. My dreams, as you'll see below, are often vivid...

April 27, 2008

1st Dream:

A friend of mine from college has pulled me aside and is counseling me. I'd been regularly coming home late on Sunday nights after being out with a new girlfriend. We'd been having a good time, and I was very happy. But my friend is very concerned. "What are you doing,?" he says. "You can't just keep coming home late at night like this. It's very unhealthy. You need to get a hold of yourself. You can't let yourself get carried away like this. Everybody is very concerned about you." (As he talks, I stiffen up and lose all my enthusiasm and exhuberance. It's a typical thing I've done in the past when somebody points out something about me that isn't positive or that they are concerned about. It's difficult for me to hear, so I start hiding or withdrawing.)

I eventually head back to my apartment, and go to bed. It feels like it's late at night on a Sunday. After I turn out the lights, I hear a knock on my bedroom door. I open the door and see a roommate who lives in the room below me (he actually takes the form of a former roommate of mine when I was in my early 20s). "Steve, can I come in,?" he asks, "I need to talk to you about something." "Okay, sure," I say. He (Peter) continues: "I'm not sure if you realize it or not, but at night I can hear you when you are sleeping." As soon as he says this, I think,"Oh my god. I know I make a lot of noise at night. This is not good. I'm disturbing people now." I assume I'd been talking in my sleep or screaming out loud at times. "Yeah, I know," I say sheepishly. "I don't sleep well at all. It's a very restless sleep." Peter agrees: "Yeah, I can hear most of what you are saying at night and what goes on. That's why I'm here right now. I wanted to talk to you about it."

Peter takes out a stand-up writing easel. At the top of the easel, he writes out the words, "Crossing a River." He tells me that every dream of mine starts out in general terms and then gets more specific. He writes the following on the easel:

- "You are Crossing a river"
- You have Interactions with people (usually very agonizing, maddening, excruciating interactions)
- The interactions are with specific people
- There's a specific situation

I'm very interested in what he's saying, and I'm in agreement with what he's telling me. "Yeah," I say. "It looks like you are describing an outline. Things get more specific and narrow." As he talks, I'm feeling embarrassed that he's aware of my intimate dreams.

At some point, he begins to act out a scenario. We are both under water about 25 or 30 feet deep in a river or a lake. "Let me show you what happens," says Peter. He holds his arms cross-armed in at his body, straightens his legs, and remains still as he looks up. It's similar to a scuba diving position, called a "safety stop," when you pause for several minutes before coming up to the surface at the end of a dive. "This is you," Peter says. "You are observing people. You want to see people as they are in the inside. But the people that you interact with all want to see things as they are on the outside. This is very frustrating for you. You want to show people or meet them based on what is going on with them on the inside. But they don't want to deal with that. You are very frustrated."

Peter continues.. "I've got to tell you one other thing. Whatever it is that you are dealing with here, I admire the way you are handling things. You have a very difficult job -- it's a very difficult situation you are going through. But you are handling it well."

I wake up feeling relieved that there's at least somebody -- a part of me -- who can offer some sort of insight as to why I have problems sleeping. I'm also embarrassed that somebody is hearing and experiencing my dreams.

My (partial) interpretation of the first dream:

I'm paying too much attention to what people around me (on the outside) think, instead of trusting my own judgment. I can't continue to behave in accordance with what others want or what I perceive others want me to do. I need to step up and take responsibility for myself, and align my decisions and behavior with what I think I should do. I need to find the courage to follow my own path. I need to establish my own plans and work through them based on my own judgement and priorties. My world will not fall apart if I do this. Hopefully, this will reduce my stress level because I realize that I am ultimately in charge of my life and destiny. It is not dependent on the actions of others.

Second dream (later that same night):

I'm driving a car, and there are a lot of people with me. I'm having difficulty seeing the road. I realize I'm driving from the back seat and I'm very concerned. I seem to be driving okay for a while, but when I really start thinking about it, it becomes more difficult for me to see and drive. In fact, the more I think about it, the more people appear in the car, and the less I can see. Eventually, the road changes, and narrows, or goes over a bridge. I continue to try to carefully steer the car, but I can't see the road. Everybody is blocking my vision. I'm desperately trying to stay inside the lanes and not crash into other cars. As I merge onto the freeway, I almost run into another car. It feels incredibly dangerous.

I finally pull over to the side of the road. I go into a nearby building where I can request a different car that has a steering wheel in the front seat (apparently, somebody screwed up and gave me a defective car). It feels like I'm in the Human Resources department at the company I currently work at. But it's apparent that something has changed -- like my identity. I'm not exactly sure who I am and what I do, or how I got to this company, or what city I work in. Although it feels like I'm in the city where I currently work, it still doesn't feel as if I actually work there. In fact, I'm not even sure if I'm supposed to have a car.

I go into the Benefits department, and ask for a new car. It takes the Benefits Rep a while to get my records together. It's a little odd that I'm getting a car from the Benefits dept, since it feels as if I'm traveling, and that I should instead get one from the Travel department. The rep eventually gives me a new set of keys, and I have to remind her to give me a check to cover the cost of the car. As I walk away, I notice that I have several sets of keys in my pocket, and I'm trying to figure out which one I'm supposed to use.

I eventually wander into a waiting room. I've got the keys, but now I need to find the car rental agency to get a different car, but I don't know where it is. I start looking around for a phone book. I know I need to find a rent-a-car agency like Hertz or Budget. Eventually, it dawns on me that I just need to look at the key chain, since it would likely have a phone number or an address on it. When I look, the key does indeed have the contact info on it. But I'm still stuck in the HR building at my work.

I sit on a couch in the waiting room and try to eat lunch, but I have problems: I keep dropping my sandwich and it gets mixed up in all the other stuff I have with me. My papers are falling out, as well. I notice that there's a movie playing on a nearby TV that most everybody in the room is watching. In the movie, I see a truck with my company's logo on it. The movie is about some trouble-makers at work. A well-known comedian stars in the movie, and hijacks a big boat and runs it into people. I tell the people in the waiting area about the connection to our company in the movie. They seem surprised.

Near the end of the dream, I'm finally ready to leave and get the car. I continue to wander around the building; I'm still not sure where to go to pick up the car. I get in a line, but it's intended for executives with company lease car benefits. I realize I'm not an executive, so I'm in the wrong line. I continue to wander around the building and eventually wake up.

The major feeling of the second dream was a lack of identity or a change in identity. I'm also lost, even though I'm in my hometown. I'm not exactly sure of who I am, and people aren't exactly sure who I am either. It feels like I'm travelling, and I'm a visitor. I'm trying to figure out where I tell people I'm from. Nobody seems to recognize me even though I'm originally from the area. I feel lost. I'm supposed to know where to get the rental car, but I don't. There's a lot of confusion. I'm unable to get anywhere or get what I want.

My Interpretation (second dream): I'm allowing all these disparent parts of myself drive me through life. I'm trying to find a different car to drive, but I'm having problems. I'm not exactly sure who I am or what I should do.

Overall: There definitely appears to be a similar theme between both dreams. Apparently, there are all these different facets of myself that are getting in the way of my ability to live my life on my own terms.

Any insights into my two dreams would be greatly appreciated!! Thanks!!

Age & Gender & Location {Required}: 46

Have You Posted Before? Date of Last Post {Use Search and Your Post Name to Help Find Last Post} Male

How Did You Find the Dream Forum? No

Steve,
I'll give my impressions of the first dream and a short comment on the second since both seem to be addressing the same subject.

If you look at the friend as an inner resource, the friend is you, perhaps the dream begins to take on clarity. What are the unhealthy issues in your life, something that has been ongoing for 20 years {since the dreams began}? Look at emotional issues first.

The reference to your early 20s. There seems to be theme developing that began 20 years ago. The roommate, again an inner resource? Unconsciously there may be something that is disturbing you. Your dreams attempt to inform.

Statements from the dream that seem important {with comments in blue}:

There's a specific situation
is there a situation from your 20s that applies?

"You are observing people. You want to see people as they are in the inside."
this is the inner you

Peter continues.. "I've got to tell you one other thing. Whatever it is that you are dealing with here, I admire the way you are handling things. You have a very difficult job -- it's a very difficult situation you are going through. But you are handling it well."
is this how you are handling inner emotional conflicts?

I wake up feeling relieved that there's at least somebody -- a part of me
with an emphasis on 'a part of me'

The experience in your 20s may not be an actual 'one' experience that still haunts you but the beginning or causation of what is still bothering you. Look to the first time you had these dreams and compare them to what has been stated above.

Your interpretation to the first dream seems logical. But what is the causation? That may be found when you were in your 20s.

---

Driving from the backseat. I see that as something within you, other than your true self, as the controlling agent in your life.

the Human Resources department

That is inner resource stuff, having to deal with inner conflicts. What are the inner conflicts in your life that go back to your 20s. I believe you have a grasp of the conflicts so perhaps it is important to understand the causations.

I know there will be questions. Your follow-up response may help in determining those answers.

Gerard

Age & Gender & Location {Required}: 58 Murfreesboro, Tn

Have You Posted Before? Date of Last Post {Use Search and Your Post Name to Help Find Last Post} Male

How Did You Find the Dream Forum? Yes

Hi Gerard,

Thanks for your excellent comments – very helpful! Sorry for the delay -- I wanted to think through some things before I responded…

Gerard asked:
What are the unhealthy issues in your life, something that has been ongoing for 20 years {since the dreams began}? Look at emotional issues first.

Steve responds:
Focusing on the emotions first is a good suggestion. There are a lot of unresolved emotional issues still floating around inside me. I think many of them are related to self identity. Parts of me seem to be “stuck” back in time 25 years ago. It feels like these parts aren’t aligned with who I am today. Some of the emotions – anger, confusion, anxiety, frustration – are reactions to a series of events that occurred in college. It seems that they are in conflict with my reality and circumstances today -- and maybe even with the way things were back in college. One thing I’m recognizing is that these emotions were based on how I thought people (on the outside) perceived me. I struggled a lot with self-identity issues back in college. I guess those issues are still with me today.

Gerard asked:
Statements from the dream that seem important:
“There's a specific situation”
Is there a situation from your 20s that applies?

Steve responds:
Actually, there was a specific situation related to my friend in college who talked to me at the beginning of my first dream. I was embarrassed and frustrated by a particular event because I felt I had been misunderstood by my friends and others. If I recall correctly, I began withdrawing from many of my college friends after the event. My frustration had something do with my self-identity. Looking back, I was extremely quiet and withdrawn, and I think I was having problems establishing my persona. My sleep problems didn’t immediately begin in full force around that time, but I did start having some occasional bouts with insomnia that eventually became permanent.

Gerard commented on the following part of my dream:
“Peter continues.. "I've got to tell you one other thing. Whatever it is that you are dealing with here, I admire the way you are handling things. You have a very difficult job -- it's a very difficult situation you are going through. But you are handling it well."

Gerard asked: Is this how you are handling inner emotional conflicts?

Steve responds:
I’m not exactly sure “that I’m handling it well.” Maybe I am, since I tend to minimize, or have problems seeing, my progress resolving both outside and internal issues. I think I’ve made some progress in resolving some of the emotional conflicts from my childhood. But evidently there are still plenty of conflicts remaining from my college years that perhaps I haven’t applied as much effort as necessary. Maybe this part of my dream is offering me some encouragement since I have been a bit discouraged lately…

Also, I think the “Crossing a River” statement refers to my ongoing efforts to get various parts of me on board with my current reality. There’s definitely a transition going on within me right now. The scuba position of “Peter” in my dream reminds me of a dive master who oversees other divers. During a “safety stop,” he rounds up and closely watches other divers. He then makes sure that everybody gets acclimated or properly pressurized before returning to the surface. In my case, perhaps, my dive master is trying to get various parts of myself to adapt to returning to my current outside reality(?)

Second Dream:

Gerard comments:
Driving from the backseat. I see that as something within you, other than your true self, as the controlling agent in your life.

“The Human Resources department”
That is inner resource stuff, having to deal with inner conflicts. What are the inner conflicts in your life that go back to your 20s.

Steve responds:
As you pointed out, the two dreams are closely tied together. My unresolved, runaway emotions are getting in the way of my ability to see the road and drive my life.

I think the tie-in to my current life is that I’ve been recently working on several projects at work with a great amount of anxiety. I seem to be overly concerned about other people’s perception of my work. I can’t seem to grasp the idea that I’m competent and that my work speaks for itself. Perhaps this is related to my college years in that I’m concerned that people will be unable to “see me and my actions” in the proper context. This has been a big hurdle for me over the years – both at work and in my personal life.

More questions from Steve…

Is it possible that these unresolved emotions are digesting a considerable amount of my energy at night? Even when I manage to get a full night of sleep, I still wake up feeling exhausted. My sleep is always fragmented. Logically, I've recognized many of these issues we're discussing, but it seems like I’m continuing to have problems actually resolving and getting past them. I’m guessing that I just need to continue to keep “working on things” despite my confusion. I've been trying to resolve my sleep problems for so long now. I'm getting desperate to find a solution...

Thanks again for your help! It really helps to write out my dreams, thoughts, and questions. I've got another dream that I can post that seems related to many of these issues we've been discussing....

Steve

Age & Gender & Location {Required}: 46

Have You Posted Before? Date of Last Post {Use Search and Your Post Name to Help Find Last Post} Male

How Did You Find the Dream Forum? No

Steve,
Thanks for the detailed response. It provides clarity to the dreams and the interpretation. Breaking your response down as you did provide insights to the possibilities in the dream as well as how they may fit in your waking life.

To answer your questions. The fragmented sleep patterns could very well be a result of the unresolved emotional issues. But we most also include current stressful activities. And it seems that to may be a partially due to 'perceptions' of your work. You may have hit the nail on the head with your statement:
"Perhaps this is related to my college years in that I’m concerned that people will be unable to “see me and my actions” in the proper context. This has been a big hurdle for me over the years – both at work and in my personal life."

This goes to the 'causation' of your 'perception' issues. Understanding what prompted these issues may help in resolving them. But we may have to go further back in your life to determine the real causation. Personality is formed primarily in our younger years with childhood being most influential. This is where you may want to focus your attention to determine the underlying and unconscious motivations to personality. That may require some councelling {a normal step that most of us could benefit from in dealing with personal issues} to get to the crux of the 'unconscious' aspects. You are consciously aware of the 'perception' problems but the unconscious motivations that may have begun in early life often are the ground to such emotional affects. There does seem to be 'confidence' issues. When did those begin?

Again, thanks for the detailed response. Your willing to share these emotional issues is helpful in so many ways. In my interpretations I often 'see' and try to address the deeper personality issues. Your 'perception' problems and your explanation goes a long way in showing how dreams do address these deeper, and unconscious motivations.

Gerard

Age & Gender & Location {Required}: 58 Murfreesboro, Tn

Have You Posted Before? Date of Last Post {Use Search and Your Post Name to Help Find Last Post} Male

How Did You Find the Dream Forum? Yes

Thanks again for the insightful response, Gerard. Glad to hear that we're providing each other some mutual help, too(!)...

Gerard said:
"We may have to go further back in your life to determine the real causation. Personality is formed primarily in our younger years with childhood being most influential. This is where you may want to focus your attention to determine the underlying and unconscious motivations to personality."

Steve responds:
Yes, you are definitely on track there. I have done a lot of exploring (including several years of counseling) in which I made an effort to examine the childhood roots of my unconscious motivations. I guess I still have even MORE work to do... it never really stops does it?

Gerard asks:
"You are consciously aware of the 'perception' problems but the unconscious motivations that may have begun in early life often are the ground to such emotional affects. There does seem to be 'confidence' issues. When did those begin?"

Steve responds:
I think this is a good point to introduce a follow-up dream I had a few days after this dream... It might go a long way towards explaning the origins of my "early life" issues. Here's the link: A Bedroom Carpet of Crabgrass

Thanks for all your help!!

Age & Gender & Location {Required}: 46

Have You Posted Before? Date of Last Post {Use Search and Your Post Name to Help Find Last Post} Male

How Did You Find the Dream Forum? Yes