Anonymous,
Just you would point to going it alone. A whiteish clearing may suggest an opportunity to 'cultivate' who you are {make positive steps in your life}. The mess would be your life and the pressures would be from those experiences. Floors are your foundations, childhood experiences/influences that shaped who you are. The countdown may point back to those beginnings {0} that 'launched' who you are. Many negative experiences {small messes} launched as a child that are carried within your unconscious. Included in these influences would be the affect on your ego personality {clothes}. Each had tremedous neagtive energies reflecting the severity of your childhood.

My take on the ages 5-12 may be a time when these earliest experiences began to manifest themselves into actions {such as thoughts of cutting yourself}. They began to subside when you got older which may coincide with moving out of the situation with your father. In general as we grow older we move out of childhood and the issues during those years and away from whatever was the cuase of the issues. Plus as we grow older we place our attention on the outer world and the issues become unconscious. You are able to forget for awhile the trauma but they remain in your unconscious. There was a need {when you had the dreams} to get away from the 'messes/pressures' and as you grew older you were able to physically do that. But psychologically the issues remain. The real need is to leave them/resolve the issues {psychologically} and not let their influences return.

Does this fit? It does seem to go with your other dreams.

Jerry [pray

Age & Gender & Location {Required}: 65 Cocoa, Fl

Have You Posted Before? Date of Last Post {Use Search and Your Post Name to Help Find Last Post} Yes

How Did You Find the Dream Forum? Yes

Hi,

I don't necessarily feel like what happened was traumatic, though. I was raised in the environment. While it was happening and after it happened, yes, it was scary, and I didn't see any hope, but at the same time I don't feel like it was truly scarring. It was all I had known for a long time and I didn't have anything different to compare it to. It was normal. I'm not sure how to explain it. And I don't think it's a subconscious thing. What effected me most was watching my siblings and my mother suffer abuse. That was always what had gotten to me the most, rather than getting abused myself, so it doesn't really matter that I was abused. I don't have any bitter feelings towards my “father” (I don't identify him as my father. Biologically he will always be my father, I know, but that means nothing to me). I've let him go.

Sometimes I don't have an issue with trusting people at all, though. There are times where I can let someone into my life without having to think about it and I reason, I'm good at letting go so if I need to let go, I'll do it, and it won't be a problem, so why not take the chance? But the contradictions there don't make much sense to me so I've been trying to sort that out...

My indifference to sex is because I believe it's really pointless. It's very material (I guess that's the word), which I've never really cared for. The mind and body are two different things to me and I don't care for the latter. For others it may not be that way but for me, I think it is (and because I “think” it is and don't “know”, that's why I'm revisiting the idea, to make sure. I'm open to the possibility that I'm wrong. But I've heard out the many views people have on it several times and I don't buy it).

Aside from trust issues, and fear of what I'm capable of, I don't believe there is anything else. Not that I'm aware of, anyway.

I wouldn't say my pessimism is a direct result of the abuse (unless you mean that by way of how the abuse opened my eyes). But it does play a large part. A lot of it, too, though, I would say is what I've seen in society. It doesn't exactly leave much room for faith and hope. If I go into that though it'll probably sound more like teen angst so I'll leave it at that.



Response to Notes:

When I contemplated killing him it was because he had abused my mom that night. He argued with her for a long time. About 2 hours. I figured if I just killed him it would make things a lot easier on her and everyone else. I'd probably go to jail, I thought at the time, because the justice system sucks, but I'd be okay with that. I ended up not killing him because I reasoned it would hurt my mother a lot more to see me in jail forever than to be abused by her husband forever (which kind of brings me to think about what I said in the first paragraph of this post).

Yeah, I have yet to meet a man I can trust, but I don't, as far as I know, have a problem with that. I don't necessarily see genders. If there's a woman I can trust I see it as the same thing as a man I can trust because essentially, all that matters, is that they can be trusted, they care, and won't leave. Be it with a masculine or feminine touch means nothing to me. Or it could, but I'm not going to know that if it's subconscious, of course... I'm still trying to sort that out.

I think there is an association. I've been having a lot more dreams with my nephew in them now. Just last night I had one and again, I was saving him (from a train that was going to crash. I can detail upon that if you want).

Why does the dream go between X and I, though? Because X represents a certain part of me?
As far as I am aware of there was absolutely no sexual abuse.

I put family in quotation because I don't identify it as an actual family. Individually I'm related to them all but family doesn't do the things this “family” has done, which is try absolutely nothing. No family is perfect, but if they can't even meet one extremely low expectation, there's something wrong.
I don't feel comfortable giving many details about this yet. I've purposely been vague. I'm trying to decide whether or not I'd care if someone in the family found this.

What you said about the dream I used to have fits/makes sense. Again, I don't feel like what happened was traumatizing, but it could be me downplaying the issue (what with everyone saying “Others have it worse” in basically every situation it can get to people. But I know that just because others have it worse, I shouldn't avoid my own problems and pretend they mean absolutely nothing. So I don't think it could be subconscious and I'm not downplaying the issue? I don't know! I'm confusing myself more).

I think I've always been ready to move past what happened. In some ways I feel I have but it's just that, I've found myself in very similar situations twice now. So while I'm moving on, the past, in quite a literal since, appears again, but with slightly different roles. It's like trying to teach a dog not to be scared anymore but it's not removed from its abusive environment so there's no way for it's not to be scared, and to expect it to be anything else would be silly. I don't actively seek out help, because I'm someone who likes to help myself. Feels like more of an accomplishment if I do it myself. And I raised myself for the most part, and it's not like I'm a psychotic killer, so I did something right. And if I could do that, why can't I help myself, too? But I don't have a problem with people trying to help, either. If help finds me, and they think something needs to change, it's kind of like... “Okay, I can do that. I'll go with it. Sounds good.” If I came here because I want help, it'd be the first time I've sought it out myself, while also being a subconscious thing, since I came due to how I always choose knives interested and confused me and I couldn't figure it out. But I also knew my dreams were telling me something was going on, so maybe it wasn't all that subconscious? I forget the thoughts I've had frequently though so my selective (if that's the right word) memory could be the source of my confusion.





Question:

What if you control your dream? If you control your dream, does it mess up what your brain is trying to tell you? Is it damaging?

When I was younger I controlled my dreams a lot. I knew I was in a dream and if I had to run away from something, and there was nowhere to go but say, some cliff ahead, I would take control of the dream because otherwise I would die. And I'd give myself flying abilities and become supernatural. I stopped because there would always suddenly be a supernatural enemy to stop me. It got annoying. I don't try to control my dreams anymore because I like to see where they go, with some exceptions.

I watched War of the Worlds and I honestly find those aliens kinda creepy. Not the aliens themselves, really, but the “space ships”. The sounds they make, the big horn sound, it really unsettles me, and the sound of the exhaust (when Tom Cruise is in the cellar with the stranger and they look out the window and they see a bloody place, there's this repetitive sound in the background). So I also get a lot of alien invasion dreams at times, with those sounds. It's the sounds that terrify me. I'd always end up dying at the end of the dream but there was this one reoccurring dream that really annoyed me, because I would die after trying to save my mom, so she'd die, too. It would always be at this hill that I fell down and because of that clumsiness, it was the end. But one time I made myself fly, knowing fully well I was in a dream, and avoided death in it. I haven't had the dream, or even any alien invasion, since.



Thank you for your time!

Age & Gender & Location {Required}: 18, Female, California

Have You Posted Before? Date of Last Post {Use Search and Your Post Name to Help Find Last Post} No

How Did You Find the Dream Forum? Yes! Definitely.